Sent my gifts/mementoes back

[Rose87]

Hello
Firstly, i'd like to thank all the members for their posts and the advice/resources on this site. It has been so much help to me. I've lurked about for a while but feel the time is right to post.

I was in a relationship with my ex for around four years, ending in february 2016. I don't know if he has BPD but our story certainly follows the patterns expressed so often by members and I certainly think he does. In the end I was painted very black indeed. Even though he had some cause to be angry by my actions in the last few months, it was still a very intense ending and i was shocked by his extreme expressions of hurt and anger towards me. I was really shaken up by the whole experience of being in that relationship and everything that went with it. We didn't contact each other afterwards and I certainly made a lot of effort to move on which was very hard. This site answered a lot of questions about his behaviour and that helped enormously.

There was no contact until a week before christmas 2016 when a large box was delivered to my house via the mail. It contained every single present, gift, memento that I had ever given him, including notes, cards etc. There was no accompanying note. It hurt a lot, I felt he could have binned the items or given them away but to send them back felt pretty spiteful and like a deliberate gesture. I wanted to contact him then to ask why but didn't.

However it played on my mind and I recently emailed him about it. I received a torrent of angry emails back, along the lines of what did i expect? and that he sent them back to show me he didn't 'give a sh*t about me or the memory of me'.

A lot of members on here have experienced very bad behaviour and abuse and I apologise because this is a trivial matter in comparison, but I wondered if the anyone has had the same thing happen to them?

Best wishes to everyone.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Rose87 and Welcome!  

It's great to meet you and I hope that what you've read so far has been helpful in understanding what happened in your r/s.  Glad you found us.  As you already know, we're here to support each other and your input will be valuable for others so I'm pleased you decided to post.

A lot of members on here have experienced very bad behaviour and abuse and I apologise because this is a trivial matter in comparison

Please never apologise or minimise your feelings on something that matters to and affects you.  It isn't a competition here about who had it worse.  At the end of the day everyone here has been or is still hurting and we all understand about that.  Nobody will judge anyone else's situation.  When something impacts us, it's good to share and ask for input or support.  It's great that you are doing that.

Although I can't say that this same thing happened to myself, I can see how a pwBPD, who may be suffering some shame/denial/pain of abandonment/anger at a perceived slight could want to cut off all memory of something they consider themselves unable to deal with emotionally.  

My exBPDbf had cut off his entire family from his life after he felt they had all let him down repeatedly in ways that were irreparable in his mind.  To the point that he wanted to change his name by deed poll to remove any trace of connection with them.  

In my opinion, anything that reminded him of you caused him more hurt than he was able to handle.  It may seem cold on the receiving end to get back all the items however I'd imagine it was about self preservation for him and less about hurting your feelings in the process.  The anger we see on the surface is a manifestation of the pain the individual feels and is battling with on the inside.  It is not pain necessarily directly inflicted and certainly not usually intentionally, however it is how the pwBPD perceives things themselves that is the root of the pain and stems from other wounds previously inflicted.

Keep reading and posting and when you're ready to share more of your story I'll read with interest.  :)o let us know how best we can support you on your journey to healing.

Love and light x

[Rose87]

Hi Harley, thank you for the warm welcome and insights.

The example you gave regarding your ex was enlightening. I hadn't really thought of it like that, i mean from the perspective of someone with BPD and their reactions when hurt and where that stems from.

It makes some sense now and has helped me look at the incident differently.

I really appreciate your reply and support, thank you again    x

[once removed]

it sounds like he has some hard feelings. sending back a box full of gifts is pretty spiteful and immature, and it doesnt do a lot to remove the sting that he admitted his motivations.

what happened to bring things to that point?

[Rose87]

Hi once removed
He had ended our relationship many times over the years, to the point where I finally realised it was never going to be, so I made real efforts to move on with my life which I had never done before. After a few months I started seeing someone else, it was on a casual basis, based on friendship and a welcome relief from the intensity of the r/s with my ex. But then my ex got back in touch wanting to try again.

I was so conflicted and resentful from the events of the past that I couldn't make a commitment to do so straight away. And although I told him I'd been seeing someone else I didn't tell him that we were still seeing each other. I was angry that he'd come back again and the turmoil i felt, because it bought back all those hopes and dreams I'd once had for us but given up on. I needed time to resolve it all in my mind before jumping back into something that had been such an roller coaster ride for me.

After weeks of going over it all I told my ex I wanted us to try again, but he was angry that there'd been someone else and that it had continued whilst we were meeting and discussing getting back together.

I've condensed what happened. I make no excuses, I know I was wrong. I do accept his hurt and anger about that final period.

It was around 7 months after our last communication that he sent the stuff back. What hit me hard was him erasing all our time together. I was shocked by the strength of the message of hate it conveyed.

The years we were together were the most exhilarating and intense i've ever known. Also exhausting and confusing because of his push/pulling, silent periods followed by declarations of love, depression and other factors. I felt anxious and out of my depth a lot, head was constantly spinning, and I tried extremely hard to make it work. I realised with the gifts coming back just how black i'd been painted and it felt like a total dismissal of the anguish and hurt i'd been through when we were together.

Reading about BPD on this site, and Harley's response, have given me some insight into why my ex reacted as strongly as he did. I've also thought a lot about my part in contributing to that.

I appreciate your reply.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Rose87,

I haven't shared this before, but the reason I was painted black was because my exBPDbf discovered (searched hard to) that I'd been communicating with my son's father around the time that we met. 

When we met I didn't think anything would come of it and to be fair I actively avoided anything developing.  Obviously that didn't last but when he eventually discovered what he did on an old mobile, it felt like the ultimate betrayal to him because, despite the fact we were not together, HIS feelings about me were so strong at that time.  They weren't reciprocated, nor did I know about his feelings however that made no difference to how utterly inconsolable he was and things went downhill rapidly from there. 

All of his appalling behaviour from that point was expressly blamed on me and this heinous act.  Nothing else mattered to him any more.  I'm afraid that from that moment there was no turning back.  In some ways, based upon his extreme behaviour that I experienced following all of this, it was possibly my salvation.  Had this not happened, it would have been something else eventually and I'd have been further into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Everything happens for a reason.  Do you have support in place to work through things?

Love and light x

[Sonder.]

I actually just did this myself recently to my BPDex. My counselor told me that I should send back everything I had of hers so that way there was no reason for her to try to come back. I boxed up all of the gifts and sentimental items and shipped them too back without a note. In my mind I wanted to have not a single reminder of her since she was the one that tossed me aside. I don't know if this helps but this was my point of view from the other side.

[Rose87]

Harley - thanks for sharing that. It must have been a horrible time for you. Your comment that everything happens for a reason has struck a chord. I'm lucky to have support from a couple of close friends and reading articles on this site and posting has been a massive help.

Sonder - your post has helped, thank you. I can certainly see why it would help you to send the stuff back and i hadn't thought about it as a way of ensuring there was no reason to be contacted by the other person. I can understand too that you might want to remove all reminders of your exgf. I think in all honestly it was a sharp reminder of the hurt and sadness that surrounds the whole of my r/s, which I thought I had dealt with, but probably only put to one side.

Kind wishes to you both.