My husband has just left me

[WeeJake]

My husband walked out after an ‘argument’ 5 weeks ago and I have not seen him since. He has responded to messages from me asking if he is ok but he won’t talk to me. He keeps repeating that he needs to be on his own, painful as it is. On the day he left he said he was worried about all the conflict in our relationship and referred to when I had said that I didn’t think the marriage was working. He said he cared about me and wanted the marriage to work but that conflict he couldn’t cope with kept happening.

Any time I tried to talk about things with him he would burst into tears and hit himself hard on the head repeatedly. He would start shouting uncontrollably and repeat what he thought I was saying but it didn’t bear much resemblance to what I had actually said. His words were far more negative and critical of himself than anything I had said. It was like I just couldn’t reason with him. Unfortunately his behaviour triggered anger in me and things escalated and usually ended with him leaving me for a few days or weeks. I could get over these events and I remained optimistic that we could sort things out because I didn’t think our differences were that great, but he seemed to live in fear of these events happening again and seemed to endlessly ruminate on them and it would launch him into anxiety and despondency, which would last for months and always be there under the surface. We tried therapy but the therapist did not fully understand the problem and we could never develop a strategy for avoiding emotional meltdowns.

Neither of us have been diagnosed with BPD but I think we both show signs of it to some degree. I am really hurting and want to make things work for us as we do care about each other but just can’t seem to commmunicate properly when it matters. He is hypersensitive to criticism and sees criticism even when there is none there. I felt like I was walking on eggshells most of the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi WeeJake


I"m sorry you've experienced so much conflict in your relationship. How are you doing?

Is this the longest he has ever been gone? How is this separation different than the others?

He is still in communication with you, although brief, so that's a good sign. Is he trying to justify himself in any way about the argument?

I've never been in this type of situation before but when you do contact him instead of pushing to talk about the disagreement or him coming home, could you just talk about normal life stuff?

[WeeJake]

Thank you Tattered Heart. This is different because he says he has found somewhere else to live. Previously we would have talked and come round to a more positive frame of mind but this time he says he cannot go on.
 
He has not tried to justify the argument, he says our chemistry is all wrong during conflict and we are incompatible. He says since therapy hasn’t worked then we can’t go on. He has said he will help me practically but that he is emotionally incapable. He said I cannot help him emotionally either.  I haven’t been pushing him to talk about coming home, I messaged him twice asking if he would like to talk and he responded both tines with the message that I had to accept it was over. We spoke after his first message and it was nice and calm. The second text triggered my anger, I was shocked after the calm conversation, and I responded with some nasty texts. I apologised for these in a subsequent email but I have had no reply from him. He had said in his text that he would talk but I tried phoning him and he wouldn’t answer. My nasty messages must have set him off emotionally and he can’t cope when he is already at a low ebb.

I would dearly love to have a simple chat about everyday stuff but I think he fears any emotional reaction and so I doubt if he will speak to me. I haven’t tried phoning since last weekend, but in the email I sent where I apologised for my anger, I tried to empathise with his emotional pain and told him that I’d been reading about it and understood it a lot better now which is true. I had never really heard of BPD before this and it’s been a revelation to me. I didn’t use that label with him, I called it emotional pain as I think he would freak out if he thought he had a personality disorder and he would take it as a criticism from me.

I suppose I hope that things will calm down eventually and we can talk because I miss him, but I don’t think he’ll be home anytime soon. He has said several times that he cannot function within a relationship.

[WeeJake]

I should add that this is a second marriage for both of us and we have 5 adult children between us. The stepfamily situation has been stressful as the children don’t really mix and I feel pretty excluded from his family. He lived with me and my two children and we rarely had contact with his children although he is very close to them. I think the apparent tension between the two families (although tension  is too strong a word, that is how he saw it) was too much for him as he wanted everyone to blend easily into one big family. I always thought you couldn’t simply expect that to happen and beyond our relationship everyone else had to find their own comfort level. He saw the fact that I wasn’t close to his children as a failure but they never really wanted me to be a mother figure. Despite that we all had a friendly enough relationship but it didn’t seem to be enough for him.

[WeeJake]

This is the second text he sent where he repeated it was over. After my reaction to this he now won’t talk.

I need to get over things and put the pain behind me. Painful as it is I still think this is the best course of action for me. I am sorting out a place to live. I think I have found somewhere that would suit. Please don't let me have to say it again to you on the phone- I can't bear the pain that might cause you and the reflections it stirs up in me. It is alien to me and overwhelms me. Like before if you would like a friendly chat despite it all then let's talk later today or tomorrow. I hope everyone is getting on okay. I still need to be on my own I'm afraid x

[pearlsw]

Hi WeeJake,

I am sorry to hear about this situation with your husband! How are you feeling? What do you think comes next?

I can relate to a few pieces of what you describe here. My "h" has kids, I don't, but still... .us all being together is often less than ideal to say the least. I agree, that kind of stuff takes work, is not automatic, though we'd like it to be. I always wanted my h's help with this, but he had a lot of trouble with balancing it... .it is just too much input for him all at once... .and it is hard for him to hold to set pattern of behavior/principles/promises when under stress.

One thing I can suggest, is to take this time to really work on your own anger and communication skills. It sounds like, with kids involved, there might be contact between the two of you so it could help to have yourself very clear and centered on such things. Is that something that would interest you? Have you tried meditation?

warmly, pearl.

[WeeJake]

Thank you so much for your kind words, pearl. I’m feeling like my world has been turned upside down and I have no idea what comes next. We have been in a cycle of splitting and getting back together but this time the split feels permanent. I can’t see things getting better as he won’t commit to trying to improve things as he thinks the destructive cycles are inevitable. I think we could change if we both wanted and realising that BPD might be playing a part would really help I think but I don’t think he would accept that. He says he’s lost his identity by being in a couple and he does seem lost and depressed.

As you suggest, I am working on my anger as I can see that it is a problem for me. I have been trying some DBT techniques and I have been practising mindfulness for a while now. I imagine I might have difficulty employing the techniques in the heat of the moment but I need to work on that.

Thanks very much for your advice and it’s good to hear from someone who understands the stepfamily angle! Being a stepmother can be challenging to say the least and I felt under so much scrutiny it was very restrictive and unnatural.

I hope that he and I will be able to be friendly but I think he has issues which he needs to accept and get help with, but he thinks his emotional dysregulation is only in reaction to me which is why he wants to end our marriage.

Thanks again

Jake

[Notgoneyet]

, but he thinks his emotional dysregulation is only in reaction to me which is why he wants to end our marriage.

  WeeJake,
   Sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard trying to repair a marriage/relationship single handedly. I can relate 100%.
  The 1st 25x's I heard how my uBPDw of 35yrs wants to end ours because "I'm just too crazy" While she's in a complete emotional breakdown was very painful to hear because I did take it personally. Blaming & projecting their feeling to you is what BP's are SO skilled at!                                                                                                      I've learned so many coping skills here on this board & its links, also from reading many books (Stop walking on egg shells- one of my favorites)  that it barely even raises an eyebrow now.   
   If I say anything I just validate the feelings behind it and whatever else maybe attached to it and move on.                                                                                                     Lots of answers to be found on these pages.
   Take care of You through all of this, It is hard on the heart & mind.
   Notdoneyet

 

[WeeJake]

Thank you notgoneyet. It’s difficult when the negativity takes over and I can’t get him to see any hope. He says that one of us had to stop the destructive cycle and that by ending the marriage it will prevent more pain in the long run. I suspect that he will discover that he carries his pain with him. He wasn’t verbally abusive to me in the way you describe your partner but it is a kind of emotional abuse to blame the relationship for all his problems. His anger was directed inwardly at himself and his emotional outbursts were frightening to witness as he shouted extreme negative things about what he thought I was thinking about him when I wasn’t. ‘That’s right, I’m hopeless’ ‘I’d be better off dead’ and things like that while hitting himself hard on the head, sometimes with heavy objects he’d pick up. It was hard to stay rational when confronted with that so I would leave the room and he would follow me around the house shouting in a panic which would trigger my fear and anger.  I would say ‘Leave me alone’ meaning just for a few minutes but he thought I meant for ever and he would leave.

You might wonder why I would want to stay with someone like that but when things were calm they were pretty good and he was mostly kind and thoughtful. If only we could have eradicated the dysfunctional exchanges when we were stressed but we never really tried to build any strategies for doing that. How difficult are these relationships? He is a good man but he can’t cope with these outbursts and he dwells on them so it is very difficult to move on from them and for him they have a cumulative effect. I can focus on the positives and see the outbursts as an aberration rather than the norm, but for him they are the only reality.

Thank you for reaching out and for your advice.

[Gblack]

Sorry double post

[Gblack]

This is the second text he sent where he repeated it was over. After my reaction to this he now won’t talk.

I need to get over things and put the pain behind me. Painful as it is I still think this is the best course of action for me. I am sorting out a place to live. I think I have found somewhere that would suit. Please don't let me have to say it again to you on the phone- I can't bear the pain that might cause you and the reflections it stirs up in me. It is alien to me and overwhelms me. Like before if you would like a friendly chat despite it all then let's talk later today or tomorrow. I hope everyone is getting on okay. I still need to be on my own I'm afraid x
[quote/]

That is the definition of shame. My wife never even told me she wanted a divorce until the judge asked her in court. In court she couldn’t look at me bc of you guessed it, shame. Him hitting himself is him dealing with guilt and shame. I am going thru a similar situation as you but mine started Jan. 6 so hope you find some peace soon. Possibly NC with him for a little while is best. It seems both of you guys emotions are running high and this isn’t the time to talk about reconciliation. As hard as it may be try and be patient. Take this time to work on your anger. Like me you sound as if you are a reactionary and this prob comes from trying to hang onto the marriage. I’ve found lots of peace in reading a book called Codependency, No More. A quote in it that I read daily concerning my spouse leaving is this:

“When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you—they are saying they don’t love themselves.”

I hope that gives you some peace knowing that it’s not all your fault. Take this time to pray, read devotionals, seek out a support group, get at least 4 friends you can call that will let you vent/express your heart, get rest (if you can’t sleep buy some zzzquil), and know above all else that you are worthy of love, respect, and a healthy relationship (whether that’s with him or not). I’d also suggest a book called Boundaries and one on BPD called Walking on eggshells. Good luck and congrats on already taking steps towards caring for you by being on this message board!

[juju2]

Hang in there

I guess words dont matter as much as actions  i learned that here.
If you want this r/s, maybe you could pause, see your part in the r/s, areas where I can improve.

I was always reacting.

It helps me if i can learn to not react.

I have learned a lot here, it does take time.

Also, self care is huge.  When i take very good care of myself, everything gets better.  I think better.

My actions become intuitive.  I feel good about myself.

Blessings, 
j

[WeeJake]

Thanks for the advice, juju and Gblack. I have accepted that there is no hope for the marriage and it breaks my heart but I’ll look after myself and I’ll get over it eventually. I have been ruminating too much on the ‘how could he do this?’ and it’s only doing harm so I need to drop it and focus on life without him. It’s sad but it’s for the best so I just need to think that he’s done me a favour.