My kids are learning BPD traits

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My teens have learned they can get away with being verbally & emotionally abusive. I have no say. I'm the one with the problem. (For many years I believed that.) Thankfully some close relatives began to see the truth. They think I should leave, but I can't just give up on my family. How can I bring some sanity into this madhouse? I want to help my BP SO be able to live a more balanced, free and joyful life! And help my teens to see what a healthy relationship looks like.

[J-jamama]

My teens have learned they can get away with being verbally & emotionally abusive. I have no say. I'm the one with the problem. (For many years I believed that.) Thankfully some close relatives began to see the truth. They think I should leave, but I can't just give up on my family. How can I bring some sanity into this madhouse? I want to help my BP SO be able to live a more balanced, free and joyful life! And help my teens to see what a healthy relationship looks like.

[Turkish]

How old are your kids?

It sounds like the both of you are having issues with them,  yes? It might be good to focus on your relationships with them first before your SO.

[Skyhawk]

I agree. My decision to leave was made very easy the day I realized that I could either be there for my (ex)wife, or be there for my kids and myself. Her disorder would not allow me to take care of anybody other than her.

[takingandsending]

Hello, J-jamama and welcome to bpdfamily. 

There are some very helpful communication tools that work for pwBPD and for people who are not BPD. Validation is a helpful tool, both for children of a BPD parent and for the pwBPD. I am trying to learn how to ask validating questions for my two children because it is something they will not get so often from their BPD mom, and kids need to know that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Along with that, kids also need to understand that there are clear, consistent boundaries so that they know what is expected of them and whether or not their behavior is normalized. Again, with BPD parent, boundaries are unpredictable and frequently not stated. Take a look at the lessons that I linked to here when you can. Are you already using these tools with your children? They also do help with a partner w/BPD, but they are not a panacea. Your SO has to be willing to do work on their own self and hopefully work with a professional to receive help.

Please post questions or thoughts as you read through some of it. The group here will help in whatever way we can.

 
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