Too late

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, I honestly dont know why I am here on this site right now but I needed to go somewhere to try to understand some things and here I am...  
   Im not in a relationship with my significant other anymore and have not been for a very long time.  My x wife had BPD  and we have a son together that I also have not had a relationship with in a much too long time, I have not seen or even talked to him for about 7 years now.  The relationship with my x was one of the most extreme and chaotic things ive experienced in my entire life, she was  self harming with knifes and drugs when i met her and when angry she became very aggressive and violent towards me. I divorced her once and not too long after she got in a fight with her mother and took out a machette and threatened her mom with it and then ended up cutting superficially her own throat with it.  our son was only 9 months old when that happened and i gues when paramedics got there they literallyhad to pry my son out of her bloody arms, i guess it was pretty horrific,.  she was put ihto a mental health facility and diagnosed with BPD.  I had gotten custody of our son during all of this and it was hard to deal with at first./   her family abandoned her while she was in the mental health facility so when she got out I paid for her a weekly hotel for two months so she could try to get on her feet again.  I still loved her i just couldnt handle the violence from her anymore.   well on meds she became so much happier and we got back together and i ended up marrying her again.
      I dont blame her for all the terrible things that she did to me, i realize i allowed her to do them to me.  I have forgiven her for the pain shes caused me, and even forgiven her for the lies shes told and the legal setups she put me into that caused me trouble. . she several times dissapeared with my son and months later when id find her i would file with the courts to enforce my visitation schedule... we had shared physical and legal visitation after the 2nd divorce.
    well she finally married again and to all people a cop., i couldnt believe it... thats when it got really bad for me with her and him setting me up a couple of times with legal problems that thankfully i was able to beat in court most of the timesl
    basically the last time i tried to see my son they wouldnbt let me, so i went to get copies of my visitation orders from the courts and while i was getting my time stamped certified copies she called 911 saying i was trying to kick her door in... well cops came found me, almost arrested me, and when i eventually had my court date i was able to prove that 1 minute after she was on 911 saying i was trying to kick door in i was actually in  another town 30 minutes away at the courts getting my papers, the time stamp proved she was lying an it got thrown out but the prosecuter,  i left the courts and was met by 3 cop cars blocking my car in and 6 cops standing waiting for me, i was told that the next time i try to see my son I wouldnt walk away from it,... .it scared me... .alot...   so after all the times cops would be called on me and her being married to a cop=, i was the bad guy everytime... it got too much so i gave up seeing my son, it killed me to do it, but i didnt know what else to do... until you deal with a truly dirty cop its hard to believe they exist ... but they do...

   well i found out two days ago by being served a notice that  a hearing to remove my parental rights  was scheduled  that my x wife killed herself almost 9 months ago now, her husband (who had filed for divorce with her 3 days before she killed herself)  wanted to take away my rights.
 
  As sick as i know this makes me, I never stopped loving my x,   she literally beat the hell out of me so many times, stabbed me thru the arm with a pen, sstabbed me in the back with a screwdriver, had me arrested multiple times on fake charges, hid my son from me, cheated on me when we were together, so many things were done its unreal.  id like to say i never harmed her back but I cant because when she stabbed me my gut reaction was to spin around and stop the oain, when i did i slapped her before i realized i had... she was tiny 5 foot 100 lbs, im 6'1  185 lbs  it gave her a black eye and i hated myself for hitting her ... anyways... .thru it all i loved her still, never believed in corny crap like soulmates until the day i met her, and i do mean the day i met her.  we knew every thing about one another the ugliest and the bbest.  we both eventually admitted that we were meant to be together, but couldnt be because of the rage she had .  ive been in only two short relationships in the past 12 years without her, both of them the person i dated fell flat and didnt compare to my x wife... i know that sounds bad but how do you love someone that is nothing close to whom you really love? 
  Anyways this woman i love more than anything who i allowed to completely destroy my life and myself (irreparably i think)  is gone, she killed herself.  she didnt call me she didnt say a thing to me.  i would have done anything and i do mean anything to help her, but she didnt even call me and now i will never get to talk to her again.  she wasnt always terrible to me for all the extreme bad things she did, she also went the extrem opposite as well. she had so much love sometimes it was unreal.  but she didnt even call me for help, id rather have her hating me, hurting me, whatever and be alive than for her not to be in this world anymore. my poor son he is almost 18 now, in about 6 months , she loved him so much yet she left him and did this to him andme  and her family...   im a wreck now , i dont know any details other than what i could find on the court website, noneof her family will answer my emails asking what happened, its truly insane .  i cant believe she didnt call me for help.

[pestilent1]

Hi everyone, I honestly dont know why I am here on this site right now but I needed to go somewhere to try to understand some things and here I am...  
   Im not in a relationship with my significant other anymore and have not been for a very long time.  My x wife had BPD  and we have a son together that I also have not had a relationship with in a much too long time, I have not seen or even talked to him for about 7 years now.  The relationship with my x was one of the most extreme and chaotic things ive experienced in my entire life, she was  self harming with knifes and drugs when i met her and when angry she became very aggressive and violent towards me. I divorced her once and not too long after she got in a fight with her mother and took out a machette and threatened her mom with it and then ended up cutting superficially her own throat with it.  our son was only 9 months old when that happened and i gues when paramedics got there they literallyhad to pry my son out of her bloody arms, i guess it was pretty horrific,.  she was put ihto a mental health facility and diagnosed with BPD.  I had gotten custody of our son during all of this and it was hard to deal with at first./   her family abandoned her while she was in the mental health facility so when she got out I paid for her a weekly hotel for two months so she could try to get on her feet again.  I still loved her i just couldnt handle the violence from her anymore.   well on meds she became so much happier and we got back together and i ended up marrying her again.
      I dont blame her for all the terrible things that she did to me, i realize i allowed her to do them to me.  I have forgiven her for the pain shes caused me, and even forgiven her for the lies shes told and the legal setups she put me into that caused me trouble. . she several times dissapeared with my son and months later when id find her i would file with the courts to enforce my visitation schedule... we had shared physical and legal visitation after the 2nd divorce.
    well she finally married again and to all people a cop., i couldnt believe it... thats when it got really bad for me with her and him setting me up a couple of times with legal problems that thankfully i was able to beat in court most of the timesl
    basically the last time i tried to see my son they wouldnbt let me, so i went to get copies of my visitation orders from the courts and while i was getting my time stamped certified copies she called 911 saying i was trying to kick her door in... well cops came found me, almost arrested me, and when i eventually had my court date i was able to prove that 1 minute after she was on 911 saying i was trying to kick door in i was actually in  another town 30 minutes away at the courts getting my papers, the time stamp proved she was lying an it got thrown out but the prosecuter,  i left the courts and was met by 3 cop cars blocking my car in and 6 cops standing waiting for me, i was told that the next time i try to see my son I wouldnt walk away from it,... .it scared me... .alot...   so after all the times cops would be called on me and her being married to a cop=, i was the bad guy everytime... it got too much so i gave up seeing my son, it killed me to do it, but i didnt know what else to do... until you deal with a truly dirty cop its hard to believe they exist ... but they do...

   well i found out two days ago by being served a notice that  a hearing to remove my parental rights  was scheduled  that my x wife killed herself almost 9 months ago now, her husband (who had filed for divorce with her 3 days before she killed herself)  wanted to take away my rights.
 
  As sick as i know this makes me, I never stopped loving my x,   she literally beat the hell out of me so many times, stabbed me thru the arm with a pen, sstabbed me in the back with a screwdriver, had me arrested multiple times on fake charges, hid my son from me, cheated on me when we were together, so many things were done its unreal.  id like to say i never harmed her back but I cant because when she stabbed me my gut reaction was to spin around and stop the oain, when i did i slapped her before i realized i had... she was tiny 5 foot 100 lbs, im 6'1  185 lbs  it gave her a black eye and i hated myself for hitting her ... anyways... .thru it all i loved her still, never believed in corny crap like soulmates until the day i met her, and i do mean the day i met her.  we knew every thing about one another the ugliest and the bbest.  we both eventually admitted that we were meant to be together, but couldnt be because of the rage she had .  ive been in only two short relationships in the past 12 years without her, both of them the person i dated fell flat and didnt compare to my x wife... i know that sounds bad but how do you love someone that is nothing close to whom you really love? 
  Anyways this woman i love more than anything who i allowed to completely destroy my life and myself (irreparably i think)  is gone, she killed herself.  she didnt call me she didnt say a thing to me.  i would have done anything and i do mean anything to help her, but she didnt even call me and now i will never get to talk to her again.  she wasnt always terrible to me for all the extreme bad things she did, she also went the extrem opposite as well. she had so much love sometimes it was unreal.  but she didnt even call me for help, id rather have her hating me, hurting me, whatever and be alive than for her not to be in this world anymore. my poor son he is almost 18 now, in about 6 months , she loved him so much yet she left him and did this to him andme  and her family...   im a wreck now , i dont know any details other than what i could find on the court website, noneof her family will answer my emails asking what happened, its truly insane .  i cant believe she didnt call me for help.

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear friend -
I am deeply sorry for your pain, grief and confusion.  You have most definitely come to the right place.  I'm writing a longer response to you right now, but I wanted to send you a quick response to let you know that I'm here, I'm listening and my heart breaks with you.

You are NOT alone.  I am still writing to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-
Oh my... .what deep sadness you must feel.  For yourself, for your son and for your wife.  Please don't feel shame over still loving her, even after the things that happened.  Many people in our community continue loving our BPD people after some pretty unforgivable behavior.  It is what it is... .we cannot choose who we love, can we?  But we can use some of the tools here to detach, and as you move through your mourning, you may want to work on some of that so you can open up yourself to loving again.

You understand that BPD is a serious mental illness, and if she wasn't diligently working on improving her behavior, she just wasn't going to get better.  And from the sound of things, once she married the cop, what he did was feed into lies, and lied himself to get what he wanted around your child.  That's Pretty disturbing.

There is so much that you won't know... .like whether or not she was "free" to reach out to you.  She may have been in a very controlling marriage, where all calls were monitored.  You just don't know, so the fact that she didn't reach out when she felt helpless and took her life, there just won't be answers.  That's the heartbreaking part.  She also may have been just so dysregulated for so long that she couldn't live with herself; or it was a momentary thing, and if only she had let the moment pass... .if only... .things we'll ever know when we lose someone like that.  It's unfortunately a wound that you'll have, but you are NOT responsible for - you need to understand that.  You played no role in the end of her life.  Or in the choices she made or didn't make to help with her illness.

You are only responsible for your own choices.  You are NOT responsible for the choices that another adult makes.  Please don't take that on.  She and her second husband made it impossible for you to see, let alone have a relationship with your son.  That was NOT your doing.  You tried everything you could to maintain contact with your son.  I sincerely hope I am not making you any more sad than you already are... .that is NOT my intention.

And something strikes me as a bit odd.  Your son will turn 18 in six months.  Why NOW are you being asked to terminate your parental rights?  Who is asking for this, your son or the cop?  May I suggest that you contact an attorney to help you navigate this process?  It seems unnecessary to terminate parental rights for a person who is about to become an adult, unless it is strictly for the purpose of paying for health insurance or higher education.  And if that is the case, I would think the paperwork would include some sort of letter explaining the motivation behind the request.  After all, you were strong-armed and threatened to stop contacting your child.  You are likely owed an apology by this guy.  Although I do have to say, we don't know what kind of lies she may have told him about you.  We know that BPDs are prone to speaking "untruths" and you mentioned that she did have a history of lies, so who knows why he acted in such an awful manner about visitation.   Is contacting an attorney something you would be willing to consider?

I am hoping that this dirty cop will see clear to "allow" you to rekindle a relationship with your son.  It would be so nice for your son to understand how much you love and have missed him.  And it would be beneficial for him to hear from you that his mom had an illness, that she would not intentionally leave him if she felt she had an alternative.  My dear friend, she just couldn't see her way to stay.  That's the truly sad part.  Her illness likely overcame her.  And since you hadn't seen her in years, who knows how she had been functioning during that time... .

I do believe in my heart of hearts, based on how you expressed yourself here, that she always knew how deeply you loved her.  But for whatever reasons, she just couldn't reach out.

I am so sorry.  It's very important for you to go through your period of mourning.  Any of us who have lost someone to suicide don't ever understand WHY our person didn't call us just one more time.  Why they couldn't just let THIS moment pass... .But they couldn't.  She didn't do it to you.  My guess is She just couldn't stay.  For whatever reasons... .

There are some tools I use to speak with my dad, who is gone.  He is the only person I care to speak with who's on "the other side", and it usually works.  If you're interested, let me know.  In the meantime, please take good care of yourself, and try to allow yourself the knowledge that you did love her and gave her the best that you could.  I apologize for the rambling nature of my response.

A loving hug to you,
Gemsforeyes

[pestilent1]

Gemforeyes,
     Thank you for the reply it was long and thought out and i really appreciate that.  I cannot believe how correct you are in so many things that you said, seems like maybe you truly do understand how things were.  yes you are correct about the lies, I dont know what her husband has been told, but what always made me shake my head was how her family was about her. Her mom once told me that she had been violent since she was 2years old. All of her family knew exactly how she was and she had made her rounds living with each of them until they had enough and would throw her out, yet when it came down to it, they would all of a sudden believe the things sshe told them and they did everything in their power to get my son away from me and get her custody back.  Im not perfect, not even close, but I was a good father to my son. His mom was having alot of problems the first couple years of his life and missed his first birthday, christmas, first time he sat up, stood, first words... .she missed alot.  not from me keeping him from her but she just never showed up.  I literally would call her and basically force her to come get him for her visitation... opposite of what is almost "normal" where its the dad not showing up...   because she was out of the picture so much his first couple of years my son bonded closer to me than he did to her... That really tore her up and made things hard because when she would come to get him for her visitation, he would kick scream cry trying to get away from her. which made her feel worse and less likely to show up next time...   My son witnessed alot of really bad things because i chose to stay with her so long, for that reason alone i should have left her, but i didnt...   Thankfully, well  at least up till i saw him last he turned out to be such a happy good kid. 
    my mom died not too long after the whole incident thing with the threats from the cops, she really wanted to see him and it was sad she didnt get to before she passed, she had lung cancer that spread to her bones and brain.  i took care of her the last 3 years of her life and up till the day she died.  she got to stay home at least for her last days,. i was a cna for a few years before so it worked for me to take care of her.  Her dying at least i knew was coming, we talked about it, made our peace, had closure i guess you could say, and to be honest it still tore me up for quite a long time.  The hardest part is when i realize that i will never ever get to talk to her again... now that my x had killed herself its worse, im in a state of shock i think because i keep asking her why didnt she talk to me whydid she do it.  its like im detaching from reality for a second and then violently snapped back to reality when i realize i will never find out why.  This is going to be a hard one for me to come to terms with.  I was ok knowing we would never be a couple again, that she would continue to treat me as if she hated me for the rest of who knows how long, but now thats all over, and i dont know if i am ok with that,  how sick is it that i want her here hating me and im ok with that, yet her being gone is not acceptable... Im a mess,  my friends all say that i should be hate her and be glad she did it, im mad at her for doing it, and it makes me wonder what the heck how  could she do this to our son, but i dont even know enough of what she did or how she did it... my guess is saying she cut her arms again, only more so than she thought, that her intentions werent to kill herself,... .once she cut her arm really bad and they had to do surgery and reattach ligaments and such, it was a scar from elbow to wrist basically... why i think this wasnt her plans i dont know, i dont know if theres a suicide note, nothing... not even where she is buried which is another thing that is really hard because i want to go say goodbye to herand cant.   
alright i gotta stop and get mymind somewhere else for awhile.  lool  youre message didnt upset me even a little bit... .but mine does... .oh i dont blame myself for what she did, I blame everyone else ;-)

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-
I responded to your message, so please look for that response when you're up to it.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pestilent1]

I read your reply and again you surprise me with how well you assessed the situation, its strange because for all these years ive learned not to talk about her to my friends and family because they just dont/didnt understand how I could not hate her and why I would defend her when it came down to it.  Alot of my family disowned me when I remarried her and I can understand why they felt that way because when i came battered bruised and heart hurting they mostly saw that, not often we call up family and say how great our partners were to us today, they just get the calls when things are going bad.  
    I guess I just have to take this as it comes daily now, My court date isnt scheduled until the middle of next month so it will be awhile until i can even find out anything, that is if its even xx, why didnt you call me" a few times today.  Ive been keeping myself busy so i dont think to much about it because how am i going to figure out why she did it, if I dont even know exactly what happened.  I am mad at her for doing it, ive forgave her for all the other from our past a long time ago although maybe not as much as i like to think, because for years now ive practiced not allowing myself to think about what all shes done to keep my son out of my life.  I dont let friends talk about my son and although every single day i think about him and wonder, I dont let myself get too far into it because well that goes unsaid... .i know this is wrong but i just really feel bad for her, because honestly i thought that she was doing better, that she was happy with this guy and her life, but i now know i was wrong, she was still suffering probably all this time.  for a long while after they got together her and I would talk and she told me one time that he is like a human quaalude to her and that she never even once has raised her voice to him.  I found comfort in that but now i wonder if she was just shining me on now like she had always done to everyone else.  she told me when she had cheated on him, and of course she would now and then try to steer things for us to get together in that moment, but other than a kiss now and then , i wouldnt let it go  anywhere because to be on that end of the relationship was something i didnt want to do because it would have taken away from what we had before all that.    im really messed up ... in all honesty, i knew that we would never be getting back together (not in this lifetime anyways) but in my head I thought, no actually knew that in the end I would be there holding her hand to see her go.   I dont know why i guess because we talked about that even after she married this guy, im not saying we would be a couple or anything, just that in the end i would still be there for her irregardless that our paths went differnt ways.  Not only was i not there holding her hand, i didnt even know she had killed herself and was gone until 11 months later.   I thought i would know but I didnt.
    

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-
You've said so much in this last post that I really need to read it over and over so I can properly respond.  There's so much in there, and I am very emotional about it so I'm going to take a little time, but I'm here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-

I don't know how to respond in any order, so I'm just going to respond from my heart.  This is all so painful, I can actually feel it and have cried over what you're going through and what you've written.

I understand that a lot of this pain is so deep that you haven't wanted to discuss it with anyone over the years -especially around your son.  Not to sound cliche, but it seems now may be a good time to consider talking to a therapist to build your strength a bit.  To talk about the loss of M and how you feel about your son.  I also feel that if you have a good, close circle of friends NOW is the time to pull them toward you.  They will understand you if you allow them to do that.

A very sad thing is, you're going to have to find a peaceful way to accept that you won't know what was in her mind when she checked out.  And you won't know what happened in her life during the years leading up to that day.  You did know her well enough to know that her illness did not allow her to remain stable for long periods.   And it didn't allow her to remain faithful to a marriage.  It is extremely admirable that you were able to step outside yourself and preserve the meaning of your past vows when she was trying to be intimate after she had remarried.  It's important for you to count on your strength. 

It's important for you to remember that M DID know you loved her.   Things we don't know are whether she continued to self-harm after contact was cut, whether she continued with suicide ideation, or anything at all about the workings inside her marriage.

I think that after M kept you from your son, and the lies she told around that bad action, she MAY have felt she really severed her tie with you.  That even after all the other terrible things she had done before, that you HAD forgiven, this was the one unforgivable thing in her mind.   You didn't have contact after that, did you?

I could be way off base, but Somewhere in me this is what I feel... .I feel that M knew all you had done for her.  I feel M knew all you had GIVEN and forgiven.  I feel that M believed she had caused you enough pain.  So much time had passed since she spoke to you, and there was too much for her to apologize for - how do you apologize for that?  I feel she knew she wanted to take her life.  And if she spoke to you and THEN did it, she knew you would blame yourself.  She could NOT let that happen.  This is what I truly feel.

Hugs to you,
Gemsforeyes

[pestilent1]

Gemforeyes,
     I can understand you not being able to respond to my messages in any type of order, probably because I am so all over the place with how I write.  Ive had many people over the years tell me that how I write makes no sense.  I guess its because I dont think about what im going to say, I dont know where im going with what im going to type, its certainly not thought out.  I guess I type whatever comes to my to my mind as im typing, usually its  my mind going a million miles an hour, and my fingers trying to keep up. I lose more thoughts that i wanted to write than i end up actually writing and yet my posts are still stupidly long and often repetitive.  I hurry so much to try to keep up with my thoughts i dont care about grammar, or spelling I just go.  My fingers arent as fast as my mind says they are... .
        My ex wifes sister answered my message to her today, I didnt think she would, but today I decided to send her a second message asking her once again if she could please tell me what happened and told her i wouldnt send any more messages asking if she again didnt answer this one,  She told me that yes in fact m did kill herself, and that no she did not leave any note or any forwarning to anyone she was going to do it,.  she didnt say if it seemed as if it was just more of the self harming (cutting) she did that may have went too far or anything specific at all... I really want it to be that, somehow I can accept that as an answer alot easier than thinking she intentionally killed herself.  
     As far as her cutting goes,  when i first met her she had a couple of healing cuts on her left arm, i noticed them the first day we met and i wasnt shy to ask what they were about.  like i said i felt i knew her instantly and we spent the first 18 hours we met just talking.  she told me why  she did it and told me it was something she regretted doing and its not an issue.  I soon learned that she was also abusing her thyroid medication on a pro level, lots of people say you can abuse thyroid medicine, but you can, you dont get any immediate affect doing so, but long term you can... she was only 5'1" tall maybe 100-105 lbs but very strong, she had no body fat a 6 pack and very cut like someone who lifts weights ( she worked in nursing homes at time i met her, lots of lifting )  she also would take laxatives like they were candy.  I was in school to become a paramedic, and i was totallyagainst the abuse of drugs and told her it had to stop if we were to be ttogether, to my surprize she gave me her levothyroxine and allowed me to give her one each day to take away any temptation,  wow i ramble on... .sorry anyways she did cut herself now and then when we would argue.  it wasnt often and once we moved out of state it had all but stopped not once the whole time she was pregnant did she do it.  so where i was going with this is after i divorced her the first time she started cutting again pretty bad, she got with some guy for a minute and ended up biting his ear off,  she called me when she had done that asking me to come pick her up, I did and she had me drive her to the hospital, on the way to hospital she started hitting herself in the face,i stopped her and she explained she had to do it because the cops were looking for her and she had to be able to say she did that to the guy in self defense,. i dropped her off at hospital, and i didnt say anything about it when the cop asked me if i knew anything,. i just said i gave her a ride thats all i knew... .I helped her to screw this guy over to protect herself,  so no, im not perfect, far from, and that guilt, helping her to do to him what she had done to me is something i have not forgivven myself for doing and dont think i ever will.  anyways stay on track... .after that guy was another, that didnt take her hitting him and strangled her almost dead when she tried, after that her cutting got very bad, because one day i saw her not wearing long sleeves and her left arm had more scars than regular skin, it was a horrible thing to see, not for the scars but because i saw each of those scars as the torment she lived with in her hear, the pain she didnt know how to let go of.  when she married the cop i dont know where it went from there,  i cant imagine him putting up with it, but we didnt see each other as much after him,  i dont think he allowed her to or wanted her to very much... just dont know... i know her family covered for her about her past, didnt say anything about her BPD diagnosis or her mental health holds... but neither did I , i only talked to him a couple three or four times and from those times i knew that she was telling this guy stories so much he had no clue what was really going on with her.  
    I dont know that m did know all i had forgiven and given for her, i still now to this day wonder if M started believing the stories she told others over what in fact transpired, if she didnt know what reality was the truth,,  the very last time i ever had any conversation with her was online, one day i got an email from google + saying that m had joined my circle.  now im not big on social media, in fact never used google + to talk to anyone before, but when i got that email i got on google + and sent her a message saying something like "look what the cat dragged in, I was hoping to one day hear from you, we really need to talk"   well next day she messaged me back saying what do you want to talk about,, i told her about our son, my visitation, what happened at the court house... .she then was online live with me and it didnt go the way i thought it was going to.  she told me that she had nothing to talk to me about and why did i message her... .i said she got ahold of me and i responded... now i dont understand still google + if like facebook it sends out friend requests on its own or what, but i explained to her how it showed she joined my circle and i took that as her reaching out to me,... .it was at that time i noticed her husbands name was also in the chat "room"? although he hadnt spoken... .she said she came across my profile and looked at it, but that was it and said i was lying,  so i took a screen shot of the email saying she joined my circle and said i was not lying... she then told me if i contact her again she will pursue legal actions... at this point i just told her that i felt sorry for her and i wish she didnt have to live so many lives to try to feel ok about herself... .that was the very last thing i ever said to her,, this was in may of 2016 so not but three months before she killed herself.  thats hard to deal with, why couldnt it of been one of the thousands of other times when i said something nice to her be the last thing i told her.

    being with her and dealing with her changed me so much, i remember who i used to be, but as much as i may like to, i dont even know who that person i was is now, i lost myself a long time ago.  I am happy with who i am now today though, maybe at the moment im torn over her killing herself,  but for themost part im ok .  one thing that changed about me though is im a little short tempered now, and more apt to respond when someone gets confrontational with me now.  in my entire life ive been in maybe 4 physical fights (not talking about when she would beat the crap out of me, im talking where i actually fought back as well)  and 4 of those fights were a year or so after it was over for her and i .  i dont understand fighting, i dont understand how hurting someone can prove youre right about something or whatever.  the mentality of it makes no sense to me.  but that said, i am not taking things like i used to, i dont let as much just roll by me... i think i learned that from her...
   ok lastly about me going to counseling, , when i was 15 years old i was with a girl that i really liked alot, she broke up with me and it was my first heart break... well about ayear later i saw her at a party, i was pretty drunk and she took me into the back room we fooled around awhile then she told me she did it just to see if id remember it in the am.  she was my first girlfriend, and it devastated me, i was drunk and upset and i went to the store and bought some straight razors (told you i understand the cutting... although i did it once that night and only that time)  and i cut my arms on my biceps deep enough that 32 years later i still have two scars about half inch wide and 4 inches long. well my friends saw blood dripping from my jean jacket, and next day i found myself at a institutin for troubled kids.,... they did all sorts of mental health tests and told my mom that i was suiciddal and without help i wouldnt live to see 18, they lied to my mom about what my answers were to little scenario pics making it sound like i saw such bad things in the pics,. this place was bad , i saw kids abused in ways that today still pissed me off.  i pretended to be someone i wasnt while there, normally i was very shy, not in there though, i had a thing with all the girls, (even though no touching, not even hugging was allowed)  we had a dance there and they dedicated the song "im just a gigelo" to me,,  i made it a thing to get to the shrinks that had lied about me, i would be able to get them so mad during group therapy that once he got so mad he got up and came over and almost hit me, i won in my mind.,. only reason i got out was my grandpa was dying and my mom against their advice took me out.,. they told her it was agrave mistake... and all that .   so obviously i survived leaving there,  I was never suicidal, not even a little bit, i was just a inexperienced shy introverted kid, that didnt know how to express my hurt or feelings in a positive way. I didnt have a male role model growing up, i didnt know how a guy was supposed to act.  at first after leaving i wanted to go back, it was scary the change, but that passsed quickly.  im telling you that placed messed up more kids than youcould imagine. i saw with my own eyes horriblethings done to kids, ever since then i dont much care for counselors or therapists because in all my life ive yet to witness anyone beiing as mean and hurtful as they were.   yes i know not all are like that, its just my block i guess... .anyways i bet i ramble on more than anyone any of you have ever met...   I dont know how i allowed myself to get this deep over my x and why i let her destroy so much of myself before getting out, but i did.  im happy though for the most part with my life so long as i dont let myself think too much about my son.  this suicide has rehashed alot of feelings that ive kept inside a long time and last few days ive been stuck alot just thinking about the past.  i know i wont get the answers i want, and that as much as i feel like i need to know for M's sake, its actually for my own sake, shes gone, anything i do or feel isnt for her its for me.  I still have not heard from my son, i sent him an email yesterday to his facebook we found, i thought about what i was going to say though first beforehand unlike i do on here... thank god ... i told him that i am so sorry that he has lost his mom, and that i want to talk to him and get to know each other again, and that  i dont want to take him away from his life, or talk bad about his mom or about T., that i understand he loves T. , and am glad for that and that the more people in his life he loves and has love him back is a good thing and i wont ever take that from him,,, i just asked hiim to give it a chance, to give me a chance that we are blood, and he may not remember much now, that once we start talking and see each other he will remember more ,, i told him i have so many pictures of him with hismom  when he  was little i want hhim to have and just basically told him i have a life i want to share with him and to teach him and things to learn from him as well.   i hope i hear back from him.,.im no longer afraid of T. or his friends,  you have to be afraid of losing something for fear to have any strength... im not afraid anymore... wth do i got to lose now> ?

[heartandwhole]

Hi pestilent1,



I'm so sorry to hear of your ex-wife's suicide. That is so very hard to go through. My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your son and extended family.    I'm glad you reached out for support. At times like these, it's so important to know that people care and that you are not alone.

i just asked hiim to give it a chance, to give me a chance that we are blood, and he may not remember much now, that once we start talking and see each other he will remember more ,, i told him i have so many pictures of him with hismom  when he  was little i want hhim to have and just basically told him i have a life i want to share with him and to teach him and things to learn from him as well.

That took courage to reach out to your son after so much time apart. I hope you will get the chance to spend some time with him, and build a relationship again.

What is your legal strategy for the parental rights case? As  Gemsforeyes mentions, your son is turning 18 soon, so he will be an adult. What are the laws in your state?

heartandwhole



 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-

You know M suffered with her illness for a long time... .until for whatever reasons, she just couldn't any more.  You dug in with her and tried your best to help her.  Please forgive the last sentence and remember those thousands of kind words you said to her. 

I honor you for reaching out to your son.  With all my heart, I pray that he responds positively to you.  Please keep in mind, even if he doesn't respond now, he may respond once he turns 18 in six months.  Have you gotten an attorney to assist you in the case?  I'm just wondering what the motivation is behind this case to begin with?

Finally, please please don't worry about not writing in any order.  Our emotions are NOT linear!  And I understand the words just flying out of your fingertips.
I have more to say, but It's really late and I need to go to sleep before I completely stop making sense.

Take good care.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pestilent1]

heartandwhole,

     I have only briefly looked into the laws, but briefly was enough to see that it will be a struggle that may not end the way that i would like it to, but im still going to try because there is some extenuating circumstances that may help.  I looked up the case files i could find and found a little activity that they had filed, first they tried to change his name but was closed because lack of service, then they tried to change his name again but this time i was listed as one of the petitioners as well as my wife... that case was also closed no reason given.  I didnt petition for that so they tried to make it look like i wanted it too.  It can be considered abandonment my being gone, but I am hoping i can show the multiple cases where she dissapeared and i had to have the courts enforce the orders,,and the minutes from the final time when the judge said she would take custody away from us both if we come before her again over this should maybe help a little as to what happened.  i was the only one there for our son for his first two years. i encouraged her to be  a part of his life all the time, we had shared physical and sharedlegal custody of him and supposed to be 50 % time with me and 50 her... when i started working a job where i was out of town alot the first year and only saw him on weekends i on my own started paying her child support and gave her a bank card with an acct set up thru my work having 25% of my checks automatically deposited into the acct so she could take care of our son.  that didnt work out so well because she has a gambling problem and she ended up emptying the acct and then made several fake deposits with no money and then withdrew on those deposits causing loss prevention to put a hold on my acct.  i ended up getting fired for it because the accts was for employees and my expenses were also attached to that acct.  i filed charges against her in my home town, they originally  charged her with two felonies, but ended up transferring it to the county she did the frauds and where she lived,  the cases dissapeared from there, a perk of being married to a cop i imagine... so theres records of alot of things shes done,  police reports of the abuse, reports where she fought the cops, really a bunch of crap that doesnt really matter anymore, but i hope to be able to show the courts that i did try to see my son, but was put into a situation where i was blocked and for fear of losing custody thru the judges remarks and thru the threat from him after the court date where i was set up for bogus attempted home invasion (when she called 911 saying i was beating in her door)  i have the letter from the prosecuter still stating why it was dismissed and the proof  it was a lie from them...    i dont want to rehash this all again in court  but im not willing to let them (him Now only) to take any more of my  son away from me, maybe to some i dont deserve my son  for not seeing him so long, but to me for them to legally say he has no relationship to me anymore is not ok,  they cant take that too... i will never get the time i lost with my son back, but i can keep all that he will allow me from now on,  its funny how i have no fear now that shes gone. thanks for the message i do appreciate it alot,, 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pestilent1-
I wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing.  I don't know whether you've been reading the boards lately or not.  I just want to offer you support if you need or want that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Winkshine80]

I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. If you are well enough you should try to get custody of your son and give him the best life you can. Don't sign away your rights. he  will want to be with his biological father and he will thank you someday. I wish you the best of luck.