My BPDbf must be telling true: I'm starting to feel like a horrible person

[FoxC]

Just caught myself thinking, I have became a real mess. My BPDbf rages are more and more oriented towards me, and because we, the non-BPDs, ought to verify if there isn't any hint of truth of what BPDs are saying, you know what, I think he's pretty right.
He just told me that I'm lying all the time: to him, to my mother (who also has traits of BPD/PD). You know, at first, I was telling everyone only the truth. And I was punished. For every little thing I did wrong (in real or to their eyes). As I couldn't help being a "bad" human, I began to hide some parts of truth, to tell white lies.  Just to lead a quiet peaceful life and to lessen the drama. Up until this recent time when I see that the drama is still there. I hurt their ego (feelings?) for not telling them everything (and I must admit, I hide a lot by now). It also seems to me that protecting my privacy and intimacy also counts as a lie. As much as I am here for them, committed and loyal, these people in my life are starting to mistrust me. I'm stuck. I haven't got so much people around to do the "reality checks". Do you think I have some problems here?

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[isilme]

ForgingAhead,

It sounds like you have gotten yourself stuck in a bit of black and white thinking - the only options are to tell 100% of everything or you are lying?  No.  That is not how life works.

You are allowed to have private feelings and thoughts.  This is not lying.  

It is okay to hold back certain things if you feel it will not help a conversation, a relationship, or a circumstance.  :)oes it do any good for me to tell my coworker that another one said she was lazy when they still have to work together?  No.  It's a keep-my-mouth-shut-the-other-person-was-venting moment.  I am not lying by not telling her this.  Only if she asks, "Is so-and-so upset with me?" would I have a need to say much, and still, I'd tell her to talk to the other person.

Author Robert Heinlein wrote that a person who delights in telling all of the truth all of the time is nothing more than a sadist.  They hide behind the "but all I did was tell the truth" to spread discord and ill feelings amongst those around them.  This is why we have the idea of a white lie in the first place.  :)o I really need to tell my friend when the zit on her nose looks like a reindeer?  She knows it.  My saying it would just be mean.  Me not saying it is not lying.  

Walking on eggshells thinking that we have the power to keep all outbursts and rages at bay is unrealistic.  

My H is still going to find things to freak out about, and I accept that.  And, while it IS still a little egg-shelly - I see no reason to share things with him when I know his emotional disability can't handle them.  I wait for a "good time" to tell him things when he seems calm and emotionally resilient IF I feel he needs to know it, or will benefit from knowing it.  If not, why bother?  Why rock a boat that is prone to stormy seas already?  Why tell him about an angry person at my work when the situation is resolved and he will just worry about it long after it no longer matters?  

I think you are being gaslighted into feeling guilt and shame from your mother's actions, and you are like a pendulum, swinging desperately away from being her, scared of any implication you might share some of her behaviors.  Just because an emotionally unstable person accuses you of being like another emotionally unstable person, does not make it right or true.

I have been there.  My BPD mother is a compulsive liar, who will say anything to be a victim, to be pitied, and to remove herself from any and all responsibility.  Added to this was her attempt to make me into her little clone all my childhood life, squashing my wants and desires and likes with her own.  

I am NC with her, because her lies and actions were dragging me down - she likes to use my name on hot checks, give out my name to creditors, and then, tried using H's mother's name.  After her second arrest (that I know of) and her 3rd (4th?) eviction, that was pretty much it.  I gave up on ever having a relationship with her, and even though we still tried to talk on the phone for a while, it was just painful.    

When my parents divorced and I was living just with BPD dad, I was trying so hard to be nothing like my mother.  I won't even sleep on the side of the bed she slept on when she and dad were married.  I hated the idea of soudning like her, looking like her, or in any way reminding my father or myself of her.  And he was big on pointing out that she was a liar and he hated liars above all.  

The rages are oriented towards you because you are the closest person to your BF - that is why.  Not at all because you "deserve" it.  And here's the kicker it can take years to learn and accept - yes, you are bring yelled at.  yes there will be some excuse based in recent events the pwBPD "thinks" is a valid reason to be ugly, mean, and yell.  They may pick a recent comment, a time you were late or forgot something, and pounce.

But the rage IS NOT REALLY ABOUT YOU.  They have a stew of messy emotions inside them and they cannot deal with them without externalizing them onto the person closest to them - that is the only SAFE person to yell at in this manner.  Most of the time pwBPD are able to hide their rage until they are alone with you, in private, and then let loose.  They can not process things the way you are trying to do.  In order to avoid shame from their angry, sad, shameful feelings, they project the cause of their feelings onto the nearest person - you, and then makeup reasons it's all your fault.  And after hearing it so much, so often, it's only normal to wonder, "is he right?"

No.  :)ay by day, situation by situation, we make judgment calls about what to share and not share.  Privacy is okay.  Privacy is a necessary part of being human.  A big issue right now with social media is people think they are rock stars and overshare, and then it's all out there for the world to see and judge.  We are not really wired to be like that - this forum is confidential for a reason.  I am not posting this on Facebook for a reason.  I don't think you ahve a problem other than a co-dependent sounding guilt complex I am well too familiar with.