Ready to blow but keeping the lid on

[Yepanotherone]

I'm on the countdown with yah LP , big hugs xxx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Thank you for the support.

Today is bank holiday Monday, its glorious.

DS was the first thing I thought about today. That's a bad sign.

Incadove: I think you're right that DS is distancing himself. I'm glad.

I don't know what I was expecting to feel. A small ounce of thankfulness for giving him the opportunity to stitch his life tigether would have been appreciated. He's unable to provide that. We all know that's how it is, there's no changing it. A bit like never getting a birthday card, you learn to live with it. As Huat wisely says don't fall into that pity state of "poor, poor me. Life's so unfair!"

The forthcoming weeks will be a challenge but we're moving forwards. DS has to now save up for the deposit - I'm sorely tempted to just pay him to leave this week. Change is a strange beast but it is welcome. I never thought I'd see the day he'd go willingly. I'm grateful for that.

I'm shaking him and this feeling off. I'm focussing on having a good day for myself.

LP

[Lollypop]

Talk about escalation.

Talk about raging anger and FXXX YOU screamed in your face repeatedly.

I'm sorry everybody but I just can't do this any more. I'm not a violent person, I've never been raged at and I will not tolerate it by anybody. When told he said "what? Am I not allowed to express my raw anger?".  No, my house, my boundaries. I was furious and pushed him when he was near the top of the stairs. I know, I know. I shouldn't but he was absolutely vile. He raced back up and started his torrent as I squared up to him, nose to nose he screamed F X X X. Y O U.

Later he came back. Surprisingly. Listening to him calmly try to talk about the incident, express his feelings when he came back later trying to manipulate and twist his way back in. Everything is our fault because:

I smacked him in a car park when he was 6.
His dad told him off for saying "shut up" when he was little.
For not seeing he was stealing codeine from the medicine supplies.
For showing him up with his drug friends with something that his dad said.
For ruining his relationship with his younger brother.
For not validating him rigjt now over our bad parenting.
For the toxic environment he's got to live in.
For making him dependant upon us.
How he has to live his life in a facade with us.
He doesn't like his dad and wants no relationship.

The list goes on.

I'm done. I said my peace calmly, reminded him that he wasn't the only person that is allowed to express themselves. My H told him that he has to leave and that we will not tolerate verbal abuse - ever.

Then son complained about the way the conversation went, he didn't like the way his dad wasn't emotionally responding to him. He doesn't like that I've given up alcohol. He doesn't like that we've moved on with our lives. He wants to talk about 15 years ago and how he was mistreated because we were totally against drugs. We made him like this.

I repeat. I'm done. I'm ok. There's nothing more I can do or say. I know he can't help it, that doesn't mean that I put myself through this any longer.

We have been good parents, not perfect, his expectations of us are too much.  Everything is all about him.

There's not one ounce of gratitude. No acknowledgment of what we've tried to do. No love, only vitriol. I truly believe he's incapable at this present time. Lord help him. Ive stopped shaking but am still weepy.

Clearly, we can't do right for doing wrong.

I'm not cut out for this. I'm too sensitive. I've never been treated like this before and will not put up with it.

We all want the same thing in life; to be loved and understood. It works both ways.

LP

[wendydarling]

Blimey LP 

How shocking for you and H, I'm so sorry - that's devastating behaviour after all you've done for DS, you and H did the right thing to clearly set out what is unacceptable in your home.

With announcing his own decision to leave it's almost as if he's put you in the position of making the final decision for him, it's the only way he can see it through.

He's set his stall, he's got a lot of work to do, I hope he finds it in himself.

Staying strong with you LP - big hugs 

WDx

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop:

I am SO sorry all this is happening to you and your family.  You certainly have tried your best and your best at this point in time may be to expedite your son's planned departure.  You had written in a previous post "I'm sorely tempted to just pay him to leave this week."  

Hopefully the dust is settling a bit now.  Perhaps a calmer you could offer him that assistance... .pointing out that, as much as you and your husband love him... .and know that he loves you... .current living arrangements are just not working out... .for any of you... .and obviously they are not.

There is food-for-thought in Wendydarling's comment... ."With announcing his own decision to leave, it's almost as if he's put you in the position of making the final decision for him, it's the only way he can see it through."  Hmmmmm?  Could be!

My husband and I were warned that our daughter's escalating verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  In her last rage, the "F" bomb was released... .definitely, DEFINITELY not acceptable!  For me a corner was turned.  All of a sudden I was calm.  What followed was a feeling of confidence that I was now going to take back control and do what would need to be done to bring about change.

A recent quote I read... ."Healing is a journey... .not a destination."  With that in mind, Lollypop, know that you are never failing in your journey with your son... .just re-fuelling and re-charting your course... .but you are always moving forward.

Oh... .and once he does leave... .think about instantly redecorating his previous room... .perhaps to a "She-cave" for you... .something nice and frilly... .spa music playing in the background... .or into whatever else it is that turns your crank and gives you a smile.

((Hugs)) to ya!   ; ))

[Yepanotherone]

Oh LP what a nightmare , just when things were looking up   I think it sounds like he's suddenly  become so anxious and dyregulated  about the realities now of moving out . It's a huge change for him , just when he was getting very comfortable (TOO comfortable!) with his living arrangements .  I feel he knows he has to live up to his claims now that he is ready to move out and it's too much for him to process . Remember what happens when our BPD's become dysregulated , they literally cannot think straight and will look to blame others for how bad they are feeling , they will literally make all sorts of crap up to try and justify to themselves how bad they feel . Right now he's displaying the " border lion " behaviors and you cannot be hard on yourself for how you react to this , particularly because this particular behavior is new for you . We are all human and it's come as such a shock to you to have him behave in this way, not to mention how disappointed and let down you must feel , no one can prepare themselves for " reacting appropriately " when something like this goes down  .
Stay focused LP on the end goal ... to get him to move out . I'd expect a lot more blow ups coming your way as he makes this transition , let it happen , ride it out , keep your boundaries and now include within them you will not tolerate being spoken to like this. Once he's moved out and adjusts to his new life , you can focus once more on repairing your relationship again .
Lots of love to you toots xxx

[Lollypop]

Thank you all for you kindness and support.

Battle weary, licking my wounds. I'm feeling like old times.

BUT it's not old times. This forum has given me the confidence and knowledge and skills to better deal with this situation.

You make me smile sadly when you say later on we can go about working on the relationship. Maybe. That's very likely not to happen.  Right now, life's better with him not in it.

Yes, dysregulation. I didn't heed his needs. I put my need above his, my need to not put up with his obvious resentment towards us. I couldn't bear another couple of months of this behaviour. I chose to challenge him on it and he flipped. Maybe I was pushing his buttons. It's done now, He's made his feelings clear.

He popped his head around the door to test the water. Like a toddler it was all about how bad his head feels. I didn't validate. I just said "you're not the only one hurting". I find it difficult to validate any more. It's just a one way process with nothing ever in return. That's my problem; I can't do this any more.

The neighbours heard the argument. I saw one come out into her garden listening as I watch my son leave the house. I'm ashamed...

Huat, this is good advice. I'll talk to my H today.

There's a shortage of housing in my area and the landlords pick the best. The logistics of getting a place isn't necessarily simple. One step at a time.

This thread will be locked soon as it's reaching its capacity. I'll post a new thread to let you know how it's going.

Thank you for letting me vent without judgment ❤️

[Lollypop]

I completely forgot to say that my youngest son soon to be 17 said

"What? He doesn't get that his addiction is causing him any problems? Has he ever had a successful relationship? The thing is, we're doing ok aren't we? I did really well in my GCSEs, I'm doing my A'levels, you've got your course and you get As, Dads got his boat and the business is doing ok. We're ok. I can't wait for him to leave and I've not wanted him here for the last two years".  This came with the biggest hug. It's hard to have such opposite children and I understand this part of the BPD territory with the golden child.

Also, while I'm on a roll. We bought the boat as part of our focus to have a good life of our own, new interests. This has been the best thing ever and is therapy in itself, but it has to be paid for.

I'm taking better care of myself. I love wine but am overweight. I made the decision to stop drinking all together to help pay for the boat, support my younger son who is sporty and doesn't want to drink alcohol or take drugs (at the moment), show adult son it can be done and stop giving him reason to justify his own choices. I feel fantastic physically. The irony is that I've not lost one pound! So now I've started cycling. Our lives are completely altered, fulfilled.

That must be hard to witness if you are stuck in addiction. It's all we can do. Demonstrate how to live a good life. My adult son will leave and not want to witness the happy family he can't feel part of.

Signing off 

LP

Ps. I write in the hope it resonates with other members. I hope my own healing journey helps others in some way,

[incadove]

Hi Lollypop

Just wanted to send support and hugs - I know being treated that way is so painful!  And that you are doing absolutely the right thing by setting a firm boundary that he has to move out for treating you that way.  It does him no good to think he could do that to people, *especially* his mother!   It is a loving thing to do to insist he move out and no ifs or buts.  Taking your life back is the right thing too.  I do think things might improve some months out after he has had to take responsibility for himself.   If for practical reasons he can't move out right away, I would give him some way to work off his offense, have him do something practical, like some hours of yard work, to pay for having shouted at you like that.  Don't let him get away with it with only more emotional conversations in any case!

Good luck and thank you for all your support in the forums here!   

[Gorges]

I think that the escalated behavior is a good sign that he needs to move out.  It will help you when he does move out and struggles to remember that if he was living with you the behavior could become dangerous.  I know this helped me.  I knew our daughter could not live with us because she just became crazy (as did I) and things got too heated.  This wasn't fair to all members of our family or the community we lived in.  She did struggle a lot when she was on her own.  But, in the end she gave up drugs, is back enrolled in college, living with us (and it is completely wonderful), and on a journey to become a better person.  I don't think it always works that way and it could certainly head south.  But, don't ever give up hope.

[Lollypop]

Gorges and Yep

Thanks for posting. Feeling defeated for so long, accepting your lot, learning how to just get through the days despite the problems and then comes glimmers of hope. When it comes let's enjoy it.

LP

It comes down to loving our kids when they aren't so lovable!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

And I'll drink to that's LP we are definitely having a good spell . My DD seems to be getting her need for weed under control , she hasn't cut in at least 2 months , she's getting her schoolwork done , she's meeting curfews , she's actually pleasant to be around , and she starts a new job on Tuesday . Additionally , there has been no late nights , she seems to have matured just a little bit ,  her dress sense has returned  and she's had her hair highlighted back to beautiful colors again so she no longer looks and dresses like a street hooker ! She's even stopped smoking ! its a shame that we just await the next crash  as it's definitely too good to last ! Our family therapist said in our last session that he definitely sees a " shift" in her . That's not to say she won't still crash , but perhaps she won't crash quite as low as she has done in the last 2 years .
Her best friend left to go back to her home state a few weeks ago too and I was very watchful waiting for " the crash ", but so far so good . She actually said " the 15 year old me wouldn't have coped with this at all and I'd definitely have been suicidal , but the 17 year old me is sad she's gone , but it's for the best and I'm coping with it ". Turn up for the books right enough !