She confused love with need

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My T said something that struck me.  She said some people don't know the difference between "love" and "need," and this has really gone a long way toward helping me make sense of my BPD experience. How could someone say they loved me so sincerely and yet show so much disregard for me? It never made sense. Now, when I replay conversations that my ex and I had in my head, I substitute the word "love" with "need" and her behavior makes perfect sense. When a pwBPD says "I love you," what they are really saying is "I need you."  Its why their "love" suddenly disappeared once their "needs" changed.  Its amazing how that one-word substitution can make such a foggy and confusing experience so crystal clear.

I'm stuck in a hate phase, to the point where most days I sincerely wish something terrible would happen to my ex. My T has suggested that I take my ex's "need" for me to mean that my ex did indeed value me in her own way, and that is something I can take consolation in. To be honest, though, this doesn't do much for me. If anything it only makes me hate my ex more, and makes me feel even more insulted. Am I supposed to be flattered that my ex found me valuable enough to use me for her own personal benefit until tossing me aside like garbage? My car is valuable to me in that it gets me around and life would be much harder if I didn't have it. I don't have to ask my car if would mind taking me somewhere. I don't have to consider my car's feelings because it doesn't have any. But I'm not a car or some inanimate object. I deserved better.

[Nuitari]

My T said something that struck me.  She said some people don't know the difference between "love" and "need," and this has really gone a long way toward helping me make sense of my BPD experience. How could someone say they loved me so sincerely and yet show so much disregard for me? It never made sense. Now, when I replay conversations that my ex and I had in my head, I substitute the word "love" with "need" and her behavior makes perfect sense. When a pwBPD says "I love you," what they are really saying is "I need you."  Its why their "love" suddenly disappeared once their "needs" changed.  Its amazing how that one-word substitution can make such a foggy and confusing experience so crystal clear.

I'm stuck in a hate phase, to the point where most days I sincerely wish something terrible would happen to my ex. My T has suggested that I take my ex's "need" for me to mean that my ex did indeed value me in her own way, and that is something I can take consolation in. To be honest, though, this doesn't do much for me. If anything it only makes me hate my ex more, and makes me feel even more insulted. Am I supposed to be flattered that my ex found me valuable enough to use me for her own personal benefit until tossing me aside like garbage? My car is valuable to me in that it gets me around and life would be much harder if I didn't have it. I don't have to ask my car if would mind taking me somewhere. I don't have to consider my car's feelings because it doesn't have any. But I'm not a car or some inanimate object. I deserved better.

[GlennT]

It took me years to remove the hate I felt. Now, I find consolation in the fact that they have always been that way, And always will be until the end. 

[Skip]

I don't know if this will help, but it is a different angle to look at what happened.

This was a military wife affair.

Affairs are complex relationships of need and fantasy. Military wife affairs are even more complex. Being a military wife can be a beat down.

~Military husbands often put duty first — not their marriages. God, Country, and Corps.
~Military husbands are more likely to cheat than their deployed husbands.
~Military spouses can lose their sense of self
~Military spouses can have a harder time finding work than their partners who served.
~Military couples can’t plan anything in advance
~Homecomings might be happy, but they aren’t easy on either spouse.
~Married service members can’t share details of their work with their spouses, which can be frustrating to both partners.

We tell most members that affairs are adjunct relationships - she got some of her relationship needs from her husband and some from you - its  like three-legged stools - remove one leg and it falls.

Affairs are often about selfishness. This may be what you are picking up.

Was it using you and only to toss you aside later? Or was it fantasy and impulsiveness and not considering the consequences for all involved (which is a typical pwBPD M.O.)? Negligence vs maliciousness?

I'm stuck in a hate phase, to the point where most days I sincerely wish something terrible would happen to my ex.

... .like losing something she values - like a job.

Understanable.

[Nuitari]

I think, for me, it is the post-affair events that fuel so much of my anger. I can accept that the affair didn't go in my favor. That relationship, no matter how brief or unsustainable it was, could have still been very meaningful for me if she had done something to acknowledge that I was a human being with feelings. My T said the reason my ex remained so clingy to me after the affair had ended was most likely because there was some need that wasn't being met by her husband. So I was still valued by her because I provided encouragement and emotional support. So I guess that's supposed to give me warm feelings inside, but it doesn't. The problem is that it never seemed to matter to her that I was hurting so much, having to give up on the fantasy that she created for me, being whatever she needed me to be knowing that she was with him. I couldn't even talk about the pain she was keeping alive for me without her getting mad. She didn't want to hear it. I was there to make her feel better about herself and her own life. I wasn't allowed to have feelings of my own. And you know what it costs me, so no need for me to even go there again. Its hard not to feel used under these circumstances. She had no problem telling me to my face that she didn't give a damn about my feelings. My T talks a lot about forgiveness, but I feel like she's asking the impossible of me. I just don't know how to forgive someone who can be so... .inhuman.

[Nuitari]

Here's the point I'm trying to make here I guess. My T suggested that I try to put a positive spin on what happened by seeing my ex's clingy and extremely needy behavior as a sign that I was still valued by her. But if anything, the fact that it was all because she "needed me" leaves me feeling less valued, not more.

[Skip]

Going back to the stool... .you were one leg of her love life, and he was another. Togeher, you both represented a full relationship. Her husband was lacking in parts... .you supplied those parts. Those parts were very important to her and she took significant risks for them. I think this is what your T is saying.

They were so meaningful to her, that even after the break, she still reached for you.

This is what affairs are. Or this is all affairs are. And you were lacking for parts, just like the husband. She was in a compartmentalized relationship with you - it was fantasy and escape for her.  She most likely thought that you told here that understood and accepted the same fantasy.  

You were all in. You had needs that went beyond the "compartment" and the fantsay and she couldn't go there. She wasn't going to give up the other leg of the stool. That's were this got bad - she would have had to break the other stool leg to meet your needs down and her life would be devastated.

And it gets worse. The husband had to blame it on you (and retaliate) because it was easier than accepting betrayal from his wife when he was away. It was your fault.

I'm not defending anyone. Just painting the picture. I'm not saying that this should make you feel better. What I am saying is that when you are in an affair as the "all in" partner, it almost always ends in crash and burn... .regardless of the players.  

It's the nature or the game - no one can win - everyone loses. They both suffered significant losses, too.

[roberto516]

To just comment on the title of the post I would have to agree in my case. Sadly, I see all too clearly it was all about need and not love how I see it. It's why I remember telling her so many times "I feel like I can't be anything but happy around you." She didn't sign up for a relationship. She signed up to be with someone who made her feel good at all times. She needed that.

When I was grieving I wasn't happy. She didn't know how to deal with that. It's sad at the end of the day. Like my therapist said "it sounds like she got what she wanted from you and decided to move on to find someone else eventually  who will fill her cup up."

[Nuitari]

Skip,

Your last post I think really hit the nail on the head. My ex once asked me if I was capable of "sharing" her with him. I said no way. I think this is why she kept me in the dark for so long about the status of her relationship with her husband. She knew I'd "abandon" her once I learned the truth and, like my T said, she couldn't allow that because she needed me. I'm to blame too for allowing to go on as long as it did. Some of the anger I feel is at myself for being so trusting and gullible. But I can't help but be angry at my ex or for feeling used. Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I think love has an unselfish component to it. I don't believe my ex could have been so dishonest to someone she loved. She doesn't know what love is. Its all about saying or doing whatever she has to to get her immediate needs met. That's not love. Its a sickness.

They both suffered significant losses, too.

I would be in a much better place if I could believe this. I'm not even sure he knows anything about the affair, just that a man was "pursuing" his wife. Its been a hard thing feeling so used and losing so much while keeping the horrible truth all to myself so that they can pick up with their lives where they left off.

Going back to your three-legged stool metaphor, I wonder what impact, if any, my going NC with her had on their marriage. One of the legs is gone. Now its a two-legged stool. I'm wondering what that's like. I wonder if she found another third leg, either through another affair or perhaps becoming overly attached and clingy to friends or anyone who will show her attention. Or perhaps she raised the bar on what she expects from him? 

[Nuitari]

To just comment on the title of the post I would have to agree in my case. Sadly, I see all too clearly it was all about need and not love how I see it. It's why I remember telling her so many times "I feel like I can't be anything but happy around you." She didn't sign up for a relationship. She signed up to be with someone who made her feel good at all times. She needed that.

When I was grieving I wasn't happy. She didn't know how to deal with that. It's sad at the end of the day. Like my therapist said "it sounds like she got what she wanted from you and decided to move on to find someone else eventually  who will fill her cup up."

This pretty much sums up my experience too. Whenever I saw my ex, I felt like I had to put on a fake smile for her and pretend that everything was fine, all for her benefit. Showing any emotions that didn't match whatever she was feeling at the time only made her mad at me. I wasn't allowed to have any other feelings. Before knowing my ex, I never would have imagined that there are people out there that can be that selfish. Its mind-boggling.

[JaxDK]

I can relate to pretty much everything in this thread sadly. When I was sick with the flue or something. She would be unable to accept it. She would either tell me she was sick too, to take focus off me or ignore/get moody about it. Yet she was sick very often with me taking care of her. No reciprocation what so ever. She needed me. She did not love

[OptimusRhyme]

This pretty much sums up my experience too. Whenever I saw my ex, I felt like I had to put on a fake smile for her and pretend that everything was fine, all for her benefit. Showing any emotions that didn't match whatever she was feeling at the time only made her mad at me. I wasn't allowed to have any other feelings. Before knowing my ex, I never would have imagined that there are people out there that can be that selfish. Its mind-boggling.

A thought that helped me detach and move from anger to compassion - my ex carries that ___tiness (or lack of skill, or need, or however you wanna judge it) with her to every situation she's involved in. As much as I hurt and stewed from having been (and allowed myself to be) treated so poorly, I was now free to go back to forming and enjoying nurturing, supporting relationships.

Fallacy of sunk costs metaphor - you can never collect on the emotional debt you feel she owes you . But you have the ability to make way more emotional money than you will ever need - she doesn't seem to have that ability, and that's incredibly sad.