More insight into myself

[roberto516]

Some of you might know from my posts on the detaching board that I am in the mental health field. I decided to continue turning inward as, no matter what we might think, the odds of all our thought patterns and behaviors are developed in the family of origin. I am already aware that I became my mother's caretaker as an adolescent when I began to help her clean the house and we'd go out shopping or browsing the bookstore. But I began to read "The Family Crucible" and i realize it doesn't begin there.

My role as rescuer was not just for my mom. It was for my whole family. To see mom and dad so emotionally distant from one another and to see mom arguing and pleading with my silent father for understanding or help. Also, around that time my oldest brother (I'm the youngest of 3 boys) went to college and fell into drugs and drinking. His girlfriend from high school broke up with him too and he really went off the deep end. I know now he was at a psych hospital for a couple times but no one told me that when I was younger. A few years later my middle brother began to drink and do drugs and his relationship ended which started him on the same pattern.

I was not just trying to rescue my mom. I was trying to rescue my family. I was also my dad's best buddy. I'm sure I pursued and graduated undergrad partly because both my brothers didn't. I'm sure I tried to be both of my parents friends by going to do things they liked as a way to keep the family together. This is where the fear of abandonment really grew for me. I subconsciously thought that if I participated in sports that my dad suggested to me and worked really hard at them I'd gain his trust and affection. I thought if I became my mom's buddy then I would keep her happy.

All my effort was subconsciously directed at saving the family. Even post grad schooling. And, as I was never foolish about, my desire to be in the helping field was all based off this childhood desire to save people because it was the only way I knew how to save myself. That left little time really for me. After my first BPD relationship I began to take care of myself but was always spurred on by becoming a "success" for the family. There isn't much social success in the family with my brothers. So I took it upon myself.

It's why when I find a partner in need who tells me how they are so lucky and have found "the one" I am drawn like a moth to a flame. Even before they tell me that stuff. Their simple fact of being in need and craving my sacrifice plays right into me wanting to save my family.

Just thought I'd share all of this. Through the pain I have been forced to make a choice. Either numb it with hobbies, interests, distractions or dig deep. I'm digging and won't stop until I gain as good of an idea of who I really am. Thanks for reading.

Oh and I just gained more insight . After the first BPD relationship I became more independent. I take solo hiking trips far away spending a week by myself. Next summer I'm planning a 2 week road trip across the country by myself. I literally could move across the country tomorrow and be okay with it. I used to think it was my independent nature but I'm sure a part of all this is a reaction formation of resentment against my family. I probably deep down don't want to rescue them and I want to distance myself from them. I probably thought a loving relationship with a girlfriend would do that for me. This last point has me intrigued and I'll bring it to my therapist tomorrow.

[Turkish]

My T told me that there's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer, admitting that he was one,  too.  He grew up in an alcoholic family,  his father. I think we know when it gets us into trouble; we ended up here after all.  A senior member, long moved on,  once told me something another senior member told her: "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible." What do you think?

[roberto516]

My T told me that there's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer, admitting that he was one,  too.  He grew up in an alcoholic family,  his father. I think we know when it gets us into trouble; we ended up here after all.  A senior member, long moved on,  once told me something another senior member told her: "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible." What do you think?

Absolutely. To take it a step further, as it relates to me, I found it is easy to fix problems with another object/hobby as well. Case in point, in between BPD relationships I occupied my time with work, hobbies, friends, etc. I never looked inside of myself for why I did what I did/how I felt/ etc. All these insights are invaluable for me to not just learn about myself for another relationship (I honestly don't want one... .if ever) but to help me actually figure out what I am doing and who I am as a human being.

[Herodias]

Good for you Roberto, I think you are on the right track. My nephew is in the Air Force and I am watching him flourish being away for the family dynamics. He just went skydiving last weekend! He travels all over different countries by himself and I am so impressed. I wish it was a bit as easy for women to do, but I think I would be a bit afraid to do so alone. I am working on getting my guts up though. I like your thoughts on distracting yourself with hobbies and interests... .for me they are not as fulfilling as figuring out the whole dynamics of my past. I have figured out my family background is quite a mess and there is nothing we can do to change that. Currently it is still a mess and I am trying to distance myself. I have guilt, my Mom uses it, because she never did anything to take care of herself. She keeps trying to get me to take care of her and I am unable to do it for her. She may be BPD herself for all I know. I am such a loner, because the few friends I have left are unable to live the way I want to live. Lack of funds or having children when I do not have the same situation. I feel very much alone and I can't seem to find the right group of people to be with. I am trying to do little things each day to build myself up. I think we need to rescue ourselves and go from there. Maybe we will not feel the need to rescue others that really need to rescue themselves as well. It makes me feel kind of cold, but I am trying to find peace. I am leaving behind people that I just do not enjoy being around any more. It is not leaving many left sadly. Good luck in your search for the meaning of life... .or your life as you see it. My Father is an alcoholic and now my Mother is one too... .it is so depressing to watch. My Mom is getting dementia at 71 from it. She will not stop. There is nothing we can do. It makes me cry to think she is so unhappy, but she sees life in the "glass half full" light and I want to believe there is more for me in the future. I can't believe I have lived such a painful life for nothing. I hope I have some kind of happy ending... .I know we all deserve it after what we went through. It is just a matter of figuring it all out. It bothers me that so many of us are afraid to have another relationship in the future. I have heard so many men say they don't feel they are a good judge of character. I don't feel like dating right now either, but I would like to have one someday.

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, roberto. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to rescue the family, and the older brother with problems.

Absolutely. To take it a step further, as it relates to me, I found it is easy to fix problems with another object/hobby as well. Case in point, in between BPD relationships I occupied my time with work, hobbies, friends, etc. I never looked inside of myself for why I did what I did/how I felt/ etc.

I think this is spot on. That's why I often encourage, and try to practice myself, feeling more than doing in the aftermath of a breakup with someone with BPD. I think it's human nature, especially in some cultures more than others, to want to distract ourselves from the hurt, but the hurt also has so much to teach us. It can help us.

That said, I do think sometimes taking action is a good remedy when we feel in a rut, down, stuck, etc. It can get our focus onto something else and help us move in a different direction. I've tended to move—like to a different country   — to shake myself up. That could just be another way, however, to avoid dealing with my feelings. I'm still learning.

heartandwhole