ClosetBPD...

[ClosetBPD]

Hi, my name is A, and I am a 39 year old female. Wow, I don't even know where to start? This past year, I entered into an intense year of individual therapy after my Dad died, which followed with my husband leaving me shortly after. After a couple of months of my husband leaving myself and our two children, I let him comeback. However, he was a raging alcoholic, and drug addict, who was pretty verbally abusive with me. I will admit I played my part in the destruction of our relationship as well.
I started graduate school this past spring semester, which combined with therapy has really helped me to get more in tune with my actual self. At which point I asked my EX husband to leave and told him I wanted a divorce. Then through therapy and gaining more knowledge, especially, working through my childhood relationships. I was able to admit I am an affective borderline, with co-occurring ADHD.
So, needless to say, my Mother who has borderline personality disorder has offered to help me this next year with my two children so I may complete graduate school. So I moved in with her and now that the honeymoon period has started to fade, and she's started cycling back into her old behaviors... .I am having trouble swallowing her demanding, hurtful criticisms toward myself and my son who is special needs. Unfortunately, I am financially dependent on her until August 18th, so I have been suffering through her criticisms and getting negative feed back about her lying to my family about things she has done but tells everyone I did? Telling them lies! However, through my self restraint, I am holding back on confronting her about everything until my first paycheck comes in and I can give her some  money. Then, I really want to confront her about everything, tactfully of course. Any advice on how I can do this with out her retaliating, and sabotaging against me?

[Circle]

How can you communicate with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions? Unless, they approach you looking to make a change.

The best I can think of, is to keep the peace: see the tools on the different boards, in the right-hand margins. 'Confronting' a person with BPD does not work. The illness has a tendency to view everything as an attack.

In my limited opinion, she needs to approach you, if change is going to happen. You can set clear boundaries though, of what you will, or will not tolerate. For example, you could make it clear, that if she yells at you, you won't have dinner with her that night, or some such thing.

Also, don't engage in conflict!
Don't j.a.d.e. for example
Don't Justify, Argue, Defend yourself, or Explain yourself, in conflict situations.

Check out those tools on the different boards!
 

[Kwamina]

Hi ClosetBPD

I would like to join Circle in welcoming you to bpdfamily

You have already been given some solid advice by Circle. When it comes to communicating constructively, asserting yourself and expressing needs for change, the following communication techniques can be quite helpful:
- S.E.T. (to express yourself)
- D.E.A.R.M.A.N. (to assert yourself)

Were you already familiar with these techniques and have you perhaps tried them before?

You specifically refer to yourself as an 'affective borderline'. Are you referring to the subtype of BPD that has been proposed by some? What are the traits you an/or your therapist see in yourself that lead you to the conclusion of being an affective borderline?

It's great to see you reaching out here, although the circumstances that have led you here of course aren't very pleasant.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Highlander]

Hi A  ,

Wow, you are in exactly the same position I was in last year, having no choice but to live with your BPD mother (in my case undiagnosed BPD mother in law (unMIL)) for the sake of a child/children).

Circle is right when noting:  "How can you communicate with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions? Unless, they approach you looking to make a change".

For me, I was caught up in a court case to save my unBPD MIL's grandchild (my deceased SIL's orphaned child) from being raised by my husband's father (my FIL) who physically abused his children for 2 decades (which my BPD MIL witnessed, as his wife, until they divorced).

So last year, even though Dear Husband (DH) and I own our own home, we were forced through the court process to care for DH's niece, every third week in a location closer to my FIL's home (we lived too far to care for her in our home), so along with the costs of the court case plus the 800 mile 3 weekly gas costs, we couldn't afford to pay for extra accommodation and had to stay in my uBPD MIL's home whilst we were caring for the child every third week until the hearing, which we were told we would surely win!

As the months went by, her splitting towards me got worse, and worse, and to avoid confrontation, we walked on eggshells around her - simply for our nieces sake only. 

I could handle, deflect and even apologise for things I didn't do but there were some things I could not take - when she kicked my dog (with spinal problems), when she blamed me for for her son's own actual 'official' BPD diagnosis in 2011 (I met him when he was 29 and I could not have been responsible for a childhood disorder) and when she was demanding that my DH do heavy labour for her, against his doctors orders (he had a broken collarbone at the time), - these were the few times, I literally had to say NO.

But to her, I was in her home, and in her thinking, she was doing me a favour - even though in a non BPD's mind, one should conclude that we should all be banning together to save her 3 year old granddaughter from a life of abuse with her ex-husband.

Long story short, because I stood up for a number of things that I couldn't allow, there was ZERO reasoning from her and standing up for myself, or my dog, or her son, only led to more untrue accusations against me and even trying to justify myself ended up being my downfall.  Again Circle is right " don't engage in conflict!  Don't j.a.d.e".  I did try and reason with her, but there is no reasoning and this pushed her in a corner to lie and accuse me even more.  When myself and DH caught her out, she would change the conversation and make things up that DH wasn't there to witness.

You'll get no-where but be thrown a great number of additional accusations.

As it turned out, we were thrown out of her home because she felt justified in changing her support from us raising her grandchild to her abusive ex-husband raising her.  and WHY?  Because I offered to to do the heavy labour instead of her son who had the broken collarbone.  Apparently, I had crossed her too many times in the past few months because I asked her not to kick my dog and stood up for myself after she blamed me for giving her son BPD and offered to do the work instead of my DH who technically couldn't.

Note:  My DH has since recovered from his official diagnosis of BPD with the help of therapy and the only reason he did is that he is like yourself who saw and quote yourself " I was able to admit I am an affective borderline, with co-occurring ADHD".  In my opinion, as well as my DH's therapists opinion, some kids that get BPD traits from their parents are smart enough to recognise their faults and are willing to acknowledge and go to treatment for them.  Its really a big thing and you should be be proud of yourself.  That's a really big thing!

I, like Circle, suggest that there is no point confronting her about anything and to read as many boundaries you can to help you whilst you are still under her roof, but spend any energy you have left on getting out.