Trying to detach..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I believe my divorce will be finalized in the next 2-4 weeks.

I guess I must have triggered a lot of things out of my soon-to-be-ex-wife. I realize that it appears like the new guy/new fiance is perfect for her but I don't understand why she hasn't pushed him away yet? I know each person affects a BPD differently but it bothers me when I see her get engaged and they are still together. Two weeks after getting engaged to me, she broke it off, saying she deserved better, she felt like she was settling, etc. (If I remember the reasoning right.)

What gives?

I can see how she will eventually abandon or cheat on this new guy, since I know she definitely cheated on me with a "good friend" of hers at the very beginning of our relationship. People don't suddenly get better without medication or therapy. She was on some off-the-shelf brand so I know she isn't medicated. Whether she is still drinking remains to be seen but the past history from when she was 19-25 (getting bombed out at bars from what her friends said) and from 25-33 when we were 'mostly exclusive' (ha!), I highly, highly doubt it.

I guess each BPDer gets triggered at a different rate? Some it seems like an engagement/marriage or moving in together seems to trigger things? I know everytime we tried living together, within 3-6 weeks her disorder definitely kicked in everytime... .

[rosesarered777]

So I believe my divorce will be finalized in the next 2-4 weeks.

I guess I must have triggered a lot of things out of my soon-to-be-ex-wife. I realize that it appears like the new guy/new fiance is perfect for her but I don't understand why she hasn't pushed him away yet? I know each person affects a BPD differently but it bothers me when I see her get engaged and they are still together. Two weeks after getting engaged to me, she broke it off, saying she deserved better, she felt like she was settling, etc. (If I remember the reasoning right.)

What gives?

I can see how she will eventually abandon or cheat on this new guy, since I know she definitely cheated on me with a "good friend" of hers at the very beginning of our relationship. People don't suddenly get better without medication or therapy. She was on some off-the-shelf brand so I know she isn't medicated. Whether she is still drinking remains to be seen but the past history from when she was 19-25 (getting bombed out at bars from what her friends said) and from 25-33 when we were 'mostly exclusive' (ha!), I highly, highly doubt it.

I guess each BPDer gets triggered at a different rate? Some it seems like an engagement/marriage or moving in together seems to trigger things? I know everytime we tried living together, within 3-6 weeks her disorder definitely kicked in everytime... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi rosesarered777,

In trying to detach, something that cannot serve you is checking up on how your ex's new r/s is going.  If you were to find that things had bombed for her, how would that make you feel?  Would it mean you were healing faster?  I'd like to gently suggest that you let it go and remember that all relationships are different, that (if you are looking at SM) what is presented to the public eye is not a reflection of what goes on behind closed doors and that what the state of her new r/s is will ideally not be a concern long term.  Reaching indifference is all of our goal.  Only we can decide to work towards that and sometimes that means setting boundaries on ourselves.

Love and light x