Hit with a wave of real depression this morning

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I woke up not feeling all that great anyway. But then my boss mentioned her when speaking to someone else as "the former worker who's name we will not mention." Since that happened about an hour ago I have slumped in my mood tremendously. I have no idea why this continues to happen. I also work with couples at one of my jobs and yesterday spoke to a couple that is making a real commitment to working on their troubles. Perhaps that has played a part as I naturally began to think "Why couldn't my relationship have been like that?" Which could naturally lead me to the regretful thinking that as I gain more insight I begin to think "If only I had known this or that or this or that."

Just needed to process this. If I dig deeper I see myself knowing that the sadness is from a loss I experienced and the sadness that it will never be again per my expectations. I just have to keep riding this wave. And maybe I just need to accept that she is alive and unless I move jobs one day I will continue to hear about her through stories or about the company she works for now. Maybe this happens because I am doing my best to put the blinders on and pretend she doesn't exist versus accepting this and learning to accept that it is what it is?

Thoughts, feedback, relatability would be appreciated. I''m at 31 days NC. I know I need to move on for myself and it has been okay. I guess this is one of those dark periods on the seas that will come and go with time.

[roberto516]

I woke up not feeling all that great anyway. But then my boss mentioned her when speaking to someone else as "the former worker who's name we will not mention." Since that happened about an hour ago I have slumped in my mood tremendously. I have no idea why this continues to happen. I also work with couples at one of my jobs and yesterday spoke to a couple that is making a real commitment to working on their troubles. Perhaps that has played a part as I naturally began to think "Why couldn't my relationship have been like that?" Which could naturally lead me to the regretful thinking that as I gain more insight I begin to think "If only I had known this or that or this or that."

Just needed to process this. If I dig deeper I see myself knowing that the sadness is from a loss I experienced and the sadness that it will never be again per my expectations. I just have to keep riding this wave. And maybe I just need to accept that she is alive and unless I move jobs one day I will continue to hear about her through stories or about the company she works for now. Maybe this happens because I am doing my best to put the blinders on and pretend she doesn't exist versus accepting this and learning to accept that it is what it is?

Thoughts, feedback, relatability would be appreciated. I''m at 31 days NC. I know I need to move on for myself and it has been okay. I guess this is one of those dark periods on the seas that will come and go with time.

[Emotions]

This too shall pass brother, ride the waves and remember that the depression will lift... .you were triggered and have to deal with it... .use this experience to get stronger and training for the ability to control your thoughts and emotions... .one day it won't even bother you, and you will be that much closer to knowledge of self... .if you want some good comedy watch some jimcarrey sketches of in living color on you tube... .PEACE and strength be with you

[Idsrvt2]

I'm sorry you woke up that way as well.  It must be really difficult to keep hearing about your x because it's not like youre choosing to talk about her. You're just hearing about her from others and it's a constant trigger  as you know I can relate  I can't even look at a postal truck or worker
I woke up this morning sad as well with a vision he came to me and told me he has BPD and it was his illness and not me.  
I was reminded that he never would talk about things if I texted I was upset... It would result in me being dumped.  Not a normal reaction.  Or I was told that he told me he was going thru a rough time and still I texted, well he kept bringing up his sister thought we shouldn't be together and I would hurt him.
I'm as this morning but I've come to the conclusion that despite all the nasty things I said I deserved more care as I too have health issues and stuff going on.  
It's tough to hear others making it work when our x could not or would not... .They just are not capable.   I follow a guy on social media something I do to forget about all this well the other day he is glowing he's involved with a transgender and is sticking by him no matter what... .Now I cant watch him anymore because I really did try but I didn't know he had BPD... He came to me and said he thought he had split personality disorder.  I never would have given up on him he had to get cops and courts involved

I just wanted to post and share a bit of what I'm dealingvwith just so you know you're not alone.
I would have to move out of state to avoid my x too and it's tough having him right outside my door and pretending like I never knew him... Can't even say hello or ask how he has been.   Can't even know I'd he ever got diagnosed.
Can you take time off work and get away for awhile?  I think that's what I'm going to do to just get away from him always being around

We are doing the beat as can do given our situations and I would not wish this on anyone

[roberto516]

Can you take time off work and get away for awhile?  I think that's what I'm going to do to just get away from him always being around

We are doing the beat as can do given our situations and I would not wish this on anyone

That's the real hard thing. Work is the only place I feel somewhat better. The weekends are a killer no matter how much I do to occupy myself. I fear that if I stayed home on a weekday or went somewhere and had free time I don't think I'm emotionally able to embrace and accept that for such a long duration of time right now. I can do it for a little bit at a time but longer durations are hard to bear. It's so funny. I might be the only human on this earth who dreads the weekend and looks forward to going to work .

I have been applying to jobs out of state. Actually, pending a comparable salary, I might take a job in Maine which is where I have always wanted to live. It would mean uprooting myself and moving over 600 miles away but I wouldn't dismiss it off hand if the money was enough to live off of.

I'm also doing my best to process it all and I think that a large part of it is those feelings that creep up where I can't understand how she is doing so well and is able to just move on from a relationship when she isn't happy anymore. It makes her sound so mature and level-headed. Deep down I know why she left. Her needs weren't being met (me caretaking) and she was asked for once to do something different (her caretake through my depression). The more I piece it together her previous ex and her broke up when he went on medical leave for a Lyme's disease flare up. I wonder if he felt the same I did because I don't think she actively tried to emotionally support him through that.

We literally shifted roles. I didn't need a partner when we began to date and she did. I didn't need validation from her and she did. etc, etc. Now I want her as a partner and she doesn't. Now I would love validation from her and she doesn't. How she would always beg me "Please don't leave me." and it took all of my fiber to look at her crying and sad and think "No you can't leave her just because you're angry." and then just one day she decides "Welp, that's it. See ya. But oh wait, for a little bit later after the breakup if I need your emotional support I'm going to reach out because I know you'll give it to me but once I get what I need I'm gonna distance myself again."

Just needed to vent this all out. I know this is a learning opportunity but if I don't talk about these emotions I might do something really dumb and break NC in an attempt to soothe my emotions in an unhealthy way which will make me feel even worse about myself. Just sadness and a tinge of heartbreak which has resurfaced the past couple days.

[Emotions]

The toughest part of it all is the idea that my ex might actually be better off without me... .or the next guy is "better than me"... .he may in fact be better for my ex and they may have a "better" relationship than the one we had... .this seems like a battle with my ego, because ego will tell me that I'm the one who deserves all the praise, and I was the best for my ex... .However that is all speculation... .one will never know... .What I do know is that I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and I'm not going to worry about if this or if that... .what I am in control of is what I do with the time left on this earth... .Although I would love to think EVERY woman would choose me over the next guy, I have learned this isn't the case... .so what am I gonna do about it... .I'm gonna do things each day to impress myself about myself, and little by little I like myself again... .don't sell your souls, and gather the energy and strength you have, and use it wisely because life is short. Dig deep if you have to, but focus all of your energy on your thoughts of what can I do to like myself more? When the answers come, and they will use the energy from deep down to do it... .don't procrastinate if it says go for a walk, or run, or gym... .just do it... .why I said all of this, is so that we can realize that our main enemy (and friend) is our own egos that think we get what we want... .I say be yourself no matter what and trust in yourself... .you heard what I did, I was a month and a half NC (still am technically ) and I called my ex only to find out I've been blocked... .well I wish her the best, but I wish me even better, and I know I'll be happier, TRULY happier because I do things to promote love, kindness, calmness, and patience to the world... .true virtues that benefit me and others I'm around... .I'm almost positive that my ex is still impatient, can be unkind, and uses her time to enjoy all of the distracting things that can catch up to a person in the long run... .I know you expressed your hurt towards your ex in the end, but so what? It what you were going through and the fleeting emotions weren't who you are, and you have expresses GENUINE care for your ex time and time again... .if she knew you as you know yourself the GENUINE care Is what I would focus on If I were you... .I snapped at my ex plenty of times, but I'm only human, and how I really feel is that I care about her deeply and always will, however, it is time to wise and think about myself and use my energy to make me and the world a better place... .it is her loss that she doesn't get my "controlling" advice anymore, because I did help her through ALOT! And I am proud of the care I felt for her... .Let it go and you will feel free... .I got nothing but love for you and this board... .

[roberto516]

Thanks emotions. What you speak is the truth. I take comfort knowing that I treated her very well and I took so many steps back to see my role and actively make improvements to the relationship.

I feel better. I just did a lecture at work and it felt good to get out of my head and impart some knowledge which people thanked me for.

It's true for me at least. The best way to get out of my head is to help others. And when it's the weekend and I'm left with myself well maybe I should help myself.

[marti644]

Hey roberto,

Sorry you are feeling so down. That would definitely trigger me too. I have followed your story for a long time, and this is very tough, especially because there are still some indirect connections.

At the heart of these relationship breakups is us deciding to let go. I struggle with this alot with many relationships and situations in my life.

Something that I realized at times is that I would purposely distract myself from thinking about other stressful problems by ruminating about my ex. For example I am currently finishing a degree and it has been a highly stressful time this last year. Because of poor choices on my part coupled with financial stress I have been struggling to finish (totally unrelated to my ex, who was in large part a bandaid for bigger stressors in my life). I have found that I ruminate about my ex to avoid dealing with bigger issues in my life, which are much more important than any relationship (one of them is my financial future and career, which should be priority number one at this point in my life).

Do you ever find yourself ruminating to avoid other uncomfortable feelings? Realizing that I did this has been a huge step for me, and everytime I ruminate too much (there is a place and time of course when it is appropriate) I stop myself and work on my real fear (my career). This has not only helped me stop ruminating as much but also allowed me to be more productive. Not a quick fix, but helping me solve one of my problems and letting the other take time to heal.

Be kind to yourself my friend.

cheers, marti

[roberto516]

Do you ever find yourself ruminating to avoid other uncomfortable feelings?

Thanks marti,

This is exactly what I do. I used to give a lecture on relapse prevention for drug/alcohol. Well it didn't take too long to see that this is exactly what this was for me. A neural addiction that I had to work through to avoid a relapse of any sort (the only relapse left for me is to break NC as I will never hear from her again otherwise).

Anyway, people don't just physically relapse. They begin with the emotional relapse which gives fuel to the mental relapse (cravings) and then the physical.

For a couple months I have finally committed when I get a craving to pull back to the emotional relapse if you will, which is always the feeling at stake.

Today was difficult and so have the past few days but on the better days when I have a thought I quickly pull it back. I'll give an example of how I do that. "What's the feeling going on? You're sad. Alright. Why are you sad? I'm sad because I have experienced a loss which has kicked up those childhood abandonment fears. I'm also sad because things didn't go as I planned and I feel that I lost a deep connection. Alright, that's normal to feel sad about that. But it's okay. You aren't that hurt child anymore. It's okay to be sad about a loss."

That usually makes me feel better until I have to use it again. I know that in time it's going to get easier and easier as my neurons do their rewiring bit. I guess today was just hard to process as I was flooded with the emotions.

But what you say makes perfect sense and what i have implemented. It's helpful. When I talk like the example above there is no place for rumination in that thought process. It's me identifying my emotions and why I feel that way and what I experienced from the past which has provided fuel to the present situation. Nowhere in that thought process is any thought about her.

Some days it's easier to pull back from the craving if you will. But hey, today I had to distract myself with work and my side job and I do feel better. I just need to make sure that before I go to bed I process and feel the sadness truly so that it doesn't get suppressed with the busy work of my life.

Thanks for the reply.