My wife confessed to me that she has dissociation episodes

[BowlOfPetunias]

Yesterday, my wife confessed to me that she has dissociation episodes.  She said that sometimes when she is fighting with our son, she will see herself behaving negatively but feel like she can't do anything to stop.  She will think, "I would be angry too if someone talked to me the way I am talking to him."

I pointed out that if she realizes this and remembers it, she should apologize after she feels less angry.  Instead, she will keep arguing (sometimes days later) that she did nothing wrong, even though she knows that she thought it was wrong at the time.  

I also asked if she recalls doing this to me and she admitted that she has.

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[Tattered Heart]

My H says he experience the same. He says he knows what he should and shouldn't do, but the emotions take over and it just comes out and he can't stop it.

[Triedmybest408]

My uBPDgf does the same after big fights... .she has asked me to not take it personally because she has no control, she says she knows what she said but it just comes out.

however I manage to get an apology which fortunately somewhat helps me.

she says she cant get over the feeling, but i am happy she is self aware of it... .if she wasn't I am not sure what I would do

[isilme]

This is not quite what I've seen as far as disassociation in my ife, but everyone's experience is different.

The scariest was from my BPD - sociopath dad, who would dissociate to the point of being a blank when totalyl enraged.  This was a very scary time, you could tell any reason, any doubt about his actions was gone.  There was no one home except the all-encompassing rage, and I waas going to be hurt - a belt would be brought out, I'd be picked up by my hair and tossed, something was about to happen.  If I was lucky, just a wall would get a new hole. 

He would often come wake little me up in bed hours later, in the middle of the night, and claim he blacked out and while he said he felt guilty, I wondered how you could feel guilt fomr somrthing you got so angry you forgot it.  He apparently thought a child could grant him absolution and understand forgiveness.  And wired the way I was, I took the blame onto myself and pitied HIM.  I post here about my childhood experiences for thos WITH kids to see how it can look from the child's point of view.  I was an object for emotional supply.  I was there to love them when it was needed.  I was there to provide a source of bragging right when needed.  And I was to stay out of the way, quiet and unsee, unheard otherwise. A toy put back on its self until alter (both aprents have BPD-problems, manic depression/bi polar disorder.  Yay) 

H will sometimes hit this level of anger, but he i not bigger than me, I am not a child, and after leanring so much self preervation as a child I stop, freeze, and engage in any and all tactics to get past it.  These are the times when he does outrageuous things, like lock me out, or throw food at me.  The most physical thing he has done is shove me at one time - for 21 years, that is not that bad I think. 

And my own dissassociation:  So, I have a near photographic memory.  My recall i a bit weird, like short term emmory can get muddled, and I can lose my keys, forget why I went into a room, whatever.  But give me some time for it to "write" over into the long term memory sector, I can give you usually a close word for word recital of any event I was presnt for.  So, I remember a lot from bout age 2 forward.  I know I was 2 because we lived in a trailer only when I was 2, and I remember my room, the living room, the outside, and the shower.

Anyway.  For years I could tell anyone I felt might need/want to know about events that took place in my life.  Many wer not... .happy.  But for me, it was about like talking about what happend in a movie to someone else.  There was very little, if any, personal emotion attached to these event memories, until I was about 30 years old.  THEN, my brain seems to ahve decided it was time to open the floodgates.  I felt overwhemling sadness and rejection at how I was raised.  I felt guilt.  I felt anger and my own rage at my abuse and neglect.  Luckily, I found this site to help me wade through it.

Back to the pwBPD realizsing somehow that their actions are wrong, either during or later - due to the shame avoidance of BPD, getting them to admit it outloud, accept the rersponsbility for it, and/or own up to it is very, very hard for them.  So ANY progress here in any of these steps is actaully a good sign of growing self awareness that might be able to be nurtured as more time passes.