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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2017, 02:14:00 AM » |
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Dear Jane-
I'm really sorry that you're going through this situation with your BPD BF. I'm actually glad I found you... .I'd like to sort of "compare notes", so to speak. But first I'd like to ask, I saw your response to someone else's post where you said you thought it must be worse with a BPD woman. Why?
Anyway, can you give a bit more background about your relationship with your BF? I know that you've been back together for 5 months, but how long had you been together before then, how long were you apart, what led to your breakup?
I should say, the reason I'm glad I found you is that my BPD BF and I are also in our 50's, actually bordering on 60 now. September will be 4 years that we've been "together ". I discovered BPD" in mid-May 2017, 3 weeks after he left in what I had intended at the time to be his LAST unprovoked rage at me.
I didn't see him from April 17 until about June 24th (the longest we'd ever been apart). We were no contact (NC) for most of that time. He needs my support right now because his mom is ill, so I'm here for him. Whatever... .but I have to be very careful. Very very careful, because he is so potentially hurtful to me. But at least now I have some tools to deal with his explosive behavior.
So may I ask... .your BF "says" he wants the keys back, but how do you think he would react if you actually gave the keys to him? Would he feel that you are abandoning him? How much time do you spend together? Are there times when you go to his home to take care of things for him when he's not there? Does it feel like he's not as interested in your relationship as he was when you first reunited?
I'm trying to understand more about what you mean when you say he makes "outrageous " statements ". I do know some pwBPD can say some things completely out of left field, whether in a rage or not, and we don't know how to respond. A lot of times it's best to say nothing until they're in a calmer state, try to validate, and then discuss with them what they meant. I know with my BPD man, he often talks about all the "negativity ", but I think it's his own voice he's hearing. At times when he's here, I retreat to the loo and beg GOD to give me patience not to tell him to just STOP complaining about everyone and everything!
Is there perhaps something else happening in his life that is causing an increase in his emotional dysregulation? Is someone outside of your relationship putting pressure on him? Work, family or something unrelated to you?
Sometimes with my BPD, especially with his difficulty dealing with his mom's illness and responsibilities around that, I'm trying to change up some of our routines. This seems to alter his patterns in a positive way. I'll take him to a different place to go for a nature walk, get him AWAY from the idiot television set. Or I just try to do something that we did during our courting. I'll dance with him in the living room. It brings good feelings and love to his mind.
What helps me is the realization that I am not dealing with a "normal", mentally healthy man. I truly understand a good amount about him and give him space where he needs it. I don't trust him with my heart and possibly never will. That saddens me, but it wasn't my actions that placed us in this position, it was him. Maybe someday I'll get there. He is at least in a place now where he apologizes. And he understands that he is no longer allowed to yell at me. When that happens, he needs to leave, or I need to say goodbye on the phone. My boundaries with that are working so far, but I have no assurance it will last past tomorrow.
If your man tells you he no longer wants a relationship, how do you react to that statement? Is he saying this during a rage or in a calm moment? That is so hurtful to you, I understand, and am so sorry. When you're up to it, please provide more details.
Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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