Every now and then, I get to look right into my uBPDbf's head. Weird scary stuff goes on in there! Thought I'd share... .
He woke up on Tuesday claiming he was having "brain attacks"... .whatever that is.
He told me what happens during these "attacks"... .
Whenever he has a good day (like he had the day before), his brain insists the next day will be bad, and he's filled with dread. His brain looks for things to worry about. Searches for the next problem. Tells him he's no good and doesn't deserve anything good in life. So he becomes "desperate to create a problem" bc he solved them all yesterday! Says his brain is "mean" but he HAS to listen to it. He has no choice. It's a "hell of my own making", "a nightmare I can't wake up from".
He knows it's irrational and has a self-fulfilling effect. But he can't control it. He soothed himself as he was saying all this when he said it doesn't happen that often. That he's mostly overcome it. But when it comes back he has to fight it off. Not give in. This makes him feel like a "loose cannon" and want to avoid people.
Wow, such self-awareness! Then he abruptly wanted to end the conversation. Said he didn't want to talk about it anymore... .but then kept talking about it... .then got mad at me for making him talk about it! Like a child, said he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. Ever!
I was kind and supportive, wished him a good day. He called me a dozen times after - to talk more about his brain! So much for never speaking to me again. Poor sweet man. I told him I'm sorry you're going thru that (support)... .sounds scary and awful (empathy)... .can you find a way to block that out and listen to the rational side of your brain? It sounds like there's a part that's lying to you right now. (truth)
I can't believe that worked!
His reply: I know. I'll be ok, right? Do you think I'm crazy now? It's not my fault.
I replied: of course not. You're having a rough time now, but I have faith you will get thru it. You did it before. You got this. I'm here if you need me.
I guess his brain has stopped 'attacking' him now. He seems back to his old self... .the sweet, funny, moody, grumpy, quick-tempered fun lil bear he can be.
