How do I express disappointment without sounding passive aggressive?

[5xFive]

My uBPDh accuses me of being very passive aggressive. He has split me black over the last few days. Tuesday he send me flowers at work and I'm trying to hold on to that. But today was first grade orientation for our s6 and he's known about this for the last month. He requested off work but then he had to work the overnight shift in order to get the time. But then we argued yesterday and he kept me up all night with the texting and calling. I tried to sleep but every time I did, he called me over and over until I answered. My boundary fail. So I slept only 3 hours, went to work and still showed up for orientation. But he never showed up. Didn't call or text to tell me that he wasn't coming except for when he angrily said he wasn't going, and when he got off work, he went home and went to sleep. I'm upset that part of his anger with me is my lack of communication but he gives me the silent treatment or doesn't communicate and I don't feel like I can say anything without making it worse. But I'm upset! Any ideas?

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,
I can't offer much help, but I can say I get what you mean.

I don't talk much, and that hasn't been a problem with close friends. But after some time in the Rs with my DPBgf she acuses me of not comunicating. Besides my inclination to silence, the list of topics that bring rage gets increasing, so I don't know what to mention. For instance, I wake up already worried about bringing up the matter of breakfast, she usually gets upset if I just wait for her to get hungry (because she only drinks coffee she has prepared herself), and also gets upset if I ask.

She is right that I'm not great at comunicating, but when she stops talking to me, even when I ask her a direct question, I can't complain. If I do, if I have the littlest complaint, she says she's making my life miserable and we are done.

So, I for one, don't know a way to express my concerns without making it worse.

It helps me relax to think she already knows anything I can complain about. When we talk calmly, she knows that, and she blames herself for 200% more.

[Santi83]

So, I for one, don't know a way to express my concerns without making it worse.

I'm having the same problems with my girlfriends who has BPD, I can't say what's bothers me with out leaving a complete mess.

I lost a lot of weight on this 3 months of relation.

I been trying the very calm and friendly way to talk to her but if i say something she don't like, like... .

"babe did u call the doc to make the appointment?"

She start telling me, why are u asking, i will so stop pushing me.
Like the other day I woke up very upset because the other day was my birthday and she didn't say a word to me, not even a txt message, NOTHING! So she sent me a message the very next morning asking what's bugging me and it took me like 5 minutes to answer that because I was thinking if I told her that she's going the get very mad so I told her... ."we don't talk that much like before" and she attack me with message saying it's my fault and blah blah blah.

[5xFive]

Oh Santi83! I'm so sorry.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

It's so hard to feel like we can't express ourselves. I am working on learning the tools and skills and using them when my h is my  , the man I married, my Dr. Jekyll.

So far, it is inevitable that he splits me black, and I'm once again back to being unable to express myself the way that comes naturally for me. But I read all of the success stories on this forum (and even some that weren't successful), but the posts from the long time posters are so wise. They seem to be able to express themselves in a way that does not escalate conflict! It gives me hope that someday, with practice, I will be able to do so as well.   

[Radcliff]

Hi Monucka,

I definitely found that learning the tools and being able to express myself in a way that was less likely to escalate has made a difference.  But I find my ability to do it varies with how well I'm feeling.  There have been times when I've had great reserves, and she's been way dysregulated, and we've managed to come back from the brink.  But other times when I'm not feeling as well, and I'll resort to a less refined coping mechanism and further trigger her.  The hardest is when I'm sleep deprived.  She will keep us up late when she's on a tear, and somehow makes going to sleep at 1am on a work night seem selfish.  For him to keep you up when it's his day and your night seems almost worse (at least my wife is sacrificing her own sleep to lay into me   Forgive yourself for not being at your best in the middle of the night.  And good on you for not calling in sick to work, and for being there for your son

It can be so frustrating when our pwBPD have a mixture of reasonable and unreasonable demands.  We want to be good partners and hold up our end, but how do we tell the difference?  Rational explanations like ("Hey, I'm not at my best at 1am and I want to be the person you need me to be when we talk about it, can we talk about it tomorrow) don't seem to work.

What do you think?  Can you give an example of a time when you thought his comments about your lack of communication were fair, and an example of a time when you thought they were baloney?  Maybe a time when you weren't sure?  Maybe all of us here can help give you a frame of reference.  I suspect that you have a pretty good idea of what's reasonable and not, but getting some validation on that might be reassuring for you.

[5xFive]

Af1947,

What do you think?  Can you give an example of a time when you thought his comments about your lack of communication were fair, and an example of a time when you thought they were baloney?  Maybe a time when you weren't sure?  Maybe all of us here can help give you a frame of reference.  I suspect that you have a pretty good idea of what's reasonable and not, but getting some validation on that might be reassuring for you.

I'm not sure of specific examples, but often I will tell him something and he doesn't pay attention to me and then he rages out that I never told him and I don't know how to communicate. Or he'll do something to me that he complained the day before that I did! It's very frustrating. Sometimes he does it on purpose to hurt me, he's admitted this. Sometimes I think his feelings are facts and my feelings don't matter.

Sometimes I probably don't communicate well. It's not like I can say: "let's sit down and work on our budget for this week" when he's in total dysregulation and screaming at me for all the things I do wrong, all the mistakes I've made, what a truly horrible person I am and how he wishes I would just die already. So then I figure it out by myself. Most of the time it's ok, but when I'm tired like you said, and I miscalculate the math (just keeping with the budget example) he gets so mad that I didn't tell him that I needed his help or that we were short on something or another for the week. Still not sure how to overcome this obstacle.

Thanks for all your replies today Wentworth. You've really helped me work through some of this. 

[Radcliff]

often I will tell him something and he doesn't pay attention to me and then he rages out that I never told him and I don't know how to communicate.

Admission first -- I can be a very poor communicator, and expect my wife and children to read my mind sometimes.  I am attempting to reform, but make these comments with humility.  First, it sounds like in these types of cases you made a reasonable effort and shouldn't beat yourself up.  On the pragmatic side, listening may not be his strength, and everyone gets preoccupied sometimes.  Any chance he has had a lot of noise exposure?  Long ago, I had some noise safety training, and the audiologist said that the most prevalent presentation of hearing loss was a wife complaining that her husband didn't hear her (this sounds like a joke, but it was not   I pass my hearing tests with flying colors, but still find it helpful when my wife is facing me so I can see her lips, and she has my full attention (that one track mind guy thing).  I don't know about you, but with kids and jobs a simple thing like getting face to face with no distractions seems like a challenge!  We have a lot of miscommunications like you've described and when one person is convinced something was said and the other is convinced it was not, it's so frustrating!

Another tip would be to use multiple communication methods for something important.  Text and in person, or e-mail and in person.  Also at a few different times.  The nice thing about written methods is that he can check it and know you were not making it up.  If you can gently mention the written message, without rubbing his nose in it, then give him some space, he can check it in private and maybe get through things without a shame response.  It's easy to think that the other person is being lame, but in a noisy world, these tricks help (independent of BPD -- it's good at work, with nons, with kids, etc.).

Sometimes I think his feelings are facts and my feelings don't matter.

This is completely, and utterly true for me.  I feel like I don't have a voice.

Sometimes I probably don't communicate well. It's not like I can say: "let's sit down and work on our budget for this week" when he's in total dysregulation and screaming at me for all the things I do wrong, all the mistakes I've made, what a truly horrible person I am and how he wishes I would just die already.

Same here.  As I said, I can really drop the ball on communicating, but the circumstances are often ridiculously non-ideal, so it makes it hard to understand what I own.  If was in the middle of a s**tstorm, I give myself a pass.  Often, the bad BPD weather contributed, and I'll give myself a partial pass, which makes me feel less crappy, but I also think about what I could have done better, which makes me feel honest and accountable.  If I was a total and complete idiot, I'll try to fess up immediately.  I aim for balance in an unbalanced world  

None of this strikes me as passive aggressive, but I certainly understand how it could feel that way to him.  If he has trouble with trust, he may assume the worst, that you were intentionally withholding info.  You can validate his feelings, "Wow, if I'd done that on purpose that would have been terrible, and if I were you I'd be really upset."  That gets the truth in there subtly without disagreeing, and focuses on his feelings.  [I'll continue, and if none of this fits, just ignore... .]  In a rational moment, you could even tell him that you're trying to improve your communications and will do such and such, and does he have any ideas.  His response might disappoint you, but maybe it'd help.

Thanks for all your replies today Wentworth. You've really helped me work through some of this.

You are most welcome   It gets me to reflect on my own situation, which is helpful on this end, too.

[formflier]

  It's very frustrating.

Monucka,

I think this is the reason your hubby says (accuses) you of these things. 

I want to challenge you to think of it not "as a problem to be solved"... .but a "dynamic to be understood".

Try this on for size...

There is some sort of emotional turmoil in your hubby, he deals with it in a dysfunctional way by "telling" you that you are passive aggressive.  There is something he "gets" or "craves" when he does this.   Your frustration (or what you do when frustrated)... .provides what he is looking for.

Please don't try to understand it more than the general idea above.  Why?  Because you will never know for sure, no matter how much energy you put into it.

Instead:  Put the energy into no longer providing what he is looking for... .  Once you "break your part" of the dance, he will be forced to change his part.  That is when having healthy alternatives matters.


Second issue:  What could you have done better with the sleep issue?  Good job recognizing the "boundary fail"... .we all do that from time to time.


FF