I'm New

[Moni76]

  Hi Everyone

I don't know where to start but I'm sure it's a familiar story to you all. I've been married to my husband for 32 years. It's been wonderful and awful. He has not been diagnosed but I believe he is BPD. High functioning. One minute he's the kindest, sweetest most caring man and the next minute he can be what I've described to others and our 3 beautiful daughters as cruel and mean. I've described him as Jekyll and Hyde and wondered if he was bipolar, depressed or something I didn't know. I've begged him to go to marriage counseling several times. One time he promised he'd go if I sold my car, I did, but he still wouldn't go. I know this all familiar to you.

Two weeks ago, I was at my wits end, I had an appointment with a divorce mediator but my amazing oldest daughter mentioned to me that I should listen to a couple of podcasts about PBD because she thought it fit her dad. I listened to them and it was like a light bulb  came on. I was saying "yes!" out loud to nearly everything I was hearing (I was alone at the time) I was smiling and crying and I felt hope again for us. It made me feel like I was not crazy. That this was a real thing (that I had never heard of before).

So much of what I heard in those podcasts made me feel better but at the same time feel like I have a long road ahead. I love him with all my heart! Now I need to start understanding how HE thinks and trying to understand the intense emotion he feels. He's always getting mad at me because I don't worry about important things or support him when he "needs it the most" There is some truth to that. I don't support him when he's being cruel to his kids, mother, sister, me or sometimes even strangers. I've always tried to tell him he can't be that way toward people but of course that makes him more angry. He says they deserve to feel bad. Well, I say "it makes them feel really bad when you do that" and he replies "they should feel bad". These are reactions to something I and other non PB's look at as something so small. Or things I've called "non issues". For instance, my 18 year old daughter (at the time) that is a very good person, once drew a stag head on her arm with a pen. She loves to doodle. Her dad flew into a rage and told her she looked like a hussy and tried to say she had to move out of the house because he was so mad (he also said a lot of other mean/cruel things to her during this rage). It was drawn on with a marker that she could wash off and did during the rage. He started getting mad at her for things she might do, telling her she would start drinking or sleeping around and other things like that. I realize those are things he was worried might happen but he tells us we "will" do things we have never thought of. And we often times say we get in trouble for things we haven't even done yet nor would we ever do. This is one of many many many examples of things I and others consider to be small but to him they are really big.

I'm so happy I found a place here to get validation that I'm not crazy and to help me figure out how I can react better to him to help avoid blow ups and rages and to learn my part in it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there

I'm glad you found a new light at the end of the tunnel. I certainly know the mixture of feelings hope and knowing it would be a long road. 32 years without making sense of the person you love is a long time, no wonder you cried when some things started to make sense, and when you discovered you are not alone in this. About 100 million people have BPD worldwide, imagine how many family members, friends, spouses... .are afected by this, and we have lived as if no one could understand what we go through.

When you think about those numbers, you get mad about the health system not meking a bigger effort to take it seriously, but that's another story.

I hope you can take some relief by writing your experiences. I'm glad you have a daugter that could shed some wisdom in the matter. She must be a great support to you, you can team up on this.

We "nons" often also think in terms: "we do harm... .Well, they deserve it, because they did us harm". The thing is, in the long run, not long after, that harm hurts us back, and it makes our life and our relationships worse and more painful for everybody.  So, the question to your husband is, "yeah, they migh deserve it, and it sure feels good in the moment to vent, but, is it making your life better in any way?" The think is, it takes a long way to realize that just stopping some behaviors that feel logic and justified in the moment, we can make things a lot better for ourselves. It works for us as partners, and it works for them also, but they are holding very hard to the thought that they need immediate relief for the rage/pain/frustration they are feeling, and if they do something differently they are failing themselves, or being "fake". I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense.

Wish you the best, and I hope we see you sharing good news, and anything you need to share.