Partner wants a second child

[Foozzz]

I am new to the forum. I have done a fair amount of reading regarding BPD and I'm working to adopt the use of validation and setting boundaries in my relationship.  I have a situation that I could use some help dealing with in my relationship. We have one child aged 6 and my wife would like a second child. The problem is that she has difficulty dealing with our son now and frequently blows up at him and calls him stupid or dummy. I work to intervene which seems to trigger dysregulation in her. How does one deal with an untenable situation like this?  My other question is how does one go about discussing my feeling that my wife has difficulty dealing with our only child and that I don't think we should have another child when she diregulates so easily with our son? Last night she broke a door jamb by slamming the door repeatedly when I wouldn't respond to her request to have another child. This morning she was back to her old self. Need help in dealing with this loaded dysregulation trigger.

Do hormone levels play a role in the odds of dysregulation occurring?

Thanks

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[flourdust]

Just to be clear -- you don't want a second child, right?

This sort of disagreement is challenging (to put it mildly) for any couple, even without adding personality disorders to the mix.

It sounds like your wife has other reasons to dysregulate, being triggered by your son. May I suggest that you focus first on using the tools that you've been reading about to try to protect your son? That's a good starting point with very desirable results.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Unfortunately, BPDs will often bite off WAY more than they can chew.  They also tend to think, "If this isn't work, let's try more of the same!"  Let's say that my wife and I agree that we will take turns cleaning the cat litter boxes 2 times a week.  If this does not happen, she does not think about how we can change things to make it happen.  Instead, she decides that we should clean them 3 times a week.  Then that does not happen--she is often makes grand plans with little follow through.

I suspect that part of the problem here is that your wife is internalizing what she perceives as your son's "flaws."  If she is "stupid" and a "dummy," then that makes her a bad mother.  But it will be different next time!  Everything will go perfectly with the next child!  That will prove to everyone (especially her) that she is a good mother after all.

Is your wife diagnosed or undiagnosed?

One pattern that has come up is that BPDs will finally seek treatment when they catch themselves acting abusively toward their own children.  It is more likely to seem OK to them to abuse a spouse or other adult relative.  I have seen this come up in books such as Stop Walking on Eggshells.

My wife is undiagnosed, or perhaps I should say "misdiagnosed."  Last spring, she finally realized how horrible she was being to the kids and accepted that she needed to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.  She is now officially "bi-polar II," which is a common misdiagnosis for BPD.  (She does not take the dosage of medication that her doctor recommends however.)

My wife has also wanted to have more children.  She kept pressuring me into "being open" to another child for several years.  I was supposed to be "open" despite the fights with and in front of the kids as well as the financial problems that made it difficult for us to support the kids that we have.

Before our daughter was born, my wife was committed to "v-backing."  She felt a lot of guilt that she had a c-section with our son.  Naturally, she did a lot of blaming of the medical staff.  But she also had previously been very judgmental against any woman who had a c-section, including her friends.  She kept pressuring me to tell her that "I knew" that she could have our daughter without a c-section.  One time, she even did this in front of her midwife and the ob-gyn.  I looked straight at them and asked if they could promise it.  Naturally, they could not.  It often felt like her main motivation for having our daughter was to "get it right" the second time.  When the time came, however, the midwife determined that our daughter was in danger and performed a c-section.

Your focus, and your wife's focus, should be on how she can be a good mother to your son, not an ideal mother.  Yes, her abuse is probably causing a lot of problems for him.  But if you emphasize that too much, she will deflect the blame back on to him--she isn't a bad mother, he is a bad child.  She is doing everything right, but it does not work because of him.  She is the ideal mother, but he is not the ideal son.  The most important thing is to get her to accept that no one has to be perfect.  If she can realize that it is OK for her to be less-than-perfect, than she can accept his "flaws."  Don't be a perfect mother--be a good mother.  (I am trying to focus on our son completing his homework assignments.  He justifies his unwillingness to do so on the grounds that he is not good enough.  Yet my wife often falls back on telling him that she "knows" he is capable of making straight As.  In other words, he is a disappointment if he does not get straight As.  So, if he is a disappointment anyway, why bother turning in B or C work?)

[Foozzz]

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the best way to reply to both of the much appreciated replies.

1) I am not averse to having a second child, but with the way things are in our household I don't believe it would improve any of our lives.

2) My wife is undiagnosed.

I am using the tools to a degree, but the separating when she diregulates is hard on our son which troubles me. My wife is also a property damager that destroyed seveal thousand dollars worth of our possessions when I leave to "take a break".

My wife seems to function in large to appear exceptional if front of her friends and peers. Everything in her life including me, our son, our home, our family vacations and our careers need to be perfect and if any of it isn't  (in her opinion ) then it's my fault and the insults and name calling begin.

This evening our discourse was regarding our plans for a family trip and out of the blue she brought up that it would be a good time to make a second baby. When I didn't immediately agree (as she knew I wouldn't ) the conversation devolved into her calling me names and telling me to leave our home. If anyone has any suggestions regarding a way to handle this situation that preferably doesn't involve me leaving our home for the night I'd love to hear them.

Thanks again for the earlier replies.