My daughter-in-law has been diagnosed with BPD within the last year.

[gmaforever]

My son has been married to my daughter-in-law for 9 years, and has been in a relationship with her for 15 years.  She has been diagnosed with BPD within the last year, and has been diagnosed with depression for the last 20 years.  I have two grandaughters who I fear have been exposed to moms episodes.  I also have been the subject of her anger and wrath, as well as others in our family.  She has her wonderful moments of creativity, exuberance, and charm.  This diagnosis has just been revealed to us by our son in the last 4 months because she entered a recovery center for substance abuse/therapy/healing and I was needed to take care of the girls.  My son revealed he has been covering for her behavior and realizes his enabling her illness.  My son and daughter-in-law are now separated and he is moving toward divorce.  I am looking for tools to continue a relationship with my granddaughters mother, but is proving very difficult as I now have become one who has abandoned her.  My son said I would one day become the enemy.

[Panda39]

Hi gmaforever,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry you and your family are going through all of this.   How old are your granddaughters?  How do they seem to be handling things?  Are they receiving any therapy at all?

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so come at this from a slightly different angle.

That said the first thing I did when I found out about BPD was hit my library and read all I could on BPD.  Two books about BPD in General that I found really helpful were... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorderby Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr M. A.

I also wanted to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

My son said I would one day become the enemy.

Your son maybe right here, people with BPD do a lot of black and white thinking your son divorcing her could make him the enemy and you as well by extension.  I've listed a few links below on Validation & SET (Sympathy Empathy Truth) both are tools that can help when dealing with your DIL.  Validation is not about validating bad behaviors on her part but validating the feelings she is having behind those behaviors and SET is a way of communicating that also taps into her feelings.  For people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings can often equal facts so focusing on her feelings can be helpful in your interactions with her.
(Validation can also be a good tool to use with your granddaughters)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I know I'm throwing a lot of information at you, I hope you find it helpful.  I know other members will be along soon with more ideas and feedback.

One more thing I wanted to suggest and that is see if your son would be willing to join us too.  My SO and I are both members and we have found it helpful to speak the same language when dealing with his ex.  Your son could get support in terms of exiting his marriage and support through the divorce process if he needs it.

Hang in there,
Panda39