Need ideas on how to share info with uBPDh

[Chilibean13]

Ok everyone,

I need some suggestions. I got a text today from one of my old employees. He has been in the process of creating a new business in the same field in which I used to be his supervisor. We both worked with people with developmental disabilities. I worked in a degreed position and he was one of my assistant supervisors over 1 of the homes I led. My H has been jealous of this employee since the first time my H ever met him. He would often accuse me of wanting to sleep with this guy. Of course, that's ridiculous. I left my old job after 8 years just because I was burned out and needed a break.

About 6-8 months ago, this employee called to just say hi and to see how things were going. He also wanted to see if I would be able to do a photo shoot for him and his son. While we had small talk and go caught up on things, my H was pacing back and forth through the house telling me to get off the phone. When I finally hung up (the call was basically 10-15 min at most), my H exploded about how I was choosing to ignore him for this other guy. I was choosing the other person, etc etc.

This guy would like me to call him after I get off work, which I will do, before I get home. I'm pretty sure he is going to ask me to take on the role that I used to do at my old job. As I stated earlier, he is starting a company to do the same thing that we used to do. If this is the case, that means I will need to discuss the offer with my H and my old employee would basically be my boss now. I am already feeling sick to my stomach as I think about the response I will get.

Any advice on how to proceed? I have about 4 hours until take off.

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[Notwendy]

I've had to deal with jealousy over a work or friend where nothing is going on. It does make me reluctant to discuss these things. Although it does make us dread discussing anything that involves the person, I think it helps to keep in mind that it is our SOs jealousy, not ours. The best we can do is keep our side of the situation clean. If there is nothing to be jealous of, then we have done our part.

Working a long time with someone is bound to result in a friendly work relationship but there are boundaries that have to be respected. I'm sure you know that. Perhaps someone with poor boundaries would not. I understand being on the phone while my H stays in earshot and it creeps me out.

Some posters have advocated open access to things like e mails with spouses. I don't do that. I would not want to be interrogated over something that is nothing. My own ideas about this is that I would be accountable to a higher power if there was anything my H should be jealous of and I do my part to keep boundaries around that. That's my opinion but others may have different ones.

First, what I would do is call the person back but I would want to be in a quiet place with some privacy. Not because it is something to hide, but because if I was thinking my H would be listening and then interrogating me- it would make me feel rattled during the conversation. Something like a job offer would require my full concentration. Then, like any job plan, I would want some private time with the information so I could think about it clearly - on my own- without any influence from someone else's emotions. Then, when I have decided how I feel, I would discuss it with my H. It may not make it easier on his feelings but I can't control that. It would help me to have my thoughts in order first.

[Chilibean13]

The conversation with my H went REALLY REALLY well! EXCPTIONALLY WELL! Extatically well! If you can't tell, I'm kind of excited about it.

The phone call wasn't about a job offer but about a short term offer to help him write up the Medicaid contract application. The friend wanted to meet me to go over details.

I looked up articles on this site about what to do about a jealous spouse, and it said to be honest and try to include the spouse in plans. Because my H and this guy have met before, I asked if it would be ok for my H to come along to the meeting. It's going to be very informal, in public,  and I also want my H to see the friend and I together. I want him to see there is nothing there and this is all business. The friend was completley open to this and said the more people that can help the better. He also said he wants my H to be comfortable with the process too.

When I got home, I gauged my H mood. He was kind of grumpy so I just visited with him for a little while. When he cheered up I talked to him about it. He immediately started to get worked up, but I asked him to please let me finish. I shared everything and he said, "That sounds really good. I can help with editing the contract. I'm good at finding mistakes." We talked about a time that would work best for us all to meet and we set it up.

[Notwendy]

That is really good news.

I agree with honesty and I think it is good that you are able to include your H in a work relationship.

I have introduced my H to old friends and it has gone well at first, and then, faced a rage and accusations later. I don't have anything to hide, but I prefer to keep discussions with him to a minimum while having strong boundaries. I make an effort to see or talk to male friends/co-workers in a group or family setting, or in a very public place if at all possible, so there is no question of intent or actions.

I don't know if this is consistent with the best advice, but, after being falsely accused, I just decided that the best thing I could do was to value my side of things, keep things ethical on my part, keep my H informed but not get into it too much since the conversations don't go well in general.

However, everyone is different and I am glad this went well for you.

[Chilibean13]

I make an effort to see or talk to male friends/co-workers in a group or family setting, or in a very public place if at all possible, so there is no question of intent or actions.

I do the same. It just keeps anyone from being able to make accusations and prevents anyone from getting the wrong idea.

[Chilibean13]

Today is the day that H and I are meeting with my old employee. I reminded him a few minutes ago and he just canceled on me because he doesnt feel well. He asked me if I could be done by 5 and I agreed. I'm a little confused because for the last year this man has been such a threat to him. SMH.

I've determined that I will not allow accusations of cheating when I get home. If he brings it up I will remind him that he was invited to go and chose not to. If he was so worried about it, he should have been there.

[Notwendy]

Well enjoy the meeting without any observation.

I feel less comfortable when my interactions are being observed by my H- if he were to come along to be sure that nothing is going on. I don't have anything to hide, but it feels a bit strange to me.

My H works with several women. He does not invite me to work related meetings. He even feels himself that having a spouse along changes the dynamics. I don't think he is doing anything wrong, but I agree. They are not my colleagues and I don't have any work related interests to talk about with them. They, on the other hand, would be discussing work and I would just be sitting there.

I hope there were no accusations of cheating.