I have BPD... ruined my relationship with a woman I love. What should I do?

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Hi

I have been clinically diagnosed with BPD.

I was with a woman for two years who I loved with all of my heart. I poured my soul out to her and shared everything about me, and she did the same. We had the same views about life and agreed about most important topics in this world. She was my everything, my reason to live. I never lied to her (honestly) and I tried to proactively make the relationship as healthy as I could because I understand the condition I have.

After about a year into the relationship I brought up the topic of sex with other people and being more open sexually. She hated the idea and it made her very insecure. I did not force anything, but continued to (cautiously) bring it up sometimes. Over time we read books about jealousy and how to overcome it (for her) and she began making progress towards opening up.

She would often complain that she felt like I was always trying to be better than her or control her life. At the start of the relationship I was very insecure and did control her and manipulate her to abandon some of her friends that made me insecure. After that, I knew that I had done wrong, and I really tried my hardest to quit being so possessive, but she still felt like I was the entire time.

After working on her jealousy for a while and there being no resolution in the fact that she felt like I was controlling her life, she went on a vacation by herself for 3 weeks and we only chatted sparingly online. When she got back from the trip she was more self-confident and willing to open the relationship up. Shortly after informing me of that, she told me that she actually does not love me anymore and wanted to break up but still be friends.

I'm dying inside knowing that it's my fault she quit loving me. She wanted a monogamous relationship and I couldn't be content with that. I loved her so much. She was my reason to stay alive. We shared everything; my own carelessness and lack of respect ruined it.

I don't know what to do or how to cope with the pain I'm feeling. I want to die. I've been emotionally abandoned and it's my fault - I'm the one who caused it. I'm a ___ty person and I know it. She loved me and would have done anything for our love, but I was careless and lazy and now look where I am.

My apologies if it's hard to read or understand this post... .I'm just overwhelmed and I need advice or support. Can I get her back? Should I get her back or am I just abusing her emotionally? What should I do... .I don't know. Please help.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there!

I'm sorry about your pain, it's really hard to lose someone you love and feel it is your fault is the worst.

I have to warn you that this board is for family members and partners, or friends of people with BPD. Some of the post are not sensitive towards the sufferers, we can't control who post and who doesn't. We encourage compassion and understanding, but sometimes people just need to vent without being judged. And I fear that you might read some post and be hurt or offended. Please, be careful.

Relationships are hard for anyone. I know for people with BPD are the hardest thing. Even if we could do everything perfect (which is impossible) we can only account for 50% of the relationship.

Are you willing to be monogamous with her? I think that could be the key for her to want to go back and try again. She gradually changed for you, and she might have felt she betrayed herself and her believes. That's scary, to feel you are loosing yourself in favor of another person, even when you love them to pieces. 

An open relationship is a delicate matter. I've always though it must be something that both parts have to be comfortable with. Most of us have the concept of possesion well ingrained with love. And even when you understand it in a way that sex can be a different thing than love, and you have the conviction that an open relationship can work, then when you live it, your feelings can tell you the complete opposite. Most people think "I can have an open relationship, and still love my partner completelly" but will have trouble watching their partner just kissing someone else. Right for me, wrong for her. Which has to make us think.

Relationships have to be founded in respect and equality. We have centurries of male dominance, that helps us guys normalize some thoughts and not judge them as unrespectful. So it's hard to be empathic many times, and it's not entirely our fault, but we still need to change.

So... .I believe you can't change what someone feels about this, you can only change what you do. For her, accepting an open relationship is getting far from you, it's gaining distance (in her mind, to picture you having sex with another woman, she needs to love you less, before she can allow it), while she is doing it to be closer, because it is what you want, so it feels very contradictory. And she knows it's letting her values down.

This doesn't mean you were wrong and she was right. You believed in one thing and she in another. You tried to deffend your point of view, and she hers. Couples don't agree on a 100% of things. This is one point that it is very important to reach a compromise. People grow, and you seem to have changed your priorities, isn't it?

It's very hard to cope with that pain, but the only thing that works, is not "doing something with it". You have to feel the feeling to get over it. If you change it for something else, it stays, and it adds to your "overall" pain. None of us want to do that, I get it. Please don't give up. If my GF had succeded in killing herself many years ago, we wouldn't have met, and she wouldn't have had two beautiful kids.

If you want her back, tell her you understand why she has left, why she has grown appart from you (it is NOT because you are a bad person), and what you are willing to change to make it work. Ask her to talk to you and tell you what happened from her point of view. Tell her you already feel you are to blame, so that please, she doesn't attack you. Whether she gives you another chance or not, you want to listen to her, and understand. Similarly, you already think you are to blame, so if she blames you, tell yourself "I already know that, the same thing is not going to hurt me twice". Don't rush things, she might have built some walls (coldness, resentment, anger) to gain the courage to break up, and those walls need time to soften. In time, bad things in a relationship that it's over are forgotten, and you remember the good things, and you miss them and you miss that person. The differences don't seem that important over time.

If you don't dismiss her values and her worries, of course you should try to get her back. We can't get it right all the time, but we can try, and we can do a check up often to be sure we are trying.

I wish you the best of luck.