Staying Grounded - A Path to Recovery

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my ex with BPD and I have been divorced over a year now; separated about 20 months. We do have contact as we have children together (50/50) and our relation between us seems to be fairly good (still blocked on FB though). There are times we I look back on the good memories and think maybe I can have one more go at this. But there is a story that keeps me grounded, among all the other instances; it is the one I remember when I having feeling of reconciliation. I thought I would share this story so perhaps you can find your own and a path to healing.

When I first met her, she had two cats which she adored. They had been part of her family for a several years. I remember visiting her and while she loved them, she would at times treat them cruelly. Shove them off the bed, not clean up after their mess, etc. When we moved (and we always seemed to be in a state of flux) the new house had numerous neighborhood cats. It wasn't long before our two cats starting bringing fleas into the house. Well, actually it was quite bad-we would wake up with flea bites every morning. This caused her to rage and instill hatred upon her pets. She decided she had enough and rid them at once at the local shelter. I told her, we can get some flea medicine and try some different things. But she had enough, they were causing too much pain and no other solution would be viable in her mind. There was no discussion. And off they went--gone. She would think about them from time to time and cry. Even once said, we could have probably did something else instead of getting rid of them.

I remember that day; and knew some deep inside I would be treated the same as those two cats. I would be disposable if I caused on indirect pain. And incidentally, this wasn't the first 'cat' given up. It is a story of parallels and it reminds me of how little I have to do with much of went on between us.

Cheers all.

[tryingsome]

So my ex with BPD and I have been divorced over a year now; separated about 20 months. We do have contact as we have children together (50/50) and our relation between us seems to be fairly good (still blocked on FB though). There are times we I look back on the good memories and think maybe I can have one more go at this. But there is a story that keeps me grounded, among all the other instances; it is the one I remember when I having feeling of reconciliation. I thought I would share this story so perhaps you can find your own and a path to healing.

When I first met her, she had two cats which she adored. They had been part of her family for a several years. I remember visiting her and while she loved them, she would at times treat them cruelly. Shove them off the bed, not clean up after their mess, etc. When we moved (and we always seemed to be in a state of flux) the new house had numerous neighborhood cats. It wasn't long before our two cats starting bringing fleas into the house. Well, actually it was quite bad-we would wake up with flea bites every morning. This caused her to rage and instill hatred upon her pets. She decided she had enough and rid them at once at the local shelter. I told her, we can get some flea medicine and try some different things. But she had enough, they were causing too much pain and no other solution would be viable in her mind. There was no discussion. And off they went--gone. She would think about them from time to time and cry. Even once said, we could have probably did something else instead of getting rid of them.

I remember that day; and knew some deep inside I would be treated the same as those two cats. I would be disposable if I caused on indirect pain. And incidentally, this wasn't the first 'cat' given up. It is a story of parallels and it reminds me of how little I have to do with much of went on between us.

Cheers all.

[Harley Quinn]

Did you find out if the cats went to good homes?  I am heartbroken for them!  It's a great story to keep you grounded, you're right.  Thanks so much for sharing.

Love and light x

[Caboose]

Yes, thank you for sharing that story. I am two months removed from my exBPDgf and am struggling with not communicating with her right now.

I remember so clearly seeing the way she treated her ex-wife very early in our relationship and thinking, "She's going to treat you that way one day too." 

... .that and this... .

She hit the roof one evening because she pulled into the driveway and texted me in the house to see if I wanted to go for a drive in her new car. Yup! Apparently, it took me 9 (nine) minutes to say "yup" and until I was in the car with her.

Those are my "be strong" memories.

[roberto516]

Wow. Thanks for the perspective. When we were together her yoga teacher had to get rid of her cat. My ex wanted it and I had no problem. The cat hid under the bed for the whole weekend (which I told her it would). Laying on the couch 2 days later and her teacher comes over to take the cat back. My ex had given up on it because it didn't do what she expected it to and it woke up at night to meow and get attention. Naturally, the sucker empath I am, I stayed up all night with the cat to make it feel comfortable. She didn't even tell me she was giving it up. No discussion. Just a "well it's technically my place and you aren't here every night so I did what I had to do."

Next we got a dog together. The dog wasn't house trained like we thought. I could see the total betrayal and failed expectations she had from the dog. So when we broke up I took it with me. Even before the breakup she would ask me at times if I could take the dog with me if I wasn't going to stay over because she was afraid it would make a mess in the house. How did she hope me to accomplish this? To come over after work, grab the dog, drive 45 minutes home to drop the dog off at my parents, and then one day do it again in reverse.

And you're right. The same thing happened to me and to probably a lot of us. The second I started to disappoint and she realized I wasn't going to be the 100% giver anymore I was discarded.

Thanks for the reminder. Things like this keep it as a gentle reminder of what really awaited any of us who stayed.

[blueblue12]

Tryingsome I also feel like you. Things were coming my way and I could not do anything about it. It was sealed. I felt that I was the culprit, I was too "controlling, insecure, etc... ." but now I have come to the realisation that it was not like that at all and I am not to blame for the disrailment. She decided I was a bad guy and that was it, I was discarded. Later on she changed her mind, she came back, I was the "greatest love of her life, couldn't live without me, thinks about me everyday, loves me, etc, etc." The trouble is that kind of turnaround to me does not make sense at all. This is after destroying what we had, engaging in a new relationship that went quickly soured, "he was terrible, selfish" apparently and then it was back to me, I am great again! Trouble is once you loose trust is hard to come back and believe again, too many horrible times endured.

[prof]

Your story sounds familiar!

One of the big things that first attracted me to my uBPDw was her love of animals.  She had a cat and a dog and worked at the local pet store.  She seemed to have this ability to make any animal love her.

Now we have 5 cats and a dog, plus 3 reptiles and a bunch of foster kittens for a local rescue.  (She wants to keep one of the kittens, too.)  I do the lion's share of the feeding, cleaning litter, taking them to the vet, etc.  I've also initially said no to each and every animal we have.  And each and every time, she's worn me down, promising to do more to take care of them, which she never does.

And she can't stand them.  If a cat walks over her in bed or knocks something over or the dog barks, she freaks out, yelling and swearing at them.  I can't count the number of times she's asked me to get rid of them.

One time we did actually did get rid of a cat.  Back when uBPDw was working at the pet store, a lady came in looking for someone to take care of her cat for a few months while she went out of state to live with her daughter while undergoing cancer treatment (or something like that).  Without my consent, uBPDw agreed.

This cat (whose name we never found out -- we just called her "No Name" did not get along with our cats.  (We had 4 at the time.)  Constant growling, screeching, fighting, etc.

We put up with it for a month or two.  But one night, uBPDw (who was pregnant with our son at the time) had had enough.  I ended up driving the cat to the humane society at like 4 am and leaving her outside in a carrier.  I still feel terrible about doing this.