same road over and over again?

[whycare]

Hey everyone,

Going through a really rough time in my relationship right now, heres whats going on.

My partner is diagnosed with BPD. Our relationship came to a weird halt a few months prior back in March where she completely pushed me away and went back into substance use. She then told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, only to try to reel me back in when I was starting to become distant from her.

I decided to start doing things for me. I put off schooling for almost 3 years while being with her because of all her problems and things she needed. I finally decided to go pursue paramedics. It was in a different state but I needed to do things for me (she is eventually moving here in 1 week).

As Ive been living here, she has become increasingly jealous of my achievements and schooling. When trying to tell her things I've learned she just seems very uninterested or uninvolved. I find myself having to keep my achievements on the "low" as not to upset her. Or things like meeting new friends or people or doing fun things. i just can't talk to her about it or its like it upsets her.

Just last week she got awarded in school, and i was quick to congratulate her. But she was hanging out with someone who she had relations with while we were together and i didn't feel comfortable with it... .so I told her... .and immediately I wrecked her day... .so basically i can't even express when i feel bothered.

If I talk anything about money, she trips out. She owed me some money as i lent it to her and if I asked for it back I would get the 3rd degree.

I graduated from my program, and she just all of a sudden flipped a switch and said she is in a bad mindset and has anxiety and that she wants to talk when she is in a better mindset.
And now she's saying she isn't in love with me anymore and isn't happy and she tried. She often says she's like a cat, when she wants love she will come get it, and when she doesn't she won't. she has a lot of push and pull. She distances herself from me and then makes me lose interest and then the chase is on and she pulls me close again.
So now she blocked me on all social media and my phone number... .im supposed to see her in a week and she doesn't want to, until she's okay. She doesn't want to talk to me, she says its my doing because I left randomly (even though she knew it was for my course and to better myself). She won't talk to me, she's gone distant... .and says she's not in love with me anymore and doesn't want anything with me.
2 days prior she said it was her and not me, and that she loves me and is very proud of me and wants to be with me and doesn't want anyone else, she's just not ready for a relationship because she's unstable and doesn't wanna hurt me. She said she loves me and days go by but her feelings for me are forever... .

and now she's distant and says she isn't in love anymore... .I've tried to talk to her but she blocked me... .I don't know what else to do... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here. I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. We all understand - we've all been there.

How long have the two of you been together?

I can see that you're going through a tough time with her. The push/pull that you describe is very difficult to deal with. It's good that you recognize it for what it is; this means that you have something to work with. Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[whycare]

How long have the two of you been together?

I can see that you're going through a tough time with her. The push/pull that you describe is very difficult to deal with. It's good that you recognize it for what it is; this means that you have something to work with. Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

We've been together for 3 years now. The push and pull behaviour got worse as time went on. It seems to get worse when lots of things are happening or if she's under stress. It also seems to rise when she becomes jealous. She has told me that she was mad and jealous because she wished she was me. She mentioned that I had everything going for me and then couldn't talk anymore.

It seems like I'm the only one she can't talk to. She can talk to anyone but me. She was just talking about how she was sad because we are not physically together and how it makes her angry and then she just pushed me away. She told me she will talk to me when she is ready... .but often when that happens she appears very distant and cold and its really unpleasant. its quite hurtful to be honest.
She's upset because I graduated, and doesn't seem to share the joy in my accomplishments. She won't talk to me, she blocked me and said I'm the reason for her unhappiness.
I'm currently working on myself... but I just don't know where to go... .she said a lot of hurtful things and this is the second time she has done this.
She gets mad over small things, like the vibration of my phone when a text comes through and becomes irritated and tells me to turn it off. I seen her face become quite angry... .its almost like she transforms into someone else.

How does everyone deal with this? How do you stay happy and wait till its over? I'm mixed up in all the thoughts and hurtful words... .any advice is much appreciated!

[whycare]

Anyone? I'm going through a really rough time and its hard despite keeping busy.

[Meili]

I think that we all have some sort of understanding of how hard it is even when busy. I know that when all of it was fresh for me, it didn't matter what else I had happening, I still ruminated about the situation and it consumed almost all of my thoughts. Learning things like Radical Acceptance helped a lot with that, and after a while the rumination stopped.

She has told me that she was mad and jealous because she wished she was me. She mentioned that I had everything going for me and then couldn't talk anymore.

She's upset because I graduated, and doesn't seem to share the joy in my accomplishments. She won't talk to me, she blocked me and said I'm the reason for her unhappiness.

She gets mad over small things, like the vibration of my phone when a text comes through and becomes irritated and tells me to turn it off.

Is it possible that all of these things are because of her own insecurities and self-worth issues?

When things like this happen, it's really a good idea to not be invalidating and validate what is valid. In each of three situations that I quoted, if I'm correct, she was telling you that she's insecure and probably fears that you will abandon her.

It's common for people who present BPD traits to project the intense, negative emotions that they feel about themselves outwardly on those they are closest to in order to avoid feeling their own pain. It's a maladaptive coping skill.