Hello PenelopeParsons, and
I'm very sorry to hear about your suffering. We all feel trapped and with no way out very often, we feel desperate and alone. At the very least, you are not alone, millions of family members know what you are going through, and some of them are here. When we decide to come out of "hiding" we discover we are not alone in this.
The first most important question is: Are you and your son safe? (how old is he?) You say you have no job and little money, but can you count on your family's support if things go sideways, or for short "time-outs"?
Not having self-harm or suicide thoughts is good news. It is what scare us the most. On the other hand, self harm and thinking about suicide are twisted tools to regulate very intense emotions. So his other defense mechanisms have to be stronger, in order not to need those. Check out if he might fit the criteria for narcisistic PD.
Being a man myself, I have to say that your son comes first. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. Be sure you put him first. You don't want to pass along your suffering.
Having said that. There is always room for improvement. Being able to share your fears and frustrations, that already helps. But you have a lot of great resources on this website, take your time, and with patience you can improve a lot your own anxiety, and apply tools to the relationship that would improve the situation. There is hope.
Take care of yourself, accept the situation, and start the change bit by bit.
