He is so gracious about my leaving him?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am confused. He left for a few weeks and planned to find an apt here and return. He tried to get me and our friends to find him a place but he often asks too much of people and they wrote him saying he needed to find the place himself. He wrote them and copied me about how unsafe he felt coming back here and they must have colluded with me and he was crying etc...

Because of our seriously dysfunctional history and him finally leaving,I asked him not to return here. There was an angry email blaming me for not putting him first etc. Though it seems to me he always put himself first by getting angry when I asked him to pay his rent portion and needing endless attention from me every day and refusing to find his own apt which meant he spent months living in my living room claiming he didn't want to be there either... .But he wouldn't leave.

Then, an email of clarity and affection about how life is short and we tried our best and he had loved me. Wow. Like a grown up. I am skeptical. Can't quite believe it. Will he just move on now or try to weasel his way back here?

I have been depressed the last few days over never seeing him again and having to be so hard line with him. Telling him not to come back here. Very painful.

[anna58]

I am confused. He left for a few weeks and planned to find an apt here and return. He tried to get me and our friends to find him a place but he often asks too much of people and they wrote him saying he needed to find the place himself. He wrote them and copied me about how unsafe he felt coming back here and they must have colluded with me and he was crying etc...

Because of our seriously dysfunctional history and him finally leaving,I asked him not to return here. There was an angry email blaming me for not putting him first etc. Though it seems to me he always put himself first by getting angry when I asked him to pay his rent portion and needing endless attention from me every day and refusing to find his own apt which meant he spent months living in my living room claiming he didn't want to be there either... .But he wouldn't leave.

Then, an email of clarity and affection about how life is short and we tried our best and he had loved me. Wow. Like a grown up. I am skeptical. Can't quite believe it. Will he just move on now or try to weasel his way back here?

I have been depressed the last few days over never seeing him again and having to be so hard line with him. Telling him not to come back here. Very painful.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Anna, I'm so sorry you're struggling with your ex's behavior right now.  There's really no way to know if he'll continue to try to come back in your life or head off on his own.  All you can do is focus on yourself and your healing.

We wary of projecting too much maturity into the nicer email.  pwBPD do not auddenly acquire maturity, empathy, or an integrated world view where they controbute to their own problems.  That takes a long time in therapy and they have to really commit to the goal of improving their own lives (and accepting their. Shavuot is contributing to or driving most of it).  pwBPD try many approaches to see what lands with their target.  In many ways they are far more skilled at conditioning our behavior with intermittent rewards than we ever could have been.  The intermittent rewards can lead to that addictive feeling that makes getting clear of toxic relationships so hard.

Much love to you.  Hope you can find some space for yourself and relax a bit. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi anna,

How did you word your email?  Is there any chance he may be echoing anything that you wrote or using a similar style to yours?  It does seem to me to be an attempt at a different angle.   

If your decision is final that this is what you want, my advice to you is now to turn your attention fully onto yourself.  What is it that brought you into this r/s and kept you in the sort of situation you've been struggling with? 

As hard as it is, the fact that you've made a choice and sent that message means that now you cannot afford to really take onboard any response if you mean to stick with what you said.  I shared with you what I sent to my ex to call it a day between us and ask him to no longer contact me.  The voice message I received immediately afterwards was the single most difficult thing I've had to listen to yet I made myself listen.  It was my final test of resolve.  I had made my decision to choose what was healthy for me for the first time in a long time and despite the fact that his sobbing message made me feel like my heart was literally torn from my chest, I stopped myself from responding.  My boundary was set on myself and I wasn't going to bust it for anything.  You know in yourself that what you have said is the right thing for yourself and I say this because I've followed your story and read how you would feel to have him live there in such proximity.  You are putting your own well being first and that is a credit to you. 

Take a very deep breath and make a first small step forwards.  The rest will follow.

Love and light x