Validation backfiring: what am I missing?

[Letloverule]

My SOwBPD Has  had at least 5-6 consecutive weekends of rages and splitting... .not to mention some during the week.
With all the adrenaline,  emotional exhaustion, some nights spending hours in my car to let her calm down... .I have struggled sleeping and getting to work on time. So much that my boss called me out on my attendance and hours today which was embarrassing.

It seems like my efforts to diffuse and validate have been backfiring. I have said things like "I can see why you'd feel upset... .angry... .hurt... etc"
Or "it must feel very frustrating to... .etc"
I'm met with "you always say that... ." or, "these things wouldn't happen if you weren't a selfish a*hole to begin with" or "im appalled that it takes so much for you to support me/care for me/be a real partner"
I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall... or sounding like a broken record if I repeat myself or say things a different way.
Am I missing something?

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[nuthereggsheller]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I am so very new to this experience of understanding that I may be married to a BPD husband, that I will apologize in advance that I'm sure I don't have any solid insight to lend you.  The only possible thing I can offer in my inexperience, is that you may be expecting a "formula" response to work.  People are unpredictable, and I'm discovering that BPD people are even more unpredictable.  The words you wrote are validating words and follow what I am also learning about how to respond to the BPD's emotion.  Is it possible that she picked up on a nuance like your tone of voice, or facial expression or the frustration behind your words?

[Tattered Heart]

Ugh. I hate it when validation fails. Are you validating in a genuine way? Have you had any successes in validating? If so, how were those successes different than the unsuccessful times?

When I first began to practice validating, I did not do well. My goal in validating was to stop his anger. My H was able to pick up on my insincerity and would accuse me of many of the same things your pwBPD does.

As I began to learn more about BPD I began to understand the emotions behind my H's outbursts and this helped me be able to genuinely validate him. I could see that he was feeling scared, alone, rejected, etc. and in doing so, I could relate those feelings. When he can see that I am really concerned about the feeling behind his words, then my validation works.

There are still times that I miss the mark. One thing that I might suggest is if you feel like the validation statements aren't working, try asking questions of your pwBPD to gather information about what their real emotion is. My H sees my asking questions as me being interested in what he is saying.

Some questions I ask a lot are:
How does that make you feel?
What does a good boss look like to you? (or whatever he is painting black. Get them to describe what their expectations of that person are).
I want to understand what you are saying, but I'm having difficulty. Could you explain it again?
What specifically did I did wrong? (I use this when he is accusing me of doing something wrong, when my actions were not wrong, just not what he wanted)

[Jessica84]

What do you think is triggering her? What is causing her to feel unsupported?

Frustration is a symptom, not the cause. Telling someone you see they are frustrated is a good start, but not all the way there. It's showing Support but without Empathy or Truth (SET). Not your fault. If you aren't sure what her version of reality is (whatever she's feeling) how can you empathize? Lashing out with name-calling and vague statements is not exactly the best way to express herself. Not her fault either. She doesn't know a better way to communicate.

Tattered Heart gave great advice - ask questions, show concern. Somewhere in the middle of a crazy rant she will reveal the underlying feelings. Validate those. Treat the cause, and the symptoms may subside.

Of course, I'm also leery of "always" and "never" statements. If it happens once, it's "always". If it doesn't happen often enough, it's "never". Ugh.