left me hanging

[Caboose]

After a year and a half relationship we broke up in May 2017 and broke our longest no contact of 2 weeks last Saturday.

My exBPDgf had occasion to communicate a message to me on Saturday and after pleasantries, she mentioned she was "disgruntled" with how I broke up with her. When she used that word, I was struck and invited dialogue if she wanted - either email or phone call. More than a day later she sent me a long email with her reality of how the relationship deteriorated and how we broke-up. And she added new-to-me information about how horribly I treated her during the break up process. None of which was remotely familiar to me, but I couldn't imagine she would lie and fabricate stories. Days after we broke- up my brother committed suicide and I ended up on Lorazepam. Well, apparently Lorazepam can cause hostility, agitation and amnesia! I do not remember treating her horribly, but she said I did ... .I have absolutely no recollection of it, but I believe her. I went back to her email, which was pretty simply a series of statements of fact, and itemized apologies when necessary; sometimes profusely. I was so overcome with how she describes my behavior toward her, I sent three emails in reply. Each more apologetic than the previous. Now, two days later, all she has said is, "Im not ignoring you, I'm just thinking about what you said." At this point, I feel there is a deliberateness to her lack of response. I don't want to say, "Hey, do you accept my apology?" or ":)o you need to talk about this more?" I don't want to but I really want to but I don't want to get sucked back in.

Can someone offer some insight into what she may be thinking? Some information that I can hang onto so I don't get pulled back in (more than already?)

Thanks.

[roberto516]

I'll give my own experience as there are some similarities. After the relationship ended and my betrayal fears kicked up when she completely cut me off I said a lot of mean stuff. Stuff I'm not proud of. Before the recycle she was hesitant and kept saying "You said so many mean things to me." No amount of apology seemed to help. When she left me again she first said "I think we want different things" and when she couldn't explain what those things were she said "I guess I still have resentments."

Even before the breakup I had said something once or twice to her that she took as being very mean. Maybe she had reason to. But she never let that go either. It was always in the back of her mind and she only let me know this after the breakup.

Fast forward a month and she is flirting with a recycle again. She goes cold and I get very angry with her. I asked her to stop reaching out to me for support and flirting with the idea of getting back together because she would never stop resenting me. Her response was "Your right. This could never work again. I will never not resent you for what you said."

It seems similar. It also seems, for people with BPD traits especially, that words are real venom to them. In my ex' case, those words stung right to her core because it's what her mother did to her/still does to her. Not sure if your ex is similar. But if she is anything like mine, she will never forget those mean words. That's reliving what they never wanted. They wanted a perfect partner/parent and once that perfect person becomes mean to them the image is shattered and, in my experience, no trust or desire to be together can ever come back for any real duration or substance.

[Caboose]

Thanks. Everything you have said sounds familiar. Especially the part about venomous words.

I should probably just feel I did what I thought was right, if she can't/won't accept or not accept my apologies, that's on her.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi caboose,

The thing to be wary of is that even if on the surface she accepts the apologies and suggests moving forwards, the likelihood is that the incidents will never be forgotten and would potentially be brought up and used as ammunition over and over.  Where are you in yourself regards the relationship?  Would you be hoping for reconciliation or are you seeking closure?

Love and light x