tired of drama and suicide threats

[donkey2016]

Hello,
I have posted once on the conflicting board but I think I belong here at the breakup crisis board. I broke up with a man that I suspect has BPD two and half months ago. He hasn't accepted the break up and I'm also depending on him for a lot of practical things. We used to live together but one year ago I made him move to his own apartment and I have now moved further away.

I'm away on a holiday in my home country and in a few days I'm going back again. What is waiting for me is dealing with his drama and abusive behavior. I feel so stupid putting myself in a dependent situation with him. Everybody is telling me to go NC and this is also want I would like to do.

Since the break-up (or so called break up), he has threaten me many times with suicide and goes on for hours rambling how unhappy he is and how he can't go on living. The very next day - he can be pretending that nothing happened. So he seems to go through cycles with these emotions just as he did before the break up with getting angry with me and breaking up with me (or just leaving) and then the next day everything was back to normal.

What is the best way to deal with a situation like that? Any ideas... .?

d.

[allienoah]

Hello-I feel for you that the last days of your trip you are so worried about dealing with the bad stuff when you go back home. I think the idea of NC is a good one. Let him say what he wants. If I get this correctly, he doesn't live  with you anymore and you are broken up? Keep it that way if all he has for you is abuse and unpleasantness.
What practical things do you rely on him for? At what cost? Do you have friends/neighbors that might be able to help at times? He will continue these cycles, believe me. My bf breaks up with me all the time, and then calls the next day to carry on. It has been suggested to me that when he does this, to take a step back and say something like" I'm still very hurt from our last conversation, I need some time to think about this". I have done this and it definitely takes the air out of his sails.Then you get to decide how long to go without speaking and can phase into NC.

[takingandsending]

donkey2016,

If your goal is NC, what is your path for getting there? Whether you made mistakes or not in the past, how can you go forward toward the goal of NC? What is the first thing you would need to do?

And re. suicide threats, when I was a member of the staying board, and even now on the divorce/law board, the general recommendation is that if a current or former partner is threatening suicide, call for an ambulance/medical intervention. The thing is, your xbf is putting you in the favorite no win situation - if you do nothing, he may be serious; if you respond to help, you re-energize the cycle. It's not for you to determine when he means it and when he doesn't, call police or ambulance. Is that likely to piss him off? Yes. Because you are allowing him to have the consequences of his speech and actions. Will he deny that he ever mentioned killing himself? Yes. But you should not feel guilty about that. It's a boundary. You can kindly let him know that you will do the same next time because you don't want to see him come to harm.

A lot of members have been placed in this unreasonable position of trying to decipher whether their partner really intends to harm themselves or not. Again, the member experience is, bring in professionals to make that determination.

Sorry for what you are going through. You sound like your time away has helped you to gain some clarity. How do you feel?

[donkey2016]

Thank you all who responded to my concerns about suicide threat and about going NC. These were all very good advice. Yes, the time away has been good for me as I have been able to get more distance to the issues. I have many times told my ex that I'll call the police or ambulance but then I never was able to go through with it. I not sure why - maybe because I was somewhere still afraid of the consequences. I have also offered to go with him to the emergency. When I was away on the trip, then I felt almost surprise that I was so trapped and not able to make boundaries. I feel much stronger now and I also think that phasing out the relationship might be possible. Go from LC to NC. I still have feelings for him and feel very attracted to him so it's not easy.  But on the positive side, I'm happy to be back in North America, I like MY new apartment, and the area that the kids and I have moved to.
D.

[donkey2016]

Thank you allienoah and takingandsending for the explanation and link to SET. I'll try to use that.
D.