Dealing with suicidal threats

[eggfry]

I'm a bit torn on what to do. My ex/sometimes SO we are in this cycle of breaking up and getting back together. If he feels upset about anything his first resort is to just yell, say he hates me and quit our relationship. I know him well enough now when a BPD episode happens that he's just spewing anything to deflect or avoid and that he doesn't mean it. We broke up again and he threatened to kill himself. He's had some suicide attempts in the past, trying to take a bottle of pills, putting a knife to his throat, calling me from the roof of the building. He threatens to kill himself often in the "I hate you, don't leave me" sort of way. Earlier this year when I hit rock bottom, I almost died from an overdose. I've had several friends lost to suicide. It's something that I take seriously. I know the threats come with BPD and that he's scared of pain and doesn't really want to die. But at the same time, I don't want to do nothing in case he really does mean it.

In the past he's done some serious self harm, breaking bottles over his head, punching a mirror. severed a tendon. I kept records of some of the events as much of the property damage was done to my apartment, or in my apartment, including trying to kick down my front door. And another instance where it got physical. The hospitals here keep records as well. He's come a long way since then but at the time I was seriously considering a restraining order. I've had/have enough evidence on him to press charges or call the police on him but it would come at the price of his job and possibly his visa. I tried contacting his siblings but they are at a loss of what to do and are hoping that he just "figures things out" and "gets his life together" From all I've learned about BPD it seems like something you can't just ask them to do, they need treatment right? I know from three years of being together that this will only come up again.

This time around... .He threw a fit and quit again. Unfortunately I engaged in some arguing and the last few breakups I just let him go. I don't chase, try to fix things or stay in the argument just leave and let him rage out on his own. He threatened to jump of the roof again and I said no. I told him that if he tried I would call the authorities. He replied that if I did anything of the sort that he would kill himself in his apartment to avoid being taken in. So basically he threatened suicide twice, he was going to do it and if I report him to anyone or tell anyone he will kill himself in his apartment.

We live abroad in Korea where the suicide rate is incredibly high. There are definitely services and help available but I'm not sure how they'd approach BPD or treating foreigners. But at this point, I can't even tell anyone. How can I approach this situation or deal with the threats?

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[Meili]

Not to be trite, but why can't you tell anyone?

I know that it is hard, but the reality is that your life and physical well-being are worth more than his job and/or visa.

Also, it does sound like he needs to be in some sort of treatment. Calling someone when he is making threats is really the only thing that you can do.

If it were me, I would contact your local services who help with such things and formulate a safety plan (both for you and for when he starts acting out again).

If you need help finding the right people in your area, please let one of the members of the Member Support Team (their names are at the top of the page) know. We'll see what information we can find for you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Eggfry:  

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  :)ealing with someone who has suicide ideations is very difficult and stressful.  

We live abroad in Korea where the suicide rate is incredibly high. There are definitely services and help available but I'm not sure how they'd approach BPD or treating foreigners. But at this point, I can't even tell anyone. How can I approach this situation or deal with the threats?

I'm making an assumption that you are in South Korea (hopefully not North).  The article at the link below addresses the suicide problem in South Korea.  You might find it interesting.
Suicide Ideation in South Korea

Is is possible to go back to your country of origin, where it might be easier to get medical attention? Is your partner willing to get help?

Sounds like you need to inquire with health care entities in Korea to determine what are possible medical services for a noncitizen.  If you are able to pay cash, I'm sure a lot more would be possible, as opposed to other possible options. If your partner is willing to see a medical professional, a psychiatrist might be your best place to start (in view of what is stated in the above article about South Korea and medical services).  

Below are links to information about situations with suicide ideation.  Hopefully you will find something that you find helpful for your situation.

The link below can inform you about safety plans.

SAFETY FIRST

The two links below don't have resources listed for Korea, but they have a lot of information available for those who are dealing with a family member, friend or partner with suicide ideation. It could be helpful to read some of the general information targeted towards those who are dealing with someone suicide ideation.

SUICIDE PREVENTION

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES

You might want to check out the information at the additional links below.  The first one is in regard to "Suicide Ideation in Others".  The other two, might not apply to you, but you might want to read them for future reference.  Some people encounter situations where a BPD partner will make threats of suicide as a form of manipulation (emotional abuse).  You certainly want to take threats of suicide seriously, and it can be part of your safety plan to get help from professionals and not let your partner use suicide threats as a form of manipulation.  

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

WHEN YOU ARE MANIPULATED BY SUICIDE THREATS

WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE

[eggfry]

Hi Eggfry:  

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  :)ealing with someone who has suicide ideations is very difficult and stressful.  

I'm making an assumption that you are in South Korea (hopefully not North).  The article at the link below addresses the suicide problem in South Korea.  You might find it interesting.
Suicide Ideation in South Korea

Is is possible to go back to your country of origin, where it might be easier to get medical attention? Is your partner willing to get help?

Sounds like you need to inquire with health care entities in Korea to determine what are possible medical services for a noncitizen.  If you are able to pay cash, I'm sure a lot more would be possible, as opposed to other possible options. If your partner is willing to see a medical professional, a psychiatrist might be your best place to start (in view of what is stated in the above article about South Korea and medical services).  

Thank you so much for your responses. I racked my brain all day yesterday about what I should do.  Luckily I ran into him after I got out of work and talked with him seriously. He had come down from his episode and was willing to listen. We sat down and talked for a very long time about BPD, what he was feeling and how to deal with it in a healthier way. I asked him if I was in the same place as his him if he would stand idly by. And he agreed that it was really wrong to put anyone in that position. He does want to get help and is willing to go get help. We're going to try some free counseling centers that deal with foreigners. But we have to choose carefully where we go.

Yes definitely in South Korea, not North. We are planning to go back to our home country in about 6 months. Just trying to hold out till then. Despite S. Korea's modern technology the thinking is not always so progressive. The article that you posted about S. Korea and suicide is spot on, the prevention is very poor. It's a way of thinking and a lack of openness on the topic too.

Not to be trite, but why can't you tell anyone?

I know that it is hard, but the reality is that your life and physical well-being are worth more than his job and/or visa.

Also, it does sound like he needs to be in some sort of treatment. Calling someone when he is making threats is really the only thing that you can do.

If it were me, I would contact your local services who help with such things and formulate a safety plan (both for you and for when he starts acting out again).

If you need help finding the right people in your area, please let one of the members of the Member Support Team (their names are at the top of the page) know. We'll see what information we can find for you.

It's not as cut and dry as it should be. If he loses the visa he may never be able to return here, and has some extended family. I don't want to prevent him from being able to see them or cause him to be cast out. They tend to shun people with mental health issues. The cultural differences are really extreme. There's no dr patient confidentiality. Your workplace can access some of your medical information. So you must pay in cash to avoid paper trails, but it's very hush hush if you go see a psychiatrist. Which is why we're opting for the free counseling. He has been taken in after some of the incidents I mentioned before but they would not detain him not even for a 24 hour period. After my incident, they didn't keep me either. They just send you back out after giving you medical treatment. I'm afraid if I call someone, they'll take him in and just release him. And then he'll come home and follow through with his threat. He also needs his job to keep the medical insurance.

A safety/emergency plan is a great idea. I don't know why I didn't have one before. Thank you for all the references, they were really helpful. I didn't know about the support team either, I'm so glad it's available.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Eggfry:     

Luckily I ran into him after I got out of work and talked with him seriously. He had come down from his episode and was willing to listen. We sat down and talked for a very long time about BPD, what he was feeling and how to deal with it in a healthier way. I asked him if I was in the same place as his him if he would stand idly by. And he agreed that it was really wrong to put anyone in that position. He does want to get help and is willing to go get help. We're going to try some free counseling centers that deal with foreigners.

I'm so glad you were able to have a successful talk with your partner.  I'm so sorry that it is so difficult to get confidential and adequate medical attention in South Korea.  It has to be tough to deal with the stigma that that culture places on mental illness.

DBT is a type of therapy that is considered to be the most helpful for DBT.  I'll share this DBT self-help website with you.  Perhaps, if you partner is receptive, he can try some of the DBT Therapy strategy on his own (perhaps he will let you help guide him).

DBT SELF-HELP

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLLERANCE

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORK SHEET

FINDING ALTERNATE THOUGHTS

Let us know how things go.  I wish you the best.   

[eggfry]

Hi again Eggfry:     

DBT is a type of therapy that is considered to be the most helpful for DBT.  I'll share this DBT self-help website with you.  Perhaps, if you partner is receptive, he can try some of the DBT Therapy strategy on his own (perhaps he will let you help guide him).

DBT SELF-HELP

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLLERANCE

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORK SHEET

FINDING ALTERNATE THOUGHTS

Let us know how things go.  I wish you the best.   

Thank you thank you thank you! Coincidentally a close friend has recently found out her ex has BPD and at the moment he could really use some of these resources too. I could cry, I'm so happy to see something that may really make a difference with things. I will keep you updated. The support here has been amazing, I'm not sure where I'd be at had I not stumbled upon this forum.