Looking for advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. This relates to my wife of over 40 years. She has over the years had some psychological problems - in her late teens she was prescribed with anti-depressants and then got off them. She used to be quite bubbly and easy going though. Just before our older daughter got married 14 years ago she started in therapy on and off  and then 9 years ago (a week after her mother died) i contracted a life threatening illness and very quickly after being in hospital for a day or so I was given a 5% chance of pulling through. I was in hospital for 8 weeks and although I pulled through, I lost an arm. Ive coped very well but she was diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder by a top psychiatrist. She had therapy for this for maybe 4 years and prides herself on the fact that she hasnt gone back to the therapist though she sometimes talks about it i think she would regard it as a "defeat" to go back for more counselling. so that's the background.

As regards the symptoms. I had never heard about BPD until a couple of months ago, when i googled "living on eggshells" for some reason. As soon as I saw a summary of the typical traits of a BPD sufferer, it seemed to fit my wife to a tee. Some examples:

- she flies into rages for indescribably petty reasons
- she is incredibly obsessive. An example is -- my elderly father lives with us - he has for 10 months now, and while I totally accept that it is intrusive and he has some less than perfect ways, if his chair is moved 4 inches away from the wall, or  he leaves some food or doesnt notice that shes wearing a new dress. She will complain to me about for hours on end. If we go out afterwards for a drink and a meal, for the following 3 hours at least 50% of the conversation will be about the "incident". She tries to be out as much as possible so she doesnt have to be with him
- She has also over the years become obsessively tidy
- she doesnt understand other peoples relationships - like she might criticise our children's partners to our children without realising the children's loyalties to them. Equally she doesnt understand my loyalties to my father. She will say things like  "hes not very bright", "hes really stupid" "hes dirty" "hes got no common sense", but at the same time she is good to him but completely overvalues the fairly minor things she does for him
- she thinks she is the busiest person in the world, but the reality is the complete opposite
- She suffers totally from black and white thinking, there is no in-between. Things are either good or (more often, these days) really awful
- She never values other peoples opinions - she thinks she is always right. For almost 30 years she has been convinced I had an affair with someone who worked for me (which I didnt) and even now, very occasionally she will ask me about it and I will say no - nothing happened and she will say for maybe the 1000th time "well I think it did"
- She often drinks quite heavily - to excess so that her speech can get slurred. She might drink too much maybe 4 days a week 
- She often doesnt listen in conversations and interrupts people and asks them questions theyve answered 5 minutes  earlier
- Her conversation focuses on her rather than the person she stalking to. An example: someone says "ive just had my hair done" - my wife will say - "I had mine done last week"
- She is very self obsessed. My father is getting new hearing aids next week which will enable him to hear much better. She is not very happy about this because she will need to be more careful about speaking about him under her breath. My children find this appallingly self centred
- When I was in hospital, she spoke about wanting to drive the car into a brick wall. The only time since then self harm has been an issue is once a couple of years ago she scratched her arms till they bled and carried on while in a rage
- I never know which one of her im going to wake up to - the happy one , the ocassionally apologetic one or the deeply miserable one
- 90% of our conversation is about her. She rarely asks or shows interest in my work
- I believe her mother had this too.
- She had a very dysfunctional upbringing. For both parents it was a volatile second marriage, and my wife's father used to put her down a lot for being less bright than her younger sister, calling her for example "a blithering idiot". The biggest insult you could direct at my wife now is to call her stupid
- My children have the same issues with her - every single argument there has ever been in the family has involved her

So that is a longer than expected summary. I know that its horrible being my wife sometimes but it's becoming bad being me too and I really dont know what to do about it. Weve move house recently to move near our children and grandchildren which is lovely but there is a big but... .I dont see that leaving is an option, but I think thats less about love than other issues like convenience, family, my father etc. Any advice or suggestions would be very welcome. Also any thoughts as to whether Im right about thinking that it is BPD that she has would be very welcome too. many thanks

[PapaUk100]

Hi. This relates to my wife of over 40 years. She has over the years had some psychological problems - in her late teens she was prescribed with anti-depressants and then got off them. She used to be quite bubbly and easy going though. Just before our older daughter got married 14 years ago she started in therapy on and off  and then 9 years ago (a week after her mother died) i contracted a life threatening illness and very quickly after being in hospital for a day or so I was given a 5% chance of pulling through. I was in hospital for 8 weeks and although I pulled through, I lost an arm. Ive coped very well but she was diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder by a top psychiatrist. She had therapy for this for maybe 4 years and prides herself on the fact that she hasnt gone back to the therapist though she sometimes talks about it i think she would regard it as a "defeat" to go back for more counselling. so that's the background.

As regards the symptoms. I had never heard about BPD until a couple of months ago, when i googled "living on eggshells" for some reason. As soon as I saw a summary of the typical traits of a BPD sufferer, it seemed to fit my wife to a tee. Some examples:

- she flies into rages for indescribably petty reasons
- she is incredibly obsessive. An example is -- my elderly father lives with us - he has for 10 months now, and while I totally accept that it is intrusive and he has some less than perfect ways, if his chair is moved 4 inches away from the wall, or  he leaves some food or doesnt notice that shes wearing a new dress. She will complain to me about for hours on end. If we go out afterwards for a drink and a meal, for the following 3 hours at least 50% of the conversation will be about the "incident". She tries to be out as much as possible so she doesnt have to be with him
- She has also over the years become obsessively tidy
- she doesnt understand other peoples relationships - like she might criticise our children's partners to our children without realising the children's loyalties to them. Equally she doesnt understand my loyalties to my father. She will say things like  "hes not very bright", "hes really stupid" "hes dirty" "hes got no common sense", but at the same time she is good to him but completely overvalues the fairly minor things she does for him
- she thinks she is the busiest person in the world, but the reality is the complete opposite
- She suffers totally from black and white thinking, there is no in-between. Things are either good or (more often, these days) really awful
- She never values other peoples opinions - she thinks she is always right. For almost 30 years she has been convinced I had an affair with someone who worked for me (which I didnt) and even now, very occasionally she will ask me about it and I will say no - nothing happened and she will say for maybe the 1000th time "well I think it did"
- She often drinks quite heavily - to excess so that her speech can get slurred. She might drink too much maybe 4 days a week 
- She often doesnt listen in conversations and interrupts people and asks them questions theyve answered 5 minutes  earlier
- Her conversation focuses on her rather than the person she stalking to. An example: someone says "ive just had my hair done" - my wife will say - "I had mine done last week"
- She is very self obsessed. My father is getting new hearing aids next week which will enable him to hear much better. She is not very happy about this because she will need to be more careful about speaking about him under her breath. My children find this appallingly self centred
- When I was in hospital, she spoke about wanting to drive the car into a brick wall. The only time since then self harm has been an issue is once a couple of years ago she scratched her arms till they bled and carried on while in a rage
- I never know which one of her im going to wake up to - the happy one , the ocassionally apologetic one or the deeply miserable one
- 90% of our conversation is about her. She rarely asks or shows interest in my work
- I believe her mother had this too.
- She had a very dysfunctional upbringing. For both parents it was a volatile second marriage, and my wife's father used to put her down a lot for being less bright than her younger sister, calling her for example "a blithering idiot". The biggest insult you could direct at my wife now is to call her stupid
- My children have the same issues with her - every single argument there has ever been in the family has involved her

So that is a longer than expected summary. I know that its horrible being my wife sometimes but it's becoming bad being me too and I really dont know what to do about it. Weve move house recently to move near our children and grandchildren which is lovely but there is a big but... .I dont see that leaving is an option, but I think thats less about love than other issues like convenience, family, my father etc. Any advice or suggestions would be very welcome. Also any thoughts as to whether Im right about thinking that it is BPD that she has would be very welcome too. many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi ,

Welcome to the boards! I hope you'll find lots of support and help in navigating your relationship here. Many of the symptoms you provided sound a lot like BPD, but I'm not a professional so I can't say for sure that it's BPD. Whether you get the diagnosis or not really isn't as important as learning how to improve your relationship. Some people never get a diagnosis. My H will not go to a psychologist, but he has almost all of the BPD symptoms.

We have a lot of workshops on the right side of the page that can help you learn a little more about being in a relationship with somoene with BPD. It can be a little overwhelming and scary when you first learn what BPD is. For myself I felt a little hopeless knowing that my H may never be cured, but I also had hope in realizing that I wasn't losing my mind and that there were symptoms beyond normal fights for a married couple.

Here's a link to one of our workshops on the Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship. This might be a good start to discovering more about this disorder:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0