I'm devastated I don't know where to turn

[damenlost]

Hello everyone

I'm in BPD hell and I really believe I'm losing it! I was thrown out of our home of five years together when my BPD told me that she had broken into my computer to discover conversations that I had with someone. I'm not proud of it and as previously posted in the end it was absolutely meaningless to me. I regretted it and still do to this moment. Fast forward a couple of months to today and for various legal reasons that isn't pertinent to this discussion anytime that I need access to my former home I need to call the police to perform a keep the peace serice as they do. Today I visited my home with the police to retrieve my personal items. As is customary I'm suppose to communicate with my BPD that I intend to visit. For some reason my gut told me not to do so. Upon arriving with the police a STRANGE MAN answered the door to both his and my BPD shock and surprise. I had to muster every fiber of self control that I could muster to not cause a scene and likely get into legal trouble myself. What is bothering me the most is that through a bit of internet detective work I was able to figure out the identity of the STRANGE MAN. What's worse is that I discovered that he is involved with the computer security business which by extension can only explain how my low functioning BPD was able to break into my computer in the first place! I'M SO ANGRY that I'm having difficulty holding it together. It's completely obvious to me that my BPD must have had a relationship with the STRANGE MAN well before a few weeks ago when she had a epic meltdown and threw me out! What have I done to be treated like complete trash, a five year relationship that I gave blood to maintain is dismissed in a snap of a finger. When I saw her today there was nothing but loathing in her eyes- likely since I caught her in in the very charade that she points to as the rationale to the end of our relationship. My entire circle of family and friends say that I could be more fortunate to be out of her daily orbit. My heat is broken into so many pieces I've lost count. Am I that worthless a human being to be treated this way? I love my BPD with every fiber of my being. I'm trying to rationalize if it was really me that sabotaged the relationship of was my BPD just tired of me and needing to move on to a new partner and the infatuation stage? I don't think I can say anymore- I'm exhausted from the toll from today's events. HELP!

[Emotions]

I've been there bro... .7.5 years for me... .your not worthless she just isn't who you thought she was... .good luck

[NotOverHer]

Unfortunately, that's what BPDs do. The information she found on your computer was just an excuse. BPDs discard their current lovers, to whom they vowed everlasting love, and who were told were "The best ever". But they don't tell you they're ready to discard you until they've secured their next victim into a new r/s, telling them that they're the "Best ever". Chance are, she will do the exact same thing to STRANGE MAN in the future. I'm sorry if I sound cynical. I've just done a lot of reading on that diagnosis, and I'm still in the process of trying to detach from being discarded by my BPDexgf.

[roberto516]

My heart really goes out to you. I can't imagine what I would have done in that situation. I still abide to the belief that a relationship needs two people watering the plant to make it grow. Listen, near the end I was beginning to think "what if" in terms of talking to other people. I was desperately lonely and just wanted someone to show me any attention. I didn't do anything but the thoughts were there. I wouldn't fault yourself for that.

I guess the big question is ":)o you feel you watered that relationship plant to the best of your ability? Even when, at times, you didn't want to put any more effort into it?" If so then hold your head high for loving someone and wanting to fight through the hard times. ":)id you try and make some changes for the betterment of the relationship?" If so then hold your head high. There is pride in that. It's okay to grieve and be sad.

As emotions said, her real self revealed itself and she is actually someone completely different. It took me almost a year and a half to finally see that my ex didn't care about anyone but herself and that I was just something she could use (whether it was to cure loneliness, vent to, get support, watch the dog while she did this or that, etc.). It's making it easier to let go when I realize that she won't change and if someone wants to be with her who wants to spend the rest of his life slaveing over her every need with just a few bread crumbs tossed his way than more power to him. It wasn't a life for me and not one I deserve. Just like you deserve better.

But grieve. Be sad. Have a good cry. You deserve it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi damenlost,

Welcome to the board.  I'm sorry you've landed here, but we are here to help you at this difficult time.  You are hurting right now and that is to be expected.  Try to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up about how things have gone.  I'm afraid the likelihood is that they would have gone this way no matter what you had done.  BPD relationships aren't often built to last.  You have lots of questions, which is understandable and I'm hoping that by sharing this link it will ease your mind a little about what you have experienced.  I related to it so well and things finally began to make sense for me about what had happened in the r/s.  It talks about the way that a BPD r/s evolves and was an eye opener for me when I first came here. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I hope it is helpful for you.  When you are ready, feel free to share more and continue to read on here.  It helps to know you're far from alone in this.  I would encourage you to begin looking at the lessons to the right of the board as they are very valuable in helping you to take stock and begin to consider how you move forwards from here.  We will be here to listen when you need to let your feelings out so don't hold back.

Love and light x

[NotOverHer]

It took me almost a year and a half to finally see that my ex didn't care about anyone but herself and that I was just something she could use (whether it was to cure loneliness, vent to, get support, watch the dog while she did this or that, etc.). It's making it easier to let go when I realize that she won't change and if someone wants to be with her who wants to spend the rest of his life slaveing over her every need with just a few bread crumbs tossed his way than more power to him. It wasn't a life for me and not one I deserve. Just like you deserve better.

So well said!

Damenlost: After reading the awesome posts from Roberto516 and Harley Quinn, I need to apologize for my post that sounded too cynical, almost heartless. I understand the pain you feel. My post was aimed at reminding you that it was NOT your fault. That there is nothing you could have done. That your girlfriend was not who she appeared to be. You know you did everything you could to make it work. But with a BPD, it can never be good enough. Once you can realize that SHE was the problem, and that there was really nothing you could do to tame this emotional disaster, you will feel better about everything.

My ability to vent about, read about and better understand the BPD psyche, by sharing my pains and experience here on bpdfamily.com, has been by far the most helpful part of working on getting over my failed BPD relationship. I can't thank you all enough.