New to the forum — Wife's rages have taken a toll on marriage and my soul

[AngelBuds]

I am so sorry you are in that position and feeling that way.  I feel a lot of what you said <3

I have known my Husband for 6 years.  Last 11 months he is acting opposite of the man I fell for and married.  It's insane to me because it is anger aimed at me for nothing or something totally out of my control (like how fast the car charger, charges.)

I am now 10 weeks pregnant and his rage has not settled down with the HUGE news.  We are 37 yrs old, 1st time marriage, 1st time baby.  The man I knew would be a great father if I ever had a child, is gone.  I am living with a stranger but as long as I keep my distance, I can rebuild my life which he has stomped all over, and see where he ends up.  With or without him, I will never allow my child to experience what he has become.

I am doing everything possible to save him, this marriage and me.  Recently, I got way burnt out and overwhelmed with everything on me own, struggling with life, and Husband I decided: I am taking care of me and my baby.  I gave him resources & phone numbers to call himself since he refuses to allow me to book him for any appts.  I called IHOT, which is an organization which contacts loved ones with mental disorders, to help them into therapy.  They also offer me counseling to pull myself together, too. 

I allowed myself to get lost in his mental illness.  11 months ago, I blamed me for his insanity rages cus he never acted that way, I must have done something.  He was raging at me, so yes, it had to be me even tho it made no sense the word salads... .Well, within months I saw I was being manipulated, and started standing up for myself.  WOW.  I think this is where I decided I wanted a Divorce.  Those arguments turned into bloodbaths where no one was spared.  I pleaded with him to stop abusing me because I do not know what I will do next.  He continued, and now we know: he is killing us and I am not fighting for him anymore-I am fighting for my life and my baby.  If he ends up with us it will be because he gave effort into addressing his disorders. 

Why after 5 years together this new guy showed up?  I have my hunches.  BPD are deathly afraid of abandonment.  11 months ago, I began to walk again after a decade of severe illnesses.  He was there for the last 5 years.  He was my Angel, day and night.  He saw me though: Epilepsy, Colitis, black outs, anemia, Cirrhosis, gastritis, acid reflux disease---and more.  I was barely alive, and he was always there.  I never give up, so I healed all that I just stated with natural remedies.  Within 1 year, I baffled all the Drs who said I would die.  And 11 months ago, I said I am finally ready to go back to work and school PLUS move.  With him ofcourse.  But, that's when I saw cracks.  It only gets worse without treatment. 

I am very open with my communication so he has heard all I have to say, have said and write.  Whether he remembers or believes me, we shall see.  With or without him, I made a promise to myself: I will never be abused as I was my entire life and I sure as hell would NEVER allow my baby near abuse of any kind.  Abuse is a cycle within families and communities, and I am breaking the cycle.  It just shocks me, breaks my heart, he is going against everything we promised to eachother... .my Husband would never allow this new guy (my Husband) near me and baby. 

He doesnt drink or do drugs... .and I already tried to say I am the crazy one but no authority people believe me or will take me away to a looney bin... .I wish it was me, I could handle that.

[Enabler]

I certainly found out that "putting others first" was something I liked about the old me... I really did like that.  But... .it screwed me... .hard... in a r/s with a pwBPD.  I had to really... .I mean really... .figure out that putting my self first was not "selfish" (even if a pwBPD was claiming that).

Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh... .now that is a diamond tipped point I've been thinking a lot about recently. It was my birthday yesterday... .yay me... .and although I actually still had no idea what I wanted for my birthday... .(well I probably did but didn't think it was appropriate to be asking for a canoe given marital situation and various other daft logistical reasons)... .I enjoyed receiving gifts for the first time in years. I felt like I deserved them, and I do... .it's the money that I earnt waking up at 5am every day, doing a 1.5hr commute etc etc.

I watched The Shack last night... .this is not a film review but more to do with some points I took away. I don't want to be the judge of my wife, I don't want to deduce what her thoughts about me are based on her behaviors or even her words, I don't want to determine whether she is good or bad. I KNOW that she is a person who does what she NEEDS to do to meet her perception of survival.

[Enabler]

Angelbuds, I'm sorry that you find yourself pregnant and dealing with this, this should be a magical time for you and your H. I sounds like your H is clouding this time for you. It sounds like you've had a very hard time in the last decade but by the sounds of things your courage and determination is reaping rewards with mobility and pregnancy.

Has your H been diagnosed with BPD or is this a suspicion? It sounds like there are a lot of changes going on in your relationship, a huge change in the dynamic from him being your carer for the first 4 years (assume given your inability to walk and near death). Some people (myself included) value themselves and gain emotional security from being able to provide for their partner. You being completely dependent on him maybe gave him a huge sense of security and self worth. You are best placed to see whether your H is lacking the security, purpose and identity he once felt being your constant rescuer. How can you help him redefine himself as Significant in your life where he feels a renewed sense of purpose and security. I don't think you should encourage caretaking or rescuing as you want to be a healthy thriving independent woman contributing to the partnership in a fuller way. Codependants also have huge fears of abandonment since their identity is defined by someone else. I found the below article helpful in understanding the dynamic

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134

[Tattered Heart]

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