Dealing with Detachment Anger

[hubbyNeedsHelp]

I'm new to this new non-logic-logic and logically (hehe) I have questions.

I've been practicing not JADE'ING and learning to set my limits. My first limit I've discussed is when I feel attacked and I feel my emotions / feelings being hurt such that I might have to be defensive and fight I will have to discuss at a later date. My 3 times I've done this always has resulting in being called a !@#$!@# ass!@#$! and she likely is hanging up before me. How is this helping the relationship? I've read that it helps her accept her behavior... .but doesn't it validate her feelings that I care more about myself than her, which in turn makes her feel accurate, I don't care and her feelings of self worth are all my fault. ?

Please evaluate my language and tell me how it can be better so that detachment doesn't make her angry.
"I care about how you feel and realize your feelings are hurt. At this point I believe the conversation is getting to a point where I'm going to have to be defense and I can't control my own feelings. We'll have to pick this back up and discuss how you feel when we are both a bit more calm".

How can I say it better? Am I to assume the anger is natural for a BPD after years of projecting?

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[Langdale]

Hello hubbyneedshelp
I would say that the content of what you said is right but how you said sounds like a lecture to me. Too much like a therapist.
Try to sound more ordinary like I love you and understand you are hurt in the moment I am not in the frame of mind to talk rationally about it. We have to take this up later when both of us feel calmer. She might get angry anyway if limits are new but it sounds less talking down on her.
My hubby tends to digg his heels in if I do not choose my language carefully. We are not fighting but any advice or suggestion is ignored or he does exactly the opposite if I sound too "lecturing".
Don't give up
Langdale

[Tattered Heart]

I agree with lang. One thing I have to do in my head is to practice it in an authentic way (I know that's hard to do when things are getting heated, but I do this right before saying it.) It's important that our pwBPD not only hear the words we are saying but also can pick up on the honesty in our voice. Sometimes when us nons are trying to detach our emotions from a situation, our words come out a little forced and it doesn't seem as genuine. Could this be what's going on with you?

If so, maybe take some time to practice saying it out loud to yourself since you know it's a phrase you will use frequently.

[forlorn]

My hubby tends to digg his heels in if I do not choose my language carefully. We are not fighting but any advice or suggestion is ignored or he does exactly the opposite if I sound too "lecturing".
Don't give up
Langdale

Wow, Langdale!  That SO happens with my boyfriend!  Then, when I am trying to be careful about what I say and how I say it, I get accused of being manipulative and dishonest because my responses to him are not "authentic."  Do you ever experience this?

[Triedmybest408]

Agree with others

I am still new to this... .my fiance is uBPD, so I don't know if she is BPD or not

but validating actually helps with all situations, because I am learning BPD or not JADEing really doesnt work.

When I tried validating during a huge rage ... .fiance snapped out of it for a second and said "Who am i talking to? who are you?" "why are you talking like a robot?"

I learned that you have to own your style of validating, make it natural

[Langdale]

Wow, Langdale!  That SO happens with my boyfriend!  Then, when I am trying to be careful about what I say and how I say it, I get accused of being manipulative and dishonest because my responses to him are not "authentic."  Do you ever experience this?

Yes same here. What I am saying has totally to be "me". I need to make sure that I really be myself and relaxed about it. Can be very hard work sometimes.
The good side is that this helps to have a open + honest relationship. And I try as best as I can to let him learn things by himself. Even he gets himself I to difficulties. I am not very successful in this yet. Lately I think I am Interfering much too much. Which makes him insecure and angshus as he respects me. Does that makes sense?
Langdale