Breakup after Twenty-One Years

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex of twenty-one years cheated on me and finally broke our relationship in January. He has not been diagnosed with BPD but after years of reading books and anything else that I can find, I am 100% positive that he has BPD.
This is our second breakup, the last being 12 1/2 years ago. We had been living together for the past five years. He has had multiple relationships and recycles, cheated on his first wife, has rages, gambles, smokes pot, mirrors, projects, you name it! He probably also suffers from PTSD. He survived a tornado. His daughter, father, and uncle all died within months of each other. Before last July we were doing well. His rages were not very frequent. Then a female friend of his decided to go after him. He turned her down but she persisted and he went for it. He began staying out late and not answering calls/texts. They went on a couple of trips. At first he remained loving toward me but then he turned ugly... .the rages began. They would come out of nowhere with no reason. He told me all kinds of crazy things like... ." I have been in love with her for 25 years and we have never been able to be together."... ."The only reason that I haven't married you is because I knew she was out there"... " It probably won't work with her and I am prepared to beg you back". Many of our friends are so upset with him. He recently had a party and a bunch of them did not go. At church the following Sunday he screamed at me in front of the church about how he didn't need them... I could have them. We are obviously still in contact. He buys me groceries, won't take back the credit card in his name, we have a joint account, I have a garage door opener to his house. I am six months into the official breakup and it still hurts so bad. All of the firsts are unbearable. I try to remind myself that he has a disorder.
I am in counseling.

[CatBelle]

My ex of twenty-one years cheated on me and finally broke our relationship in January. He has not been diagnosed with BPD but after years of reading books and anything else that I can find, I am 100% positive that he has BPD.
This is our second breakup, the last being 12 1/2 years ago. We had been living together for the past five years. He has had multiple relationships and recycles, cheated on his first wife, has rages, gambles, smokes pot, mirrors, projects, you name it! He probably also suffers from PTSD. He survived a tornado. His daughter, father, and uncle all died within months of each other. Before last July we were doing well. His rages were not very frequent. Then a female friend of his decided to go after him. He turned her down but she persisted and he went for it. He began staying out late and not answering calls/texts. They went on a couple of trips. At first he remained loving toward me but then he turned ugly... .the rages began. They would come out of nowhere with no reason. He told me all kinds of crazy things like... ." I have been in love with her for 25 years and we have never been able to be together."... ."The only reason that I haven't married you is because I knew she was out there"... " It probably won't work with her and I am prepared to beg you back". Many of our friends are so upset with him. He recently had a party and a bunch of them did not go. At church the following Sunday he screamed at me in front of the church about how he didn't need them... I could have them. We are obviously still in contact. He buys me groceries, won't take back the credit card in his name, we have a joint account, I have a garage door opener to his house. I am six months into the official breakup and it still hurts so bad. All of the firsts are unbearable. I try to remind myself that he has a disorder.
I am in counseling.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Katie Belle, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  It must be hard to part ways after a 21-year r/s.  On the other hand, greater happiness is ahead for you.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  Suggest you read up on Boundaries, which you can find in the Tools Button (above).  Hang in there and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim