What to do?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was in a serious relationship with someone with BPD for about 10 months, to keep this as confidential as possible which means blander than what it could be. 
I'm wondering where to begin, perhaps a little bit of background.  We have known each other since we where kids, and we where pretty much the closest you could be to best friends without actually being best friends.  She is and was beautiful, extremely charismatic, and artistic.  I viewed this as perfect in every way but I never saw the true her.  It started out great, life was great, and I never felt more loved.  I felt as though we understood each other completely and that we had a connection with each other that was "different."  But things started seeping in, it started with her breaking down crying out of nowhere, throwing a glass for no reason across a room, minor things which in hindsight should have been red flags.  Gradually it became more and more prevalent, there was less and less affection, more and more irritability and she would take it out on me for minor things.  I will confess I was confused and upset when this would happen, but I was more concerned about making her comfortable.  Eventually went on a trip, I confessed to a friend prior to going that I was thinking of breaking up with her, and explained to her why.  I was told the relationship was unhealthy, and honestly I agree.  I remember the night before we left she treated her pet better than treating me, it's extremely humiliating being compared to a guinea pig in a negative light.  We went on the trip, and I remember it was relatively good but more than once she shut down and did her pouty face of disappointment . . . again we where on vacation, and she shut down because things where not perfect.  Eventually I signed a lease for a nearby apartment, i have a steady professional job and put a lot of thought into doing it prior to actually doing it.  A few weeks later we had probably the quintessential moment of the relationship.  I showed up and she was completely lovey dovey, and I felt incredible.  I lifted something in a way she did not like, her mood changed from loving to anger.  She started throwing things, and screaming at me . . . I left there completely in a daze I was shell shocked.  She apologized maybe 30 minutes after we met somewhere, but then by the time I got home she had reverted back to where she was prior.  Then it was her birthday several weeks later, I put a lot of thought into it trying to make it the best gift I could give her.  I wanted to make it special, but a few days after I started receiving calls at work of her just calling herself a stupid whale along with much worse.  Thats when I made the decision to end it.  I lost a pseudo best friend, a girlfriend, and all of the friends I had made with her as she slandered me.  In fact some of her friends went as far as harassing me.

It has now been between 7 and 12 months since then.  Truth be told I am still mad, and upset but I recognize I played a role in what happened.  I was codependent, I cared more about how she was feeling than myself and it showed.  I recognize that now, I recognize just how unhealthy it was and that the focus of the relationship was her emotions rather than us.  This was a mistake, and I should have also listened to the other red flags. 

Since then I have started living for myself, I've taken up an absolutely beautiful hobby that I greatly enjoy, I've been reading more, going and doing things for myself, I've gone on several amazing trips on my own, and I have nothing blocking my professional ambitions.  I have also never been more confident in my body as I have been gained weight while losing inches around my waist, I'm faster than I have ever been, better at the sports I play, and all around healthier.  Essentially doing everything that I should have been doing since the breakup, meeting new people, and taking care of myself.  Yet I feel so empty and I don't know why.

I have had virtually no support since the breakup, not from friends, or family.  My friends always seem to be busy . . . yet I'm willing to make time for them.  Some of them respond to my texts maybe once a month if even that.  Some are better than others at getting back to me, or doing things.  I try not to be clingy, and I'd like to think I'm fun to hang out with yet it seems like the chances of seeing them are getting slimmer and slimmer.  I understand we are adults, and busy but I would make time for them.  Same goes for my family, they dont even make time to see me.  I don't understand it, and I feel valueless.  It's caused me to reconnect with my ex, but it seems the irritability has crept over from before.  I know the true her yet everybody seems to think I was the evil one in the relationship. 

Now she is seeing other people, going on dates and I see her all peppy every time.  I never see that, how is it that the person who broke my heart can get guys so easily?  Yet it is so hard for me, I'm generally a positive person, at the least decent looking if not good looking, I'm witty, stable, and a good talker yet nobody I see wants to stick around at all, and my friends and family dont seem to want to stick around either.

So what do I do?  I feel completely valueless despite doing "Everything right" according to my therapist.  I'm no closer to dealing with the loneliness, and am not sure that I will ever be with someone again . . . not for lack of trying.  I recognize my own flaws in the relationship, and have strived to correct them or at least better understand them.  I have taken up hobbies and expanded my horizons in multiple ways yet none of this helps eliminate the heartbreak.  Logically I know she is no better than she was when we where together, she has lost multiple friends due to her own bad behavior since, but it still hurts to see her doing what we once did with other guys.  So how do I get the support I need?  Did I handle this correctly?  What do I need to do to be at peace?  I honestly don't know. 

Sorry for the long read,

Nitro

[Nitro3317]

I was in a serious relationship with someone with BPD for about 10 months, to keep this as confidential as possible which means blander than what it could be. 
I'm wondering where to begin, perhaps a little bit of background.  We have known each other since we where kids, and we where pretty much the closest you could be to best friends without actually being best friends.  She is and was beautiful, extremely charismatic, and artistic.  I viewed this as perfect in every way but I never saw the true her.  It started out great, life was great, and I never felt more loved.  I felt as though we understood each other completely and that we had a connection with each other that was "different."  But things started seeping in, it started with her breaking down crying out of nowhere, throwing a glass for no reason across a room, minor things which in hindsight should have been red flags.  Gradually it became more and more prevalent, there was less and less affection, more and more irritability and she would take it out on me for minor things.  I will confess I was confused and upset when this would happen, but I was more concerned about making her comfortable.  Eventually went on a trip, I confessed to a friend prior to going that I was thinking of breaking up with her, and explained to her why.  I was told the relationship was unhealthy, and honestly I agree.  I remember the night before we left she treated her pet better than treating me, it's extremely humiliating being compared to a guinea pig in a negative light.  We went on the trip, and I remember it was relatively good but more than once she shut down and did her pouty face of disappointment . . . again we where on vacation, and she shut down because things where not perfect.  Eventually I signed a lease for a nearby apartment, i have a steady professional job and put a lot of thought into doing it prior to actually doing it.  A few weeks later we had probably the quintessential moment of the relationship.  I showed up and she was completely lovey dovey, and I felt incredible.  I lifted something in a way she did not like, her mood changed from loving to anger.  She started throwing things, and screaming at me . . . I left there completely in a daze I was shell shocked.  She apologized maybe 30 minutes after we met somewhere, but then by the time I got home she had reverted back to where she was prior.  Then it was her birthday several weeks later, I put a lot of thought into it trying to make it the best gift I could give her.  I wanted to make it special, but a few days after I started receiving calls at work of her just calling herself a stupid whale along with much worse.  Thats when I made the decision to end it.  I lost a pseudo best friend, a girlfriend, and all of the friends I had made with her as she slandered me.  In fact some of her friends went as far as harassing me.

It has now been between 7 and 12 months since then.  Truth be told I am still mad, and upset but I recognize I played a role in what happened.  I was codependent, I cared more about how she was feeling than myself and it showed.  I recognize that now, I recognize just how unhealthy it was and that the focus of the relationship was her emotions rather than us.  This was a mistake, and I should have also listened to the other red flags. 

Since then I have started living for myself, I've taken up an absolutely beautiful hobby that I greatly enjoy, I've been reading more, going and doing things for myself, I've gone on several amazing trips on my own, and I have nothing blocking my professional ambitions.  I have also never been more confident in my body as I have been gained weight while losing inches around my waist, I'm faster than I have ever been, better at the sports I play, and all around healthier.  Essentially doing everything that I should have been doing since the breakup, meeting new people, and taking care of myself.  Yet I feel so empty and I don't know why.

I have had virtually no support since the breakup, not from friends, or family.  My friends always seem to be busy . . . yet I'm willing to make time for them.  Some of them respond to my texts maybe once a month if even that.  Some are better than others at getting back to me, or doing things.  I try not to be clingy, and I'd like to think I'm fun to hang out with yet it seems like the chances of seeing them are getting slimmer and slimmer.  I understand we are adults, and busy but I would make time for them.  Same goes for my family, they dont even make time to see me.  I don't understand it, and I feel valueless.  It's caused me to reconnect with my ex, but it seems the irritability has crept over from before.  I know the true her yet everybody seems to think I was the evil one in the relationship. 

Now she is seeing other people, going on dates and I see her all peppy every time.  I never see that, how is it that the person who broke my heart can get guys so easily?  Yet it is so hard for me, I'm generally a positive person, at the least decent looking if not good looking, I'm witty, stable, and a good talker yet nobody I see wants to stick around at all, and my friends and family dont seem to want to stick around either.

So what do I do?  I feel completely valueless despite doing "Everything right" according to my therapist.  I'm no closer to dealing with the loneliness, and am not sure that I will ever be with someone again . . . not for lack of trying.  I recognize my own flaws in the relationship, and have strived to correct them or at least better understand them.  I have taken up hobbies and expanded my horizons in multiple ways yet none of this helps eliminate the heartbreak.  Logically I know she is no better than she was when we where together, she has lost multiple friends due to her own bad behavior since, but it still hurts to see her doing what we once did with other guys.  So how do I get the support I need?  Did I handle this correctly?  What do I need to do to be at peace?  I honestly don't know. 

Sorry for the long read,

Nitro

[roberto516]

I have taken up hobbies and expanded my horizons in multiple ways yet none of this helps eliminate the heartbreak

So how do I get the support I need?  :)id I handle this correctly?  What do I need to do to be at peace?  I honestly don't know.  

Welcome nitro. I'm sorry this is still something you are struggling with despite your best efforts. I too know the feeling.

It makes perfect sense why none of those things are helping to eliminate the heartbreak. This is always very difficult to balance during recovery but it's worth figuring out whether I'm doing all these new things or old hobbies just as a way to occupy my time from my emotions until they can go away for enough time that I don't have to worry about them.

I guess in a nutshell I'd ask you "do you think you have really taken the time to feel your heartache?"

As to the support, it can be hard. These relationships are different no matter how long or short they were. It can be tough to find people who really understand. Which is why I think you came to the right place.

I can only speak for me. But finding peace for me will be accepting that this is over because I realize it's not something that I deserved. Some days I'm there (almost the majority of the day now) but other time I regress. So I'll ask you "What would peace look like for you?"

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Nitro and Welcome!  

I'd like to join roberto in saying I feel you've come to the right place too.  I think you'll get exactly the support and help that you need here.  We have guidance on the process of detaching and healing to the right of the board and I'd recommend you give this a read (see Lessons).  Also I love some of the articles within the self help materials, which there's a link to on the right as well.

It sounds like you've filled your time and expanded your personal care admirably.  Have you allowed yourself to grieve your relationship within that?  We can help on that and you'll find that the other members on these boards will be able to relate to what you're going through, so you will soon see you are not alone in this.

Writing things down can be really cathartic to get those feelings out and there's no better place than here to write if you also want help to work with those feelings, so post away and we'll be here for you.

Love and light x  

  

[Nitro3317]

Thank you Harley Quinn, and Roberto for the replies.

To answer your question I believe I have but it never seems to go away completely, there is always that nagging question of could I have made it work, or what I could have done differently that would make it work.  I know that point is moot, and that there was probably nothing I could do but its still there in the back of my mind.  Honestly I'm doing them because I know I need to, there was a period of months where I was just sitting in my apartment with a broken heart that did actually physically hurt continuously.  I could not deal with that anymore, and I realized I had to move on.  So I started doing things I enjoyed, trying to meet new people, and doing new things.  I honestly don't know how I could have grieved more, or if I'm still in that process.  But I can tell you that I may be doing great for days to a week or two, and then something reminds me of what happened and I begin ruminating all over again.  So if I have not processed the grief how do I go about that?

[roberto516]

Thank you Harley Quinn, and Roberto for the replies.

To answer your question I believe I have but it never seems to go away completely, there is always that nagging question of could I have made it work, or what I could have done differently that would make it work.  I know that point is moot, and that there was probably nothing I could do but its still there in the back of my mind.  Honestly I'm doing them because I know I need to, there was a period of months where I was just sitting in my apartment with a broken heart that did actually physically hurt continuously.  I could not deal with that anymore, and I realized I had to move on.  So I started doing things I enjoyed, trying to meet new people, and doing new things.  I honestly don't know how I could have grieved more, or if I'm still in that process.  But I can tell you that I may be doing great for days to a week or two, and then something reminds me of what happened and I begin ruminating all over again.  So if I have not processed the grief how do I go about that?

Thanks for shedding more light on the situation. This is just my two cents. Not a law or fact. First, if you equate this to an addiction there will be some post acute withdrawal symptoms. A google search on the matter could give you insight into why you just have these "dips" in mood and thoughts, etc. They can last upwards of 2 years. That has helped me normalize what I'm going through. To be able to tell myself in so many words "This is just my brain re-wiring itself to be better" can take some of the negative aspects say.

Also, in my time I think that people confuse thinking with feeling. I'm not saying this is you but if I was in your shoes this might be holding me back. I too sat in my house for a very long time and couldn't do anything or find any motivation for life. but what was running in my head was "If only this." "I miss her." "I hate her." "How could she do this?" "Where did I go wrong?" "What's she doing right now?" etc etc. I wasn't grieving... .I was thinking.

One more time . This is only what has helped me and I do not know if this is your situation. But I had to actually find my grief. I had to identify that I was feeling sad. Then I had to figure out why I was really sad. It wasn't because of her. It was because of my deep inner wound that fears abandonment or rejection. I then tell myself that and then I allow it to be let go of myself. If you notice in this example I don't even have a thought about her. i will go through my head and say. "I'm sad right now. I'm sad because I experienced a loss. That's okay. But I know where the loss and pain comes from. But I am not a child anymore who has to react the same way. It's okay I'm sad and now I'll let it go for a while."

The same can be done when I feel anxious if my mind wanders or anger, so on and so forth. I just backtrack to the source while identifying the feeling and then accepting and letting go.

Hope any of this helps if there is anything here you see that could be relevant.

[allienoah]

roberto516 I really like the method of admitting you are sad, why and then let it go. That is a great example of self-awareness! Sounds like something that I would really like to attempt, as I tend to get caught up in the "me-bashing" ie. I wasn't good enough, or I should have tried X. I KNOW I am very good and I have tried so much. The symptoms are very much like a withdrawal from what I read. I have never gone through any other type of withdrawal so it is hard for me to relate. But, this is bad enough. The trouble comes when we just want to stop the pain and so we open ourselves to the recycle. Recognizing how we feel and allowing it to pass would be tremendously helpful in avoiding this relapse.