Coping after break up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, everyone,
I'm feeling blown away right now. After 7 years, my partner (who also has bipolar disorder) moved 200 miles away and ended it. He said he worked on our relationship for a solid year with his therapist, but I was just "too closed off" so he had to end it. He seems to have no concept of how mean he was and how little he did to help around the house. He left his things everywhere, was always on his phone or laptop, and almost never lifted a finger to help with anything. I was told I was loved, but I didn't feel it.

I've been really struggling, so I did a quick search on "borderline personality disorder broke up with me," and I can't believe what I found. Everything I read was exactly my story. His break up email to me was basically identical, line by line, of dozens of other breakup stories that I read online.

Two things really stood out to me. One: People with BPD cannot truly empathize with others, at least not for long periods of time. For that reason, he was completely unable to process what I was telling him about needing him to be more present in the relationship in order for me to feel loved by him (clean up once in a while, stop being on his phone while we eat dinner or watch a movie, put his dishes and food away, try to get up before 1 pm, let out the dogs we both adopted once in a while, clean the bathroom more than once per year, etc.). The only thing he could ever really see was his experience. I never needed him to tell me that I was right or he was wrong, but I wanted him to see that there are two perspectives, not just his. I also tried to tell him that wasn't wasn't a matter of right or wrong, it was a matter of trying to listen to each other to figure out what to do. He seemed to literally be unable to hear what I had to say or even consider that there was a valid experience other than his. And because of this, nothing I did was ever going to be enough. No matter how much time, energy, money, & love I gave, it could never be enough. See, if two people are in a relationship together but one person's needs are 100%, 24/7 more important than everyone else's, nothing is going to meet that excessive demand. And in the process, the other person is going to be completely depleted. And yes, being completely depleted can also lead to appearing "not loving enough" or present enough after a number of years, too.

Second: People with BPD live in constant fear of being abandoned. As I mentioned above, their needs can never be met. And the person with BPD is going to come to the conclusion that if their needs are not being met, that other person is abandoning them. That is what happened with my relationship. He decided that the only option for him was to leave this relationship where I was not "affectionate" or "attentive" enough. In his mind, I abandoned him. He simply cannot see everything that I have done and was doing for him or how he pushed me away with his mean behavior. He also lied about the process of moving. He was making plans to move hundreds of miles away months in advance but he didn't spring it on me until the very end.

One of the main things that amazed me is that his break up letter consisted of phrases that everyone's BPD breakup letter seems to consist of: Things like "I need to be alone now," "I need to breathe," "I tried everything but you didn't touch me enough," "I need space to heal," etc.

At the same time, he tells me he loves me and wants me still in his life. We have been exchanging cordial emails. I do believe that we still love each other in one way or another. I do believe that he feels as though he was hurt by me and that we cannot be together, at least not for a long time. I believe that he will resist any temptation within himself to get together again with me. He may be tempted to contact me in times of crisis, but I really don't think he will. He truly believes that he has to heal and become stronger after our relationship. Of course, I find that incredibly insulting. Let's talk about who really needs to heal after that relationship!

Before I discovered the things about BPD that I discovered last night, the ones I talked about above, I wanted to get back together with him ASAP. I still love him. I did not know those things about people with BPD. I had been hoping that if he got himself together and grew up a bit, our relationship could resume if he were willing. Everything I've read indicates to me, though, that no matter what happens, I could never provide enough for him. There seems to be a slim chance that it could work out if we have regular counseling, especially regular couples counseling. But that's getting way ahead of the game, especially since he has said he does not want to get back together. Actually, he said he doesn't know if I we will ever get back together and doesn't want to string me along, so we are taking a break for now, but that break is indefinite and possibly permanent, so he says.

Most of my friends, including mutual friends, think that I should cut it clean and move on with no contact. They know that he is volatile and they worry that I will be hurt over and over again. My head knows that they are right, but my heart holds out hope.

Thanks for listening. This is just so hard.

-Wildlight

[Wildlight]

Hi, everyone,
I'm feeling blown away right now. After 7 years, my partner (who also has bipolar disorder) moved 200 miles away and ended it. He said he worked on our relationship for a solid year with his therapist, but I was just "too closed off" so he had to end it. He seems to have no concept of how mean he was and how little he did to help around the house. He left his things everywhere, was always on his phone or laptop, and almost never lifted a finger to help with anything. I was told I was loved, but I didn't feel it.

I've been really struggling, so I did a quick search on "borderline personality disorder broke up with me," and I can't believe what I found. Everything I read was exactly my story. His break up email to me was basically identical, line by line, of dozens of other breakup stories that I read online.

Two things really stood out to me. One: People with BPD cannot truly empathize with others, at least not for long periods of time. For that reason, he was completely unable to process what I was telling him about needing him to be more present in the relationship in order for me to feel loved by him (clean up once in a while, stop being on his phone while we eat dinner or watch a movie, put his dishes and food away, try to get up before 1 pm, let out the dogs we both adopted once in a while, clean the bathroom more than once per year, etc.). The only thing he could ever really see was his experience. I never needed him to tell me that I was right or he was wrong, but I wanted him to see that there are two perspectives, not just his. I also tried to tell him that wasn't wasn't a matter of right or wrong, it was a matter of trying to listen to each other to figure out what to do. He seemed to literally be unable to hear what I had to say or even consider that there was a valid experience other than his. And because of this, nothing I did was ever going to be enough. No matter how much time, energy, money, & love I gave, it could never be enough. See, if two people are in a relationship together but one person's needs are 100%, 24/7 more important than everyone else's, nothing is going to meet that excessive demand. And in the process, the other person is going to be completely depleted. And yes, being completely depleted can also lead to appearing "not loving enough" or present enough after a number of years, too.

Second: People with BPD live in constant fear of being abandoned. As I mentioned above, their needs can never be met. And the person with BPD is going to come to the conclusion that if their needs are not being met, that other person is abandoning them. That is what happened with my relationship. He decided that the only option for him was to leave this relationship where I was not "affectionate" or "attentive" enough. In his mind, I abandoned him. He simply cannot see everything that I have done and was doing for him or how he pushed me away with his mean behavior. He also lied about the process of moving. He was making plans to move hundreds of miles away months in advance but he didn't spring it on me until the very end.

One of the main things that amazed me is that his break up letter consisted of phrases that everyone's BPD breakup letter seems to consist of: Things like "I need to be alone now," "I need to breathe," "I tried everything but you didn't touch me enough," "I need space to heal," etc.

At the same time, he tells me he loves me and wants me still in his life. We have been exchanging cordial emails. I do believe that we still love each other in one way or another. I do believe that he feels as though he was hurt by me and that we cannot be together, at least not for a long time. I believe that he will resist any temptation within himself to get together again with me. He may be tempted to contact me in times of crisis, but I really don't think he will. He truly believes that he has to heal and become stronger after our relationship. Of course, I find that incredibly insulting. Let's talk about who really needs to heal after that relationship!

Before I discovered the things about BPD that I discovered last night, the ones I talked about above, I wanted to get back together with him ASAP. I still love him. I did not know those things about people with BPD. I had been hoping that if he got himself together and grew up a bit, our relationship could resume if he were willing. Everything I've read indicates to me, though, that no matter what happens, I could never provide enough for him. There seems to be a slim chance that it could work out if we have regular counseling, especially regular couples counseling. But that's getting way ahead of the game, especially since he has said he does not want to get back together. Actually, he said he doesn't know if I we will ever get back together and doesn't want to string me along, so we are taking a break for now, but that break is indefinite and possibly permanent, so he says.

Most of my friends, including mutual friends, think that I should cut it clean and move on with no contact. They know that he is volatile and they worry that I will be hurt over and over again. My head knows that they are right, but my heart holds out hope.

Thanks for listening. This is just so hard.

-Wildlight

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Wildlight and Welcome!  

I'm sure you'll get lots of insight and support here as this site is full of great information and the members of this board are all at different stages of their journey and we help one another along.  Being understood is a great comfort.  

You mention that your ex has Bipolar disorder.  Is he also diagnosed with BPD or does he show traits?  Would you like to tell us more about the behaviours you experienced during the r/s?  I'm glad to hear that he has been undergoing therapy, however was it aimed at treating his condition and behaviours?  From what you suggest it sounds as though certain issues between you were ongoing without improvement, which makes me wonder what the focus of his therapy was.  If he was receiving treatment for BPD this can take a long time and may not show instant results.  :)o tell us more and let us know how best we can support you.  For now, regards coping with the break up, there are great articles at the top of the board I'd recommend you begin to read, and also the lessons to the right can be a huge help.

Keep reading and posting.  You're not alone.  We know how hard this is and are here to help.

Love and light x

[webarach]

Hi. I'm in the same boat as you. It's really hard to get a glimpse of this wonderful connection with someone and of this great future and life you could build together, only to have something so illogical and unnecessary take it away from you. In my case, I actually broke up with my ex and it's killing me. I never wanted to end it with him, I just felt I had no power to make the conflict and abuse stop.

I never needed him to tell me that I was right or he was wrong, but I wanted him to see that there are two perspectives, not just his. I also tried to tell him that wasn't wasn't a matter of right or wrong, it was a matter of trying to listen to each other to figure out what to do. He seemed to literally be unable to hear what I had to say or even consider that there was a valid experience other than his.

I felt like I was the one who wrote that while reading it. I longed so much during our relationship to say how I felt and have the response be "I hear you and I love you and I want you to be happy".

If he does decide that he wants to try to work things out, please know that it'll be a long road of recovery for him. He would need to take ownership of his own actions and emotions and commit to therapy, hopefully DBT where programs sometimes require as much as a weekly group meeting AND a weekly individual session. I really do hope he can find some inner peace, but there is a long road ahead of him.

I wouldn't advise couple's counseling. I tried it with my ex and he was able to manipulate the therapist into thinking I was the issue. It made me doubt my own reality and sanity even more. Granted, that was prior to me suspecting BPD. If you really wanted to give couple's counseling a shot, I would make sure that anyone you choose as a therapist has experience with BPD and that they're maybe even prepped by you beforehand with an explanation of the traits and behaviors you experience. Either way, I've heard a lot that couple's counseling doesn't work for this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and your love and care for him are really beautiful. I'm not hearing you talk about what you deserve though. So what do you deserve? What do you want out of a relationship? What are your needs? Regardless of his capacity to meet those needs, you need to take care of yourself now. Go see your own therapist, which will give you a lifeline and a validating space where your thoughts and emotions are allowed to exist. Make yourself your own priority. Regardless of what happens between you and him, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

[Wildlight]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. He started seeing a new therapist a year ago who told him that in addition to bipolar disorder which was diagnosed five years ago, she said he also appears to pretty clearly to have BPD. He told her that he felt like he was going crazy because I don't give him enough attention. What I'm sure he did not tell her is that he was sending me sometimes 30 or 40 texts an hour for one crisis reason or another, usually angry. Most of the time with the texts he was off the rails about something and I was at work, so I drew a boundary and did not engage or respond when he was like that. In his mind, that made me emotionally unavailable. He would try to "do better" after that and be nice for a short while or maybe even give me a present. And I do understand that is classic cycle of abuse behavior. He does not see it that way; he sees it as "trying." Then he would get upset because I did not feel able to be vulnerable enough to be intimate with him sometimes. That made me "emotionally and physically unavailable." Therefore he was abandoned by me in his mind. From what he told me, the counselor told him that if he keeps trying and not getting anywhere with me (if I continued to "stonewall" him, which was NOT true), he will need to make a major change, such as leave the relationship. He told the counselor all the good things he's doing and that I am not responding. He seemed to be incapable of seeing the constant cycle: I would invite him to do something with me, take his hand, and smile a lot. I kept things upbeat and would ask him questions about his life while we went on an outing. Usually within about 30 minutes, he would have some kind of episode or get angry about something. For example, he didn't feel like going for a walk, so I invited him one day recently to go to one of our favorite haunts– the hardware store. He saw someone who he decided in his mind must be a white supremacist. He gets those kinds of notions all the time about people. The guy was in the checkout line and we were going the other direction. I invited him to come with me to the flower and garden section far away. But he kept getting worked up, and it became clear that we had to get out of there. Then he turned on me and started telling me that I have no idea what it's like, and that I'm judging him right now, even though I said nothing. He kept trying to get me to say something, so I made the mistake of saying that I'll be fine, but I'm just a little disappointed at how was talking to me, and I just want us to go home. He started shouting and calling me "ablelist" because I don't understand how hard things are for him. It floored me that after all these years and everything we've been through that he would get the idea that I don't understand his challenges. I was being supportive and patient. From what he told me, the counselor helped him get "strong enough" to make a big change and move and end the relationship. In other words, it's all my fault. I am not aware of any kind of special therapy for BPD with him. The BPD was mentioned once and then never again as far as I know. And I don't think he would be open to that, anyway. On the flipside, he says he would like to stay in contact and we have been exchanging some cordial emails. Sometimes he is rather cold or doesn't respond, and other times he's nicer or engages more. It's just basic stuff, like things about work, etc. From what I gather, he is still having mood swings and all kinds of physical symptoms of anxiety, such as stomach in knots, diarrhea, etc. When he lived here, he worked only a few days a month because he couldn't handle the stress of work. He would have insomnia and vomit in the middle of the night even if the job wasn't hard. He just has trouble being out in public or functioning for long periods. One of the big changes he made was getting a full-time job in his new town. Because of his mental health challenges, he hasn't had a full time job in maybe six or seven years. It's also a very stressful job, working in one of the busiest homeless shelters in the region. He got it because his roommate got it for him, not because he's particularly interested homelessness. He is on a mission to prove that he can stand on his own 2 feet and be alone as an adult. Meanwhile, his mom informed me that even though he makes more than she does, he still sends texts asking for money to be put in his account because he spends his money right away. He is also transitioning from female to male. He's completely preoccupied with that. He's convinced that I'm turned off by him. That was one of the other reasons he cited for needing to leave. I have no issue with him transitioning. But I do have issues with him being mean, and if I ever pulled back, that was why, not the transition.But he just can't fathom that. I would like counseling, but I am lower income, and there is nowhere to go. The community counseling center where I could get assistance has a 2 to 3 year waiting list that keeps getting pushed longer because of the opioid and homelessness problem in this community. As for myself — I just finished a master's degree and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm trying to sort out how my childhood traumas are contributing to this sort of thing in my life. I have money troubles now because while he was suicidal the first year or 2, I didn't working enough and stayed by him, and now I'm in debt to my credit cards and taxes. I need to stop thinking about him and take care of myself and my needs. I'm also not young. It's now or never in terms of getting my life on track.Thank you for listening and for the tips about the articles. I will search for them.