Some good days

[JoeBPD81]

A month ago I thought everything was over, I was devastated and beaten. It had been the longest splitting period in our relationship, and things were said that sounded definitive.

A very hard ordeal with my GF's kids was about to happen, and she felt overwhelmed. I knew that, but still I felt some of it was about me, and I was very hurt. She told me, very cold,that she wanted to leave (me, my city, out flat... .) but she couldn't (she has no job and no way of supporting her kids). I was left with an emptyness feeling of "what am I then?" I can't just kick them on the street, I love them. But I knew she would start looking for alternatives to live elsewhere, and I started thinking about how my life would be without them.

The ordeal was that the kids were going to spend time with their father for the 1st time in 4 years, a whole month. This guy was abusive (the DA wanted 5 years of jail for him, but he got out without doing time), he's old, alcoholic and narcisistic. So we didn't know absolutely what to expect. We fought for these 4 years to get full custody and the right to not allow visits (even as he wasn't interested in visiting or calling them in the 1st place). He could kidnap or hurt the kids, and we couldn't do a thing. The kids were also scared because S10 knows he is abusive, and for S6 he is a complete stranger. He was showing interest for the first time, now that he owes them thousands of dollars, and he wants them to go easy on the payments. We couldn't trust him at all. The kids didn't understand why they couldn't be with us, and why we coulnd't just say no, or be with them. They felt we  didn't want to be with them.

I took some days from work, and when we were ready to leave, she said she didn't want me to go with them. It was a really bad day, but finally we left together.

After only one day of visiting, the visit went like this: The kids only went to his house to sleep, while they spent the whole day with us. They run towards us every morning and they stayed crying every night. He admited that was too much for the kids and seemed reasonable. But when we went to pick up their things to come back to our city, he threatened to throw my GF out of the window with their bags, in front of S10, and right after telling S6 to go out of the house and not come back.

Those nights alone with her were our first in many, many months. I was scared that they could be awful. But they were great. After the first day, we went out to dinner, and we were happy together.

Then we went back because I had surgery on my mouth, and the recovey was good. Surprisingly, the grandmother of the kids offered to take them on vacation. So we have spent some time alone together, and it has been great. I've been really happy.

I could have faked some more sick days, but I was ready to work, so I came back. She feels that I left her alone by not faking, and, as she got her period, that I went back because I was not going to have more sex. That's far from the truth. I love having sex with her because it's a sign that we are close. But it's not the most important thing. I wanted to know if we could be close in a normal situation, not an extraordinary one (sick leave, no kids... .). And I felt very dishonest staying at home when I was OK to work.

I hope we work this spliting out. She's trying to stay away not to be rude to me. And trying to say some nice things, in a cold robotic voice. She's trying. I'm trying not to JADE and to stay true to myself. This is a down after a really good up, so it hurts, but overall, I think there is improvement.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lollypop]

Hi again Joe

I've thought about you often but didn't check on how things were going with you. I'm very sorry to learn of these developments. The whole situation sounds very scary with the safety of the kids, frustrating and confusing for everybody.

I remember that you said you'd distanced yourself from your family in order to protect your GF.  I think you said you felt that your family wouldn't understand. It sounded a lonely place to be for you.  Is this still the case Joe?

Hugs

LP

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Lollypop,

Thanks for checking on me. My family knows about her anorexia, and that makes the relatinship and family gatherings very difficult. They know it's an illness that plays with her perception of reality and guides most of her decissions.

When we talk about that, I see that they are far from understanding, and instead of listening and wanting to understand, they are wuick to say "well, whatever happens we support you because you are our brother/son", I see they are very uncomfortable talking about this. I see society in general, they don't want to hear that mental illnesses exist in the close environment. We pretend they don't exist, or that it is something that only happens to others, or in movies.

They don't know about BPD. Nor my GF's family. Although she was diagnosed 20 years ago and then it was a problem. As she had a long period of stability, she and everyone assumed the diagnosis was wrong. Now they treat her as she was crazy and useless, but they don't know she has been diagnosed again.

I wouldn't tell anyone without her permission, that's why I don't tell my family. Even as I think they wouldn't understand, I always prefer to go with the truth and all the information available. Without a basic understanding of BPD, if I tell them what happens in our house, it sounds like I should end this relationship. You know how it looks: manipulation, lies, blackmail, abuse... .

It took me some time and dedication to understand and validate internaly her experience. And I love her. My family and most strangers lack the motivation to dig deep enough and learn to understand this. If it was a kid, maybe, but she's "a woman that took their son/brother and she's making him miserable".

So, I don't tell because of two reasons. But even if they would understand I wouldn't tell something she doesn't want to be disclosed.

[JoeBPD81]

I have to say I am exultant. I don't know how long this will last, but she got over the spliting in a couple of days, and then we picked it up where we left it. We are not doing anything special, we take long walks while we chat, we are watching one of our favourite comedies from season 1, some movies... .There is much more contact, and sometimes it ends in sex without any planning or rush (when the kids are here, there are not a lot of opportunities).

She's making a lot of efforts to get better. She reads, she watches lectures and therapy sessions, she shares with other pwBPD, and she goes to therapy. I'm really proud of her. Periodically, she thinks everything is pointless, and a lie, and that she can only hope to "fake being normal" for the rest of the people, but not get better. I'm glad that is not definitive.

These good days, she cries a lot too, but it doesn't last long, and she allows me to hug her, and she finds comfort in that. It's hard to believe that a month ago, everything seemed lost.

I just wanted to share my happyness.

[Tattered Heart]

Glad to hear things are looking up. Is there anything you can do during these good times to continue working on building your communication skills?