Birthday blowup

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello... .

I found this site while meandering the internet looking for articles to help me process a recent string of particularly hurtful emails sent by my likely BPD mother to myself, our family, and key members of my personal support network. Starting on my recent birthday. Needless to say this site quickly struck a chord.

I don't know where to start with my introduction. I've been through lots of good therapy. I have forgiven her for many of the things she's still stuck on. If she gets me alone, she looks to me to validate her parenting- we get stuck when I avoid the bait by saying something to the effect of "let's not go there," or if I'm foolish I'll state that I think we have some work to do on our relationship. She will then predictably announce to everyone <via group email> that I have hurtfully informed her that I think she's a terrible mother (not something I would ever actually say nor have I), and that she cannot possibly do xyz that she had committed to- including but not limited to supporting or attending major (positive) personal milestones, birthdays, funerals, and crises surrounding her own aging mother- because she is so insulted. The birthday terrorism was the latest and most hurtful example, but it's not the first, or second, or third. This is a more recent manifestation of her illness.

I have tried to be a good daughter. I have supported her through crisis. I encourage her to act appropriately and make good decisions when it comes to her friendships and family relationships when she comes to me for advice and validation. I am her only child. She blames me for the only problems in her life that she acknowledges. She lives mostly in denial and fantasyland/her own mind, and the penalty for asking her to consider a different perspective, or to even venture toward having a reasonable conversation is enormous.

It's hard to read back over this email and not feel like I'm making myself out to be a victim, but the truth is, despite my BPD mom's bad advice, judgement, and general black cloud, I'm a hard working, optimistic, adventurous woman- and it seems like any time I am facing a glimmer of progress in my life, mom has to sound the alarm- sending group emails, pointing out my shortcomings, questioning my judgement, or otherwise attempting to erode my support system- which I have had to build and maintain in lieu of a healthy relationship with my mom.

The way she so deeply resents me has become glaringly evident over the last couple of years. It's extremely painful for me and I am worried that the relationships that are most important to me will be poisoned by her resentment.

My mom's side of the family has been so stricken with dysfunction that I can't discuss any of this with them- the line between reasonable and unreasonable washed away so long ago that we barely stick together when we need to most.

Not sure how to sign off, this is long, looking forward to moving forward.

thx for reading

[momprobs]

Hello... .

I found this site while meandering the internet looking for articles to help me process a recent string of particularly hurtful emails sent by my likely BPD mother to myself, our family, and key members of my personal support network. Starting on my recent birthday. Needless to say this site quickly struck a chord.

I don't know where to start with my introduction. I've been through lots of good therapy. I have forgiven her for many of the things she's still stuck on. If she gets me alone, she looks to me to validate her parenting- we get stuck when I avoid the bait by saying something to the effect of "let's not go there," or if I'm foolish I'll state that I think we have some work to do on our relationship. She will then predictably announce to everyone <via group email> that I have hurtfully informed her that I think she's a terrible mother (not something I would ever actually say nor have I), and that she cannot possibly do xyz that she had committed to- including but not limited to supporting or attending major (positive) personal milestones, birthdays, funerals, and crises surrounding her own aging mother- because she is so insulted. The birthday terrorism was the latest and most hurtful example, but it's not the first, or second, or third. This is a more recent manifestation of her illness.

I have tried to be a good daughter. I have supported her through crisis. I encourage her to act appropriately and make good decisions when it comes to her friendships and family relationships when she comes to me for advice and validation. I am her only child. She blames me for the only problems in her life that she acknowledges. She lives mostly in denial and fantasyland/her own mind, and the penalty for asking her to consider a different perspective, or to even venture toward having a reasonable conversation is enormous.

It's hard to read back over this email and not feel like I'm making myself out to be a victim, but the truth is, despite my BPD mom's bad advice, judgement, and general black cloud, I'm a hard working, optimistic, adventurous woman- and it seems like any time I am facing a glimmer of progress in my life, mom has to sound the alarm- sending group emails, pointing out my shortcomings, questioning my judgement, or otherwise attempting to erode my support system- which I have had to build and maintain in lieu of a healthy relationship with my mom.

The way she so deeply resents me has become glaringly evident over the last couple of years. It's extremely painful for me and I am worried that the relationships that are most important to me will be poisoned by her resentment.

My mom's side of the family has been so stricken with dysfunction that I can't discuss any of this with them- the line between reasonable and unreasonable washed away so long ago that we barely stick together when we need to most.

Not sure how to sign off, this is long, looking forward to moving forward.

thx for reading

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Momprobs and welcome! 

I enjoyed reading your introductory post. Thank you for sharing!

So much can be said for having a pwBPD in our lives, and you've done a great job of summarizing the basic senario so often seen. The projection, denial, accusations, disruption, and the resulting FOG (feelings of guilt) and questioning of who we are as the child of a BPD. You are not alone. My mom was also an uBPD, and I've struggled with so much of the same things as I hear you sharing.

Have you read the book:
 
Surviving a Borderline Parent

It has been a great help to me as well as a wonderful source of validation when I question so much of who I am and what I'm feeling on a day to day basis.

 
Wools

[momprobs]

Hi Wools,

Thanks for the response and nice welcome

I have not read that book- thanks for the recommendation, it sounds like a great place to start.


momprobs

[zsc884]

Hey,

I'm in a very similar situation with my mother. First of all, I'm sorry and I'm happy for you that you have taken steps towards being in therapy.

I don't know what advice to actually offer because that is why I am on the board as well - I want to learn how to be able to get my mother in treatment without the onslaught of verbal abuse of her defensiveness.

But I can offer some support in a similar situation happening to me. Seeing my mother's name appear on my phone still terrifies me a little bit. At baseline, in high school it was her just constantly texting and calling me "Where r u" "R u okay?" "I'm worried about u" "Please respond" "Where r u?" from hour to hour, until I finally just went home. At bad times, was she used to search through my possessions and then she would confront me in my text messages. I would get calls and texts of her rages, saying that she wasn't going to pay for anything any more. Whenever I made her angry she tried to take everything away from me. There was no talking to her. In recent years when I've moved out of her house, we have had some terrible fights and after physically leaving her, she then texts me the abuse. One time the abuse simply didn't make sense, I had told her I wanted to leave America and she had sent me a long angry inflammatory text about how much she loved Capitalism. The e-mail notifications are hard because you can read them again and they strike even when you physically get away from them. I just try to delete them and not respond.

[momprobs]

Hi zsc884,

thanks for the response

I too am sorry for your large mom problems :/ they're never fun. I suppose it always comes down to $$$ because that's power and control for a mentally ill parent. So sad for her to only see your relationship on those terms.

My mom made the same $$$ threats to me throughout college, and continues to do so. They are her trump card, even when she does not support me, and she still threatens to 'cut off all contact' as if that was something that I wouldn't look forward to at this point. If I have any advice for you: if you haven't yet, do not to enter into any joint financial situations, like student loans or any other kind of loan. Trust me on this one  it's a rough row to hoe 

I also wish I could encourage my mom to seek treatment. It's so clear that she needs help.

Unfortunately my mom is a person who was in on the cutting edge of pharmaceutical advancements in the 80s and 90s. When I was in my early teens, she would offer me Prozac for PMS- even as a young, rebellious, and experimental teen, I knew that was some messed up advice. Point being, she was in therapy and choosing her own "candy." To this day she believes that our unique genetic makeup requires us to use pharmaceuticals to operate like normal humans. what the heck.

I'm going to leave this post here for now. I do have more to say, but I'll save it for later!

momprobs