Supporting Adult Sibling with BPD Traits Who Lives Far Away

[artparent]

Hi folks... .I'm new here and could use some feedback on how best to support my middle-aged brother who displays many BPD traits. He has not been formally diagnosed BPD (or his therapist hasn't shared that diagnosis with him yet) - but he is diagnosed as bipolar with severe anxiety/depression.  

We live on opposite sides of the country. My brother is demanding that I drop everything and come be an active participant in his recovery. I have my own family to care for, limited vacation time with my work, and limited finances for travel/missing work. So, this is not a realistic option for me, and I'm not convinced that it would actually be helpful to him anyway, even if I were able to accommodate his demand.  

I do make efforts I make to support him with weekly phone messages and texts to say I love and support him, but my efforts are met with anger, criticism, and claims that "saying that but not actually doing anything makes me feel worse not better."  Complicating matters is that he refuses to speak on the phone and will only return communication via text, so we never actually have a dialogue. It's really just me trying to leave him messages of support in the most neutral way possible, and his return lashing out with dozens of text messages that are cruel, accusatory, etc.

It seems like what I am able to do as help for him only triggers his anger/stress/anxiety. I'm confused if I should continue calling/texting or not.  Any advice?

[Aleea]

Hi,
I'm new here and I'm also unsure how to handle BPD!  However, based on my experience with my mother, I will share my thoughts.  My mother has a need to be a victim.  It sounds like your brother may be similar? He's pushing away your efforts and feeling victimized.  If you stop sending messages and communicating, you're validating that he's a victim and turning his perception into reality.  It will then give him the right to say his sibling abandoned him so he can gain sympathy from others.  I think growing up with a BPD has taught me to always anticipate the reaction of the BPD.  My initial thought is to continue to keep your boundaries strong! And continue to send encouragement.  
However, the choice in how to deal with this should first start by checking in with yourself.  How much are you able to handle?  Can you separate your emotions when your brother is criticizing and being cruel?  Can you understand that it's his illness talking and not him?  Or, are you internalizing everything he says?  Is it affecting your day to day life in a negative way?  
My advice is to take care of yourself first and then your brother.  :)on't let him pull you under with him. Set boundaries.  This is much easier said than done!  I'm struggling with similar things.  It's easy to set boundaries but when they are well the boundaries aren't needed.  I start to drop the boundaries and begin to trust.  Then the cycle begins again.  It's all so confusing and can easily take over.  Put yourself first in all cases.  I hope this helps a little.  Please update as to how your situation is going.  Wishing you all the best!