Missed call - what does it mean?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all
Feel a bit silly posting and asking this question, but something as simple as this happening and I haven't been able to move beyond it or allow it to slip away from my mind... .so I thought I'd get some thoughts and opinions on the matter.
Have posted before and really don't want to re-state / bore you with my details but nutshell as I think it will help to explain? ... .udBPD ex, few discards / recycles over 3 yr period. Latest in dec after a 9 month NC and then a 4 month recycle (as I now understand it). She moved to oz in dec rather abruptly. Replaced within weeks. Then 6 month NC until I received an apology text a month ago and then she returned a week after the apology text (earlier than thought). I didn't respond to the text as I know I'm still detaching and the return has really sent me into a spin. Replacement has also returned and things seem to be continuing with them...
So to the point ... .I received a missed WhatsApp call a few days ago on a number I didn't recognise - she changed her number after returning.  (rang once / twice then hung up). I have since found it , it was the ex. Now I'm questioning  whether this was an accident or whether it was done on purpose? Any opinions on this ?
Maybe she wants me to have the number in case I ever wanted to message? Maybe it was an accident but it's not so easy to accidentally call on WhatsApp in that way! Reaching out? Feeling guilty? What ? It's done my head in for days trying to work out what it means! Appreciate any thoughts on the matter
Thank you

[KtotheK]

Hi all
Feel a bit silly posting and asking this question, but something as simple as this happening and I haven't been able to move beyond it or allow it to slip away from my mind... .so I thought I'd get some thoughts and opinions on the matter.
Have posted before and really don't want to re-state / bore you with my details but nutshell as I think it will help to explain? ... .udBPD ex, few discards / recycles over 3 yr period. Latest in dec after a 9 month NC and then a 4 month recycle (as I now understand it). She moved to oz in dec rather abruptly. Replaced within weeks. Then 6 month NC until I received an apology text a month ago and then she returned a week after the apology text (earlier than thought). I didn't respond to the text as I know I'm still detaching and the return has really sent me into a spin. Replacement has also returned and things seem to be continuing with them...
So to the point ... .I received a missed WhatsApp call a few days ago on a number I didn't recognise - she changed her number after returning.  (rang once / twice then hung up). I have since found it , it was the ex. Now I'm questioning  whether this was an accident or whether it was done on purpose? Any opinions on this ?
Maybe she wants me to have the number in case I ever wanted to message? Maybe it was an accident but it's not so easy to accidentally call on WhatsApp in that way! Reaching out? Feeling guilty? What ? It's done my head in for days trying to work out what it means! Appreciate any thoughts on the matter
Thank you

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

How does this make you feel?  Hopeful?  Nervous?  Irritated?  That's the only thing you can know for sure, as there are any number of possibilities for the call and none of them are in your control.  Acknowledging and accepting how it makes you feel, (it's OK to feel the way you do), is something you can control.

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

How does this make you feel?  Hopeful?  Nervous?  Irritated?  That's the only thing you can know for sure, as there are any number of possibilities for the call and none of them are in your control.  Acknowledging and accepting how it makes you feel, (it's OK to feel the way you do), is something you can control.

Love and light x

Hi

All of those things! Angry; Sad; Yes hopeful in some respects but know full well I really shouldn't be! Wondering whether she is actually thinking about me! But ... .angry because yet again (not first time as literally this time last year I was bombarded with texts that led to the recycle of 4 months before Another discard!) I didn't know anything about BPD until she suggested it as she left in December
I feel quite rubbish if I'm honest and back on that rollercoaster that I almost feel I cannot get off  
I want answers why? What? Etc ... but I know I'm not going to get them.
Thank you for replying .

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

How does this make you feel?  Hopeful?  Nervous?  Irritated?  That's the only thing you can know for sure, as there are any number of possibilities for the call and none of them are in your control.  Acknowledging and accepting how it makes you feel, (it's OK to feel the way you do), is something you can control.

Love and light x

Have I also posted this on the wrong board?

[Harley Quinn]

Have I also posted this on the wrong board?

I guess that depends on whether you see it as a crisis in your detaching or a learning from your wounds.  I'd say it belongs here on detaching.  What do you think?

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

I guess that depends on whether you see it as a crisis in your detaching or a learning from your wounds.  I'd say it belongs here on detaching.  What do you think?

Love and light x

Yes I guess I am still finding I am struggling with detaching... .particularly when things such as this happens. I feel like I get to a point where I am (think I am) making some sort of progress and then I see otherwise somewhat. I am triggered I guess (the apology text; then learning she's home; now this). I just feel  like I am never going to come out the other side and feel okay/happy/free of the way it makes me feel. Does that make any sense. I have been so hurt (like so many) but tonight I find myself missing / Wondering if I'll receive a text etc. But I know if I do, that'll send me into a whole new spin / trigger to have to deal with. NC has helped for the past 6-7 months and I said I couldn't have contact. I'd been replaced so that made contact difficult anyway. I guess like you say, I have no idea why, I Just need to take some control back

[Harley Quinn]

As you said, the circumstances surrounding your NC probably have had an influence on you as the new r/s coupled with her moving to another country have fed into the situation.  It is understandable that her return is triggering for you and the contact that you've had has had the same effect.  Perhaps this is a good thing to happen right now (as opposed to in several years!) as it is allowing you to look at where you are in your detaching and healing and consider what needs you have to address for yourself?  I believe everything happens for a reason and we can take lessons from it all.  Do you refer to the lessons?  What you will find is it's normal to sometimes move a little backwards to come forwards again.  I've bounced around plenty through the stages!  Another resource I've referred to time and again is this article, as it has allowed me to check on my own beliefs at any given time, especially when I've felt a sudden rush of emotions through some trigger.  It gives me a little perspective to understand what is going on internally for me and to work with that.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It's the ten beliefs that keep us stuck which have been my measuring stick on my progress in the earlier stages.  As I found that when my knowledge and understanding of the situation increased I gradually let go of them one by one.  It may be that you are still holding onto one or more.  Does this sound like a possibility to you?

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

As you said, the circumstances surrounding your NC probably have had an influence on you as the new r/s coupled with her moving to another country have fed into the situation.  It is understandable that her return is triggering for you and the contact that you've had has had the same effect.  Perhaps this is a good thing to happen right now (as opposed to in several years!) as it is allowing you to look at where you are in your detaching and healing and consider what needs you have to address for yourself?  I believe everything happens for a reason and we can take lessons from it all.  Do you refer to the lessons?  What you will find is it's normal to sometimes move a little backwards to come forwards again.  I've bounced around plenty through the stages!  Another resource I've referred to time and again is this article, as it has allowed me to check on my own beliefs at any given time, especially when I've felt a sudden rush of emotions through some trigger.  It gives me a little perspective to understand what is going on internally for me and to work with that.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It's the ten beliefs that keep us stuck which have been my measuring stick on my progress in the earlier stages.  As I found that when my knowledge and understanding of the situation increased I gradually let go of them one by one.  It may be that you are still holding onto one or more.  Does this sound like a possibility to you?

Love and light x

Yes I think you right and I am holding onto a few of these. I haven't read this for quite some time and thank you for reminding me it was there. I know that I cling to the words she said to me back in November and how  within 2 weeks of saying those words I was discarded! I do still find that hard. However, 7 months ago every single one of those 10 beliefs were keeping me stuck and now not all are (or so I think) so some healing has taken place?
I certainly know what it feels like to take steps backwards... .I often say those very words to good friends 'I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards!' And I guess these events have triggered some of that again. But with every step backwards I know I need to move forwards again and somehow I do.
Do you think the call was made on purpose? Is it a common thing to happen?
I know I need to not think of it as I know I have no control over it but it does mess with the head some.
Thank you for listening and responding

[happendtome]

You will never gone know the right answer (even if she would say something, sometimes later), but i would say that this call came accidentally from her.

However, i think she was watching and thinking about you. She may have thought about deleting, regretting... .whatever really, but at that moment she was thinking about you and your profile was open. But its not that hard to touch call button on smartphone. I have done it. Accidentally.

Now, we all think sometimes about times we had with someone and it doesnt mean always (barely ever if time lengths grow) recycling. It may be some nostalgic moment in our lives what gets our memories fresh. Its normal. I have thought about my former relationships, sometimes i even want to know how they are doing, but im not thinking about recycling. Its just that moment. I never reach out to them and it doesnt matter that my past relationships have ended very well (except this last one, but even that last one ended without any bad words). The point is that we have to move on. At one point you just need to stand up and finish this drama. You need to move on. You think its hard? You are wrong. Your life is hard when you have to fight for food, fight for survival, thats hard. Missing some dramaqueen isnt hard life.

Accept that she is gone. Its easier than you think once you get commited to LC/NC. My LC/NC has done miracles. Dont waste your time, shut that door and throw that damn key away.

[KtotheK]

You will never gone know the right answer (even if she would say something, sometimes later), but i would say that this call came accidentally from her.

However, i think she was watching and thinking about you. She may have thought about deleting, regretting... .whatever really, but at that moment she was thinking about you and your profile was open. But its not that hard to touch call button on smartphone. I have done it. Accidentally.

Now, we all think sometimes about times we had with someone and it doesnt mean always (barely ever if time lengths grow) recycling. It may be some nostalgic moment in our lives what gets our memories fresh. Its normal. I have thought about my former relationships, sometimes i even want to know how they are doing, but im not thinking about recycling. Its just that moment. I never reach out to them and it doesnt matter that my past relationships have ended very well (except this last one, but even that last one ended without any bad words). The point is that we have to move on. At one point you just need to stand up and finish this drama. You need to move on. You think its hard? You are wrong. Your life is hard when you have to fight for food, fight for survival, thats hard. Missing some dramaqueen isnt hard life.

Accept that she is gone. Its easier than you think once you get commited to LC/NC. My LC/NC has done miracles. Dont waste your time, shut that door and throw that damn key away.

Thank you for your reply. And I agree that she may well have been thinking about me, enough I guess to even be in my whatsapp contact. It used to be far easier to accidentally call when the profile pic was next to the call button (she has also done this in the past) and so I am dubious about it being an accident. But, rightly so, I am never going to know and I need to take the view point that it was and she was thinking / reminiscing / feeling guilty / wanting to delete my number ... .I guess the list is endless and I am NEVER going to know. It angers me in some respects because I have maintained NC ... she hasn't. The apology text (as I see it was easing her conscience before her return?) and now this possible accident.
You are absolutely right that I need to put an end to this and I have been trying to do so. I didn't reply to the apology text and maintained NC as I believed a response may open the lines of communication. I will think about me as that should be my focus. If accident, it doesn't. Make any of this any easier. But on I will go. I appreciate your reply. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

It is possibe she was putting the feelers out to see if you would be in the running for a position as 'reserve'.  On the bench, so to speak.  What I'd suggest is that you think about the progress you clearly have made and ask yourself now if that fits with your own opinion of yourself.  Do you see yourself as worthy of being the front runner in a r/s and being the ONLY runner?  I believe you are worth that.  This is a testing moment for you and I can empathise.  I had an overt attempt to elicit sympathy in a way that I'd normally have been triggered.  At this point I knew that it was his plan, to stir up the feelings he'd known he could when we were together.  Unfortunately it failed for him as I'd had enough time and distance to see more clearly and begin to care more about myself.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves always.  Others in our lives will come and go - not always intentionally as there will be tragic losses, but we owe it to ourselves to maintain the love and care for ourselves throughout all of life's challenges so that we may face them with strength and perspective.   

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

It is possibe she was putting the feelers out to see if you would be in the running for a position as 'reserve'.  On the bench, so to speak.  What I'd suggest is that you think about the progress you clearly have made and ask yourself now if that fits with your own opinion of yourself.  Do you see yourself as worthy of being the front runner in a r/s and being the ONLY runner?  I believe you are worth that.  This is a testing moment for you and I can empathise.  I had an overt attempt to elicit sympathy in a way that I'd normally have been triggered.  At this point I knew that it was his plan, to stir up the feelings he'd known he could when we were together.  Unfortunately it failed for him as I'd had enough time and distance to see more clearly and begin to care more about myself.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves always.  Others in our lives will come and go - not always intentionally as there will be tragic losses, but we owe it to ourselves to maintain the love and care for ourselves throughout all of life's challenges so that we may face them with strength and perspective.   

Love and light x

Hi again

If I'm honest this was my first impression, that she was putting the feelers out to perhaps get a response - if not straight away from me, then maybe at some point? Perhaps stir up feelings within me etc. Well it had that affect but I suppose I have stood firm. Do I still care about her after all that's happened ? Yes I do. Do I still love her? The answer to that is also yes. But, like you so eloquently put, I also have to love myself and be there for me! It seems so easy to say, but I still do find it hard to think that I do deserve more. On I will go. And I will assume this was an accident and carry on looking after me.
Thank you so much x

[marti644]

But, like you so eloquently put, I also have to love myself and be there for me! It seems so easy to say, but I still do find it hard to think that I do deserve more. On I will go. And I will assume this was an accident and carry on looking after me.

Bravo KtotheK! I applaud your insight and hope to be able to have such a graceful, healthy, and honest approach if I am ever contacted again! Thank you for sharing!

Regards, Marti

[KtotheK]

Bravo KtotheK! I applaud your insight and hope to be able to have such a graceful, healthy, and honest approach if I am ever contacted again! Thank you for sharing!

Regards, Marti

Thank you so much Marti! I think it's prob the best way to be - honest. I felt so silly posting about this, but then thought, it's these types of things that really test and trigger. It has certainly, certainly done that to me. I appreciate your words immensely. I don't feel particularly graceful haha but I'm just trying to move myself along as honestly and as sincerely as I possibly can. Posting here has certainly helped and for that I am so grateful.

Thank you all

[Unsureofmyself]

Hello
I've also had a similar situation to you. It literally drives you crazy I have received 1 missed FaceTime call on Friday last week and the same again today this morning however both went unanswered by me and as missed calls. I put the first one down to maybe being an accident and I am trying to put the second one down to being an accident also. If I tell myself this it makes me less hopeful and therefore makes it easier to move past it. It's so frustrating because these calls have come and precise times where I am in a state of not thinking about him which doesn't happen very often. It's honestly as if they have some sort of radar and think oh wait she's happy let me go and ___ all over it ! That's how it feels. Try and stay strong and continue to focus on yourself. I just keep thinking if he actually wanted to speak to me he'd leave a message or something and anything other than that I'm going to regard as an accidental call. Not that I want him to text me but the missed calls definitely trigger wonder and doubt. And I don't know if your the same as me but it feels good to think they want you to contact them even if you don't want to contact them it feels like you have the upper hand for once.

[KtotheK]

Hello
I've also had a similar situation to you. It literally drives you crazy I have received 1 missed FaceTime call on Friday last week and the same again today this morning however both went unanswered by me and as missed calls. I put the first one down to maybe being an accident and I am trying to put the second one down to being an accident also. If I tell myself this it makes me less hopeful and therefore makes it easier to move past it. It's so frustrating because these calls have come and precise times where I am in a state of not thinking about him which doesn't happen very often. It's honestly as if they have some sort of radar and think oh wait she's happy let me go and ___ all over it ! That's how it feels. Try and stay strong and continue to focus on yourself. I just keep thinking if he actually wanted to speak to me he'd leave a message or something and anything other than that I'm going to regard as an accidental call. Not that I want him to text me but the missed calls definitely trigger wonder and doubt. And I don't know if your the same as me but it feels good to think they want you to contact them even if you don't want to contact them it feels like you have the upper hand for once.

Wow! Two missed FaceTime calls! ! Very frustrating! And yes I defo think they have some sort of radar! Hang in there and do exactly what you have said to me... .think only of yourself in this situation. It is so so frustrating! And I know exactly what you mean about having the upper hand. I do feel the same too in a way. Almost like a small victory if that makes any sense. If done on purpose and we are not responding, I feel a small victory has been won kinda? We are not going to break NC and we are going to try and stay strong! Thank you for sharing and keep going!

[Harley Quinn]

I think you should feel extremely proud (I always did whenever there was an attempt to break NC and I didn't respond) as it takes real strength to not do what we always did.  As the saying goes... .If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.  Oh yes and the other... .To keep repeating the same actions and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity 

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

I think you should feel extremely proud (I always did whenever there was an attempt to break NC and I didn't respond) as it takes real strength to not do what we always did.  As the saying goes... .If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.  Oh yes and the other... .To keep repeating the same actions and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity 

Love and light x

Thank you
It's been a week and I'm still left wondering! However, for whatever reason I felt fairly strong last night and thought 'what the hell, I deserve better and more' I'm hoping I can keep thinking these thoughts! As we all know, these thoughts can come and go. I had deleted her number up to this point ... .I now have it again and need to do it all over again. That I struggle with? And a complete contradiction from what I just said! But I am finding it hard to delete.   I'll find a moment of strength (I hope) and do it. Thank you Harley Quinn

[Fishmedic]

Hey KtotheK
 
I'm going through the exact same situation right now, only she ended things in may, so only 2.5months of NC. She sent the big apology text last week out of the blue. She called first, i didnt answer. Thought the same thing, accident? Nope. However, i did reply to the message. Very short, no emotion, "thanks, i wish you the best". She is also still with the replacement, but sent me many more messages with it all "i love you's", "goodbye xoxo", "you wont hear from me again"... etc etc. She's now showing back up at the gym at the exact time i go. 4 times an counting as of this morning! Last Saturday she came in as i was leaving, and began caling me in the change room. It's all about putting out feelers, testing the waters. They want to secure a backup plan, because they know they can't maintain a healthy relationship for any extended period of time. In my case, i'm assuming the honeymoon is now coming to an end, and i'm sure there's no end in sight. However, now i won't reply. Because thats an open invitation to continue to play their games. After 6yrs, the game is over for me. Logically i know how damaging its been, and how i need to be away from her permanently. But as you eluded to, now i keep wondering, whens the next form of contact going to come?

[Unsureofmyself]

I know you said you struggle with deleting the number I've wrote his number down on a piece of paper and put it in my old bedroom of my mum and dads house. I know that if I desperately need his number again I can reach it but I also know I'd have to go there to message him which means I can never impulsively send anything to him I find this helps. Knowing you've still got it but it's not easily accessible. Keep going your doing great xx

[KtotheK]

Hey KtotheK
 
I'm going through the exact same situation right now, only she ended things in may, so only 2.5months of NC. She sent the big apology text last week out of the blue. She called first, i didnt answer. Thought the same thing, accident? Nope. However, i did reply to the message. Very short, no emotion, "thanks, i wish you the best". She is also still with the replacement, but sent me many more messages with it all "i love you's", "goodbye xoxo", "you wont hear from me again"... etc etc. She's now showing back up at the gym at the exact time i go. 4 times an counting as of this morning! Last Saturday she came in as i was leaving, and began caling me in the change room. It's all about putting out feelers, testing the waters. They want to secure a backup plan, because they know they can't maintain a healthy relationship for any extended period of time. In my case, i'm assuming the honeymoon is now coming to an end, and i'm sure there's no end in sight. However, now i won't reply. Because thats an open invitation to continue to play their games. After 6yrs, the game is over for me. Logically i know how damaging its been, and how i need to be away from her permanently. But as you eluded to, now i keep wondering, whens the next form of contact going to come?

Hey, wow that's got to have been tough for you. And you are doing well! Turning up at the gym etc and texting when still with the replacement! Mine hasn't been as persistent and I now question whether the call was indeed an accident as there has been no further contact. Or, because of my lack of response, they may have decided to not bother anymore? They are as far as I am aware with the replacement doing a long distance r/s. Replacement lives a couple
Of hours away. Unless they are now living closer to each other? So I'm assuming all is good there for them. It just makes me think lots cos this time last year there was a recycle and we started again. Stupidly in my head I think ... .well she's not bothering to contact since the 'call'  so maybe she has moved on and away from me completely, once and for all. Maybe the replacement is the perfect match ... .grrr its frustrating isn't it!  Mixed feelings!
My ex is undiagnosed and so I often wonder whether I am wrong but lots of signs. It's amazing isn't it how something like this can trigger so much. Hang in there

[KtotheK]

I know you said you struggle with deleting the number I've wrote his number down on a piece of paper and put it in my old bedroom of my mum and dads house. I know that if I desperately need his number again I can reach it but I also know I'd have to go there to message him which means I can never impulsively send anything to him I find this helps. Knowing you've still got it but it's not easily accessible. Keep going your doing great xx

I really do struggle! Still in my phone at the mo! I went to delete last night but again didn't - its crazy isn't it !
That's a great idea ... .thank you xx

[marti644]

I often wonder whether I am wrong but lots of signs.

It's amazing isn't it how something like this can trigger so much.

KtotheK I often wonder both of these things. The dysfunctions of my relationship made me constantly question my reality in ways I never had before. At times I felt like I was going crazy.

I have also been the subject of phone calls, social media stalking, etc. At first it triggered me deeply due to the deep bond (unhealthy trauma bond that is) my ex and I had.

I am not sure if this will help you but here is a few things that have helped me get perspective on both the reality and hypervigilance after my relationship:

My last long-relationship (previous to BPD-ex) was over two years. It was very serious and I ended it for a variety of reasons, including cyclical fighting patterns, a intuition that she didn't really love me but just wanted to be with someone, and her uncontrollable anger at times, especially in family situations. This ex wasn't as badly disordered as my BPD-ex, but she definitely had enough traits that I found undesirable in a long-term partner. It was very hard to end though and I felt terrible and guilty that I abandoned her. I found out shortly after we broke up that less than two weeks after we had split she was already in a serious relationship with someone else; they have been together for more than two years now. It was as if I never existed. We never had proper closure and she refused to attempt to reach a mature ending, hating me instead.

This validated why I broke up with her and followed my intuitions, but I was still devastated. In some ways I still haven't fully healed from the fact that I felt very used. There was a lot of ruminating and one day months later  I was looking at her pictures on social media showing a friend her with the new boyfriend. Due to my sausage fingers I inadvertently added her new boyfriend to facebook and liked the picture. I was horrified but the damage was done. Even though I know longer was friends with her she blocked me immediately.

Now if I was my ex what would I think? It likely triggered her badly and likely made me look like a complete psycho. I sure felt pretty stupid. But there was no intention behind it. It was a silly accident and I had no intention of getting back with her, even though I was still mourning the situation. Putting the actions into perspective when I did that helps be become less paranoid about my ex. If there is some sort of passive contact it doesn't mean that it is purposeful or has hidden meaning. I tend to think of it as an accident or slip-up, no different than many of us, when we slip up and contact them or stalk them even though we know deep down we do not ever want to get back together with them.

I applaud you taking back your power and moving past your triggers K. I don't know about you, but it gets easier and easier over time to see the relationship for what it was, not what I wanted to be. These lingering and strange after-effects both stalking or hypervigilance only validate for me how unhealthy the relationship was to cause such dysfunction in me. I can't believe the way I acted. This validates my decision not to go back.

Anyways thanks for sharing it really got me thinking.

KtotheK

[Skip]

After 6yrs, the game is over for me. Logically i know how damaging its been, and how i need to be away from her permanently. But as you eluded to, now i keep wondering, whens the next form of contact going to come?

I think you're smart. Once your partner moves on to another relationship, it's time to move on. If anyone (ex partner or new person) is putting out feelers to you when they are still seeing someone else, it's its more a sign or dysfunction than of love.

What's worse, asking someone to be a safety net (what you ex is doing) or signing on for it (what we do)?

Hang strong, guys.

[KtotheK]

KtotheK I often wonder both of these things. The dysfunctions of my relationship made me constantly question my reality in ways I never had before. At times I felt like I was going crazy.

I have also been the subject of phone calls, social media stalking, etc. At first it triggered me deeply due to the deep bond (unhealthy trauma bond that is) my ex and I had.

I am not sure if this will help you but here is a few things that have helped me get perspective on both the reality and hypervigilance after my relationship:

My last long-relationship (previous to BPD-ex) was over two years. It was very serious and I ended it for a variety of reasons, including cyclical fighting patterns, a intuition that she didn't really love me but just wanted to be with someone, and her uncontrollable anger at times, especially in family situations. This ex wasn't as badly disordered as my BPD-ex, but she definitely had enough traits that I found undesirable in a long-term partner. It was very hard to end though and I felt terrible and guilty that I abandoned her. I found out shortly after we broke up that less than two weeks after we had split she was already in a serious relationship with someone else; they have been together for more than two years now. It was as if I never existed. We never had proper closure and she refused to attempt to reach a mature ending, hating me instead.

This validated why I broke up with her and followed my intuitions, but I was still devastated. In some ways I still haven't fully healed from the fact that I felt very used. There was a lot of ruminating and one day months later  I was looking at her pictures on social media showing a friend her with the new boyfriend. Due to my sausage fingers I inadvertently added her new boyfriend to facebook and liked the picture. I was horrified but the damage was done. Even though I know longer was friends with her she blocked me immediately.

Now if I was my ex what would I think? It likely triggered her badly and likely made me look like a complete psycho. I sure felt pretty stupid. But there was no intention behind it. It was a silly accident and I had no intention of getting back with her, even though I was still mourning the situation. Putting the actions into perspective when I did that helps be become less paranoid about my ex. If there is some sort of passive contact it doesn't mean that it is purposeful or has hidden meaning. I tend to think of it as an accident or slip-up, no different than many of us, when we slip up and contact them or stalk them even though we know deep down we do not ever want to get back together with them.

I applaud you taking back your power and moving past your triggers K. I don't know about you, but it gets easier and easier over time to see the relationship for what it was, not what I wanted to be. These lingering and strange after-effects both stalking or hypervigilance only validate for me how unhealthy the relationship was to cause such dysfunction in me. I can't believe the way I acted. This validates my decision not to go back.

Anyways thanks for sharing it really got me thinking.

KtotheK

Hey marti! Good to hear from you. And what you have written certainly makes sense and rings true with me! I have come to think it was an accident and not an overt attempt to get contact as such. I don't think she wants to reconcile or recycle with me. I do think she may be feeling some guilt and I do believe I am someone she would never want to fall out with as it were. I do think for however  long (or short lived) she would hate to think that I am upset with her or do not want to have any contact? I do know she thinks I have good morals etc and am a 'nice' person and so I think I don't think she'd like to think that I'm angry with her. Maybe the 'missed call' was a way of saying here is my number if you could ever talk ... .and NOT the fact that she is attempting to recycle ... .perhaps the passive contact you suggest? Unless I am barking up the wrong tree?

It does cause dysfunction in me and I neee to assess and realise the fact that it is not healthy !
I have reflected for so long about time being a healer and this has now gone on for 2 years ish.  At some point, I neee to remove myself from the equation... .not overthink but just feel and think ONLY of me. Not what she is doing/thinking/feeling/who she is with etc etc . Time, strength and being kind to myself. We can all do this ! Thank you for your thoughts ... .they make a lot of sense

[KtotheK]

I think you're smart. Once your partner moves on to another relationship, it's time to move on. If anyone (ex partner or new person) is putting out feelers to you when they are still seeing someone else, it's its more a sign or dysfunction than of love.

What's worse, asking someone to be a safety net (what you ex is doing) or signing on for it (what we do)?

Hang strong, guys.

Very, very true. I don't want to be the substitute or the reserve. I want to be the only one and the only runner as it were in the r/s. Not the fall back! I know I deserve that.
Thank you