Oh Joy, Ms Triangle has been split black.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am not a saint. The joy I feel is pure and unadulterated.  I saw it coming and it is here. Needless to say my expwBPD feels free to confide in me in my new capacity as friend. I feel the need to set boundaries somehow, no matter how friendly I may feel, it still triggers tremendous emotions of pain and loss. In the twilight zone of BPD it seems OK to be having these conversations, but there is a still small voice in my head saying that it is not. I am still an ex-partner with a lot of unresolved issues to work through and cannot be carrying the pain of someone else's break-up. How to I explain this to expwBPD in a way that does not make her feel rejected?

[khibomsis]

I am not a saint. The joy I feel is pure and unadulterated.  I saw it coming and it is here. Needless to say my expwBPD feels free to confide in me in my new capacity as friend. I feel the need to set boundaries somehow, no matter how friendly I may feel, it still triggers tremendous emotions of pain and loss. In the twilight zone of BPD it seems OK to be having these conversations, but there is a still small voice in my head saying that it is not. I am still an ex-partner with a lot of unresolved issues to work through and cannot be carrying the pain of someone else's break-up. How to I explain this to expwBPD in a way that does not make her feel rejected?

[once removed]

is she talking to you about a new romantic partner?

[khibomsis]

Thank you OR, I hadn't even thought of that! No, no yet there is someone who might become but that fell through as well. You are so right, she was attempting to triangulate Ms T and it got ugly. So yes, she is talking about new 'friends'.

[khibomsis]

Sorry, I see that I am not being clear. Ms T is someone the expwBPD dated during one of our breaks. Ms T .never really went away, but there is now somebody new in the picture as well. Both got split black. Still joyful but confused 

[valet]

forget the notion that you can somehow 'not make her feel rejected', that's how. you can't control her emotions and you only have very limited control of the future of any friendship, if there is to even be one in the end.

you seem self-aware enough to understand that you're not in the right place for what she appears to be asking of you. what's holding you back from flat out admitting it and acting accordingly?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear K-

It seems to me that at this stage of your recovery it may be time for you to look in your very effective self- reflective mirror and ask yourself something like this:

“Is what I think I’m doing FOR her (exBPD) worth what it’s doing TO me?” 

You’ll get your answer, my friend.

Warmly,
Gems

[Warriorprincess]

How long has it been since you were with your expwBPD romantically? I don't have experience with this yet, but I anticipate it coming with my exWwBPD.

[khibomsis]

thank you, valet and Gems for your questions! I am definitely taking those to my therapist. I guess the short answer is that I was brought up with a profound other- orientation, so much so that even if you ask me "how are you?" it takes me several minutes of reflection to come up with an answer So deep stuff like this I take to therapy. I see where you are heading, though, and appreciate the support.

Warriorprincess, we are three months separated. It is me wanting to very foolishly be friends through the break up that is causing this dilemma. Mostly it works because the relationship was mostly not abusive. But yes, triangulation comes with BPD, so you are wise to expect it.

[Warriorprincess]

I am navigating similar waters, khibomsis. Last week my xWwBPD and I came to an agreement with the mediator, after only 3 sessions. Then we texted afterwards, proud of ourselves and sharing news of our lives. But the weekend was much more strained. She accused me of cheating on her the last year of our relationship. She supposedly was "just asking questions" but after I answered them she called me a liar again and again. 2 days later it was like nothing happened- what an exhausting and predictable cycle. The tears come often for me and I try to let them. My friends chide me for keeping the lines of communication open with her. It feels better to accept whatever comes and not protect myself from it. It's been 6 weeks now since the break-up. I had a bad migraine this week and lamented not having a partner to watch over me and the pain. Who will care now and ask how they can help? Even though I received crumbs for caring while with my ex, it feels worse to be alone.

One day at a time.

[khibomsis]

Hey it sucks WP! Friendship is eerily like relationship, maybe more so for me because we were LDR. Oddly enough, I enjoy being alone mostly, but I have someone living with me and a great support network of family and friends. I come here because I have not told them about the BPD.  I had CoVID alone though, obviously was not going to inflict myself on anybody at such a time. It was a lot.
I am glad you have friends to support you, maybe now is the time to deepen those interactions? And if you have other friends living alone you can set up a mutual care system? I have one friend who used to do nothing but come eat with me once a week, then came lockdown of course.

It is most definitely easier to detach when going NC or LC. I would suggest limit contact with your ex to the strictly necessary until you feel better. I am good friends with a couple of my exes but it took a few years of LC for us to get there. Your ex at this point is hurt and angry, not good for you in other words.
One day at a time indeed. The first 90 days are the worst.
 

[cash05458]

K...you write "profound other- orientation"...

Think about that for a second...please...the good advice you are hearing from folks here is spot on I think...


Work on this "other orientation"...THAT you can work on...via her feeling rejected or splitting via her views of you...or whatever it might be via her reading of the world and the situations...well, you can't and you know this yes...

This will sound like a cliche...but just do you...and let the chips fall where they may...

Should they fall badly via her...so be it...deal with that then...even failure has stability when done from the proper motivation...and the motivation is YOU and your life now...

[Warriorprincess]

Thank you for the hugs, k. I'm so sorry you faced CoVID alone. I'm definitely deepening some of my friendships now, although I isolate myself when I feel sad, angry, or uncomfortable (in other words when I have feelings ). This week I have declined invitations, choosing to stay home and cry. And it just occurred to me that the killer migraine with nausea I had on Tuesday and has lingered Wednesday and again today is perhaps my body's reaction to the break-up (maybe it just hit me?) and to my xWwBPD's vitriol. She is being manipulative and trying to shame me and posting songs and memes on social media slamming marital partners for mid-life crises, cheating, leaving, and moving on while she is suffering, abandoned, used up, and being "badmouthed"... Ugh. I'm halfway through the 90 days, so it must be hump day! I can do this!
 

[Warriorprincess]

Of course you’re right about going NC or LC. We haven’t texted in 2 days.  I think I may need to block myself from seeing her social media. She encouraged me to friend her again so I could see updates on the kids but so far it’s just mean things she wants me to see.

I’ve been thinking about the “other-orientation”. I too have a difficult time answering “how are you?” I answer with a long pause. When I was with my W, I’d answer by listing things she was doing. Now I’m trying to bring the focus to me. My therapist thinks the migraines and nausea (plus I got a rash and swollen gums) is my body releasing the toxicity and emotions of the past years. I have been unhappy for so long that my body and mind seem to need time to adjust to peace and stability. 

K, you’re on my mind. I send you clarity, tranquility, and wisdom.

[khibomsis]

Wonderful to hear, WP! Your ex is not in therapy or trying to get better,  she is more likely to be trying to get you to carry some of the pain, so the less you hear of her the better. Hopefully with time she will learn to self soothe and be safe to be around.

On this board we are often advised to stay away from social media. No good can come of it.

O, the other orientation! I am so glad to have found a friend In my case it was a codependent father and uNBPD mother that set me up for it. How did you arrive at one?

Totally agree with your therapist, you must expect to feel exhausted. Trauma stores in the body, I do a lot of working out trying to feel where it is sitting in the body and releasing it. It really helps to learn to focus on me also. You should get better soon. You have been used to carrying three people on your back, and now you can focus on taking care of you for a change
  :hug

[khibomsis]

Thank you cash for your encouragement and concern! I hear you and the other voices with pleasure, it shows a real concern for my wellbeing. Don't know what I would do without these boards.  Please don't read any hesitancy in my response, it is only that all of this is so new to me (focusing on me and my needs) and that is why I run stuff by my therapist. Literally reparenting myself.

The good news is she must have read my mind because we haven't talked about it for a couple of days. I don't ask and she doesn't volounteer. Hoping it lasts until my next therapy session    Gives me a chance to breathe and work out a strategy.

[khibomsis]

Just to update that I finally got to speak to my therapist. She helped me see that although I got great joy and happiness from the fact that my friend wBPD finally has seen the light about Ms Triangle's toxicity, it is also my saviour complex that makes me feel obliged to listen. That sense of obligation needs to be a warning signal lest I get sucked back into co-dependency. So I am going to deprive myself of this dubious pleasure henceforth by changing the subject every time it comes up. In a validating way of course. Fortunately everyone loves to talk about themselves and my pwBPD is no different, so changing the subject is not hard.

Thank you everyone who contributed! I broached your questions  and they turned out to be really useful in helping me set a boundary. One up for us other-oriented people!

[Warriorprincess]

Way to go, khibomsis! You should feel proud of yourself for exploring these issues with your therapist and setting a boundary.

I made it to the 2 month mark of my break-up! I’m still communicating with my ex since we have to coordinate workers coming into the house we own together. She’s still living there with her two sons; they’re moving in less than 2 weeks. We email and text about utilities, workers, yard work, dividing our joint property, and sometimes the kids and dogs. I had planned to be there Saturday with my contractor to work in the garage and outside, but then she told me her parents were coming to help her move furniture and boxes. She said, “I just want the two months of utter hell to be over.” Cue guilt, shame, sadness, savior complex, loneliness. Then I hear the song “Somewhere” (otherwise known as “A Place for Us”). Is it wrong to imagine that in an alternate universe we could be together again?

 , WP

[khibomsis]

Thank you WP! And well done for making it through the first 60 days Another month and you will start feeling like a human being again. I am just past that, so I know whereof I speak.

It is really hard to have to be in contact while trying to detach, the more so if the FOG threatens to overwhelm. Saying that time helps is no help, I know, but one day at a time truly does it.

Will there ever be a time when a song, a fragrance or something does not bring tears to my eyes? I doubt it. I hope they will fewer and further between.

There is no wrong or right in these matters. For me, starting to remember the good parts is a sign I am starting to heal. For sure I do believe that BPD is also a disease in a social context, and I can certainly imagine social contexts in which both they and we receive more support.

Take care of you, first. What motivates me is thinking of ways in which we can create a better social context for the next generation. We are three generations of BPD in my family and getting better all the time. But for that to happen I need to be OK.
 

[Warriorprincess]

You are filled with so much compassion and wisdom, kb. I love the idea of social contexts in which both they and we receive more support. And taking care of me will be my #1 goal. I am so grateful for this site.  -WP