Broken up-First time he seems rational and I'm the crazy one

[Pinksunset]

I'm devastated and heartbroken because my exBPD finally broke up with me for good.  Every other time, he raged, or was drunk and raging.  He's now trying to quit drinking and, for the first time, he has told me it's over in a rational way.  He says it's been over for years, and that he's been trying to tell me that for years.  I would always chose him when he broke up with me, because it seemed irrational to throw away our relationship over something stupid.

I now feel like an idiot because he makes it seem like he was only in it because he couldn't tell me no.  Claims we are two different people and can't get along.  I want to work on our relationship but he wants me to let him go.  I've begged (not my finest moment) and he insists I need to meet someone else.  Unfortunately, I've forgotten all of the negative aspects of our relationship and can only think about the good.  He seems to focus on all of the bad aspects and acts as if he never loved me for the last 13 years. 

He's agreed to finish up some work on house.  He's agreed to talk to me on the phone about some other issues (unrelated to him) that I'm having.  But he claims he just wants to be left alone, doesn't want a relationship, and isn't dating.  I'm going crazy because I can't fix it this time, and I so want to keep him in my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[roberto516]

I'm sorry. This is what happened with me. She became so rational about everything. Numerous times she asked me "please don't leave" and I'd stay to try and work on it etc, etc.

If you do want to try this again I suggest give him space. I didn't give space. I begged, got angry, begged, raged. I lost my mind and it pushed her away for good. Even if you are unsure, giving space will let you take a step back for yourself. This is easier said than done. I know! I couldn't stop trying to reach out and beg even though she said she just wanted some space for herself.

I know exactly what you're going through. That depression, anxiety, hopelessness, chaos, rumination. It was the darkest days of my life.

[cc2203]

I'm devastated and heartbroken because my exBPD finally broke up with me for good.  Every other time, he raged, or was drunk and raging.  He's now trying to quit drinking and, for the first time, he has told me it's over in a rational way.  He says it's been over for years, and that he's been trying to tell me that for years.  I would always chose him when he broke up with me, because it seemed irrational to throw away our relationship over something stupid.

I now feel like an idiot because he makes it seem like he was only in it because he couldn't tell me no.  Claims we are two different people and can't get along.  I want to work on our relationship but he wants me to let him go.  I've begged (not my finest moment) and he insists I need to meet someone else.  Unfortunately, I've forgotten all of the negative aspects of our relationship and can only think about the good.  He seems to focus on all of the bad aspects and acts as if he never loved me for the last 13 years. 

He's agreed to finish up some work on house.  He's agreed to talk to me on the phone about some other issues (unrelated to him) that I'm having.  But he claims he just wants to be left alone, doesn't want a relationship, and isn't dating.  I'm going crazy because I can't fix it this time, and I so want to keep him in my life.

Honey Im right here with you. My fiance of almost two years finally actually broke up with me. We have been fighting alot for the last 7 months. Breaking up almost every other week or two. Last week he left with his family on a Vacation to LA to see his sister. He got there and then told me he wasnt ever comming back. He was starting a new life with her. He quit his job, signed for a new lease, and is really trying to cut ties. I gave him space when he said he needed it. He eventually came back to me crying saying how much he misses me and wants to come back, but he says he cant. He cant be unhappy anymore. He told me the only reason he couldnt come back was because he knew if he saw me in this pain, he wouldnt be able to break up with me. He was only staying every other time becuase he felt bad for me. But he said this when he was really upset. He often says things he doesnt mean when hes upset. He knows how much pain im in. I know I should be angry with him but I cant seem to get angry, Ive lost all will to live. I was very codependent on him, and we were in therapy for that. I can only see the good from our past and he only sees the bad. He wants me one min, then the next he screams and yells about how he wants me out of his life. Im sititng here bugging out becuase I know I cant reach out to him. It is so hard... .but he has to OWN the conversation. He has to OWN this relationship. If I want him to really come back, he has to decide to do it.

Just try not to push it. Let him come to you. If he doesnt then it was meant to be. I know how hard it is to sit back... Im struggling too.

[Pinksunset]

cc2203:

I think one of the hardest things is that I can't get angry at him, like you just said about your guy.  In the early years, I would get mad at the way he treated me.  I figured out a few years ago that he exhibits classic BPD signs, and since then, all I feel is bewilderment when he rages, and then I forgive him because I don't think he can help it.   I, too, am co-dependent and I know I need to work on this aspect of my personality. 

How much space were you able to give your guy?  I can't seem to give mine any space because I'm freaking out about this.

[once removed]

How much space were you able to give your guy?  I can't seem to give mine any space because I'm freaking out about this.

"saving" is often about not making things worse; first do no harm. chasing, begging, and at the moment, pretty much anything apart from giving space is working against you, its the opposite of what he has signaled he needs, and it will push anyone further away.

two things generally come of that: the person stepping away from the relationship is reinforced in their position and thinking, or they come back briefly when their heart isnt in it, and it ends quickly and even more painfully.

its not in your interest. its the opposite of your interest. when that clicks, it helps to stop.

i know how hard this is. take it from a guy who has chased and worn his heart on his sleeve. strength is attractive. it yields the best possible outcome.

you dont want to reinforce his position, you want him to rethink it (quickest way to do that with anyone is to change your approach). thats going to take some time, private/personal effort, and restraint toward him.

lean on us here when you want perspective or have the urge/impulse to reach out to him. we can walk you through it.

[cc2203]

How much space were you able to give your guy?  I can't seem to give mine any space because I'm freaking out about this.

Not much... and I think that is why he is mad at me currently. I only send him two texts a day if he doesn't reach out to me. One in the morning (depends on how the night before went. Sometime I just let him come to me in the morning) Then again I send one at night, before bed. Encouraging messages. Things like "I hope you had a great day, I cant wait to hear form you I love you, sweet dreams, goodnight" ect ect. Now, I dont want you to think this is necessarily the best thing to do. It depends on you guy. Mine is kinda on the border all the time. Sometimes hes very receptive to these and others times they just anger him and he wants to be left alone. But sending one never hurts. Worst he can do is not reply. Im especially worried because after lastnights events, (another fight) (even tho were broken up LOL) he still hasnt talked to me. But Im supposed to go to LA to see him tomorrow... Im flying all the way there from Texas to see him... .I hope he talks to me tonight... .- IM FREAKING OUT>... .Its so hard to stay calm. But I have to remind myself that begging isnt attractive to him. I cant beg for his love. I cant beg for his attention.