I may be the one causing the problems..

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recently, as some of you may know, my fiance went on a family vacation to LA to visit his sister and two days into the trip he called me and broke off our engagement and told me he had decided he wasn't ever even returning to out home state. -It has been very rough for me to enforce NC. He and I both know that Im struggling with my codependency and leaving him be. He says the reason he cant/wont come home is because he knows he wont be able to actually end the relationship when he sees me.

His family has never been very supportive of our relationship because I was very controlling. And now, if they knew he was still talking to me they probably wouldnt help him at all. They dont like me because early in the relationship I tried to get him to stop doing some drugs, and in general be more responsible. When we met, he was smoking pot, had no Drivers License, no Social Security card, and no Birth Certificate, along with no job and no car. But he wanted to move in with me. So when you live in my home, we need to have a job, and not go to jail or get in trouble with the law ect ect. I tried to force him to grow up. I failed to see that, the immature and irresponsible, "bad boy" was honestly who I fell in love with. But I loved my way of life so much I tried to force him to conform to it... .That caused allll of the problems in our relationship. I never saw that until now, looking back. But ofcourse, its to late now.

Anywho- Since my last post, We have been talking daily, and usually its pretty minimal. except thursday. Thursday things got sexual over the phone and he told me he wanted to see me. We spoke briefly on the idea of me going to LA for the weekend to see him. Talked about renting a car and driving up to San Francisco for one day and then back down and spending two days around in LA. We would be sleeping together in the same bed again at hotel rooms and stuff. Like a good chance to retry things.

Im scared becuase I know he didnt want to leave me like this. He said so lastnight as he was upset. screaming " You think I got what I want? You think I wanted to leave you? The love of my life? You think I wanted to run away from you? You think I wanted to walk out on you like this? NO! I didnt! But I felt like I had no choice!"

I leave on Wednesday... today being Saturday I think right now I need to give him some space. At the end of our phone call he said "I love you CC, Ill text you tomorrow." And I made a point to say to him that I was going to let him come to me. I told him I wasnt going to text him first, that I would let him come to me. He said Okaay. I love you goodnight.



Im left pondering a few things - Why does he tell me he wants me out of his life, but then ask me to come see him, get excited about it, then flip right back to wanting me gone?

Why Does tell me He loves me one second then tell me how much he hates me the next?

Why isnt me taking all of the blame for everything just making him feel better? Instead it makes him feel worse, and cry and hate me even more?

The T Said all im doing by going is rewarding him for leaving me... .Im not going to bring him back with me. Or even to get him to love me again. Im going to say good bye on a good note, to my best friend. Who I love so dearly... .Does that make me the bad guy? Does that make me niave?

[cc2203]

Recently, as some of you may know, my fiance went on a family vacation to LA to visit his sister and two days into the trip he called me and broke off our engagement and told me he had decided he wasn't ever even returning to out home state. -It has been very rough for me to enforce NC. He and I both know that Im struggling with my codependency and leaving him be. He says the reason he cant/wont come home is because he knows he wont be able to actually end the relationship when he sees me.

His family has never been very supportive of our relationship because I was very controlling. And now, if they knew he was still talking to me they probably wouldnt help him at all. They dont like me because early in the relationship I tried to get him to stop doing some drugs, and in general be more responsible. When we met, he was smoking pot, had no Drivers License, no Social Security card, and no Birth Certificate, along with no job and no car. But he wanted to move in with me. So when you live in my home, we need to have a job, and not go to jail or get in trouble with the law ect ect. I tried to force him to grow up. I failed to see that, the immature and irresponsible, "bad boy" was honestly who I fell in love with. But I loved my way of life so much I tried to force him to conform to it... .That caused allll of the problems in our relationship. I never saw that until now, looking back. But ofcourse, its to late now.

Anywho- Since my last post, We have been talking daily, and usually its pretty minimal. except thursday. Thursday things got sexual over the phone and he told me he wanted to see me. We spoke briefly on the idea of me going to LA for the weekend to see him. Talked about renting a car and driving up to San Francisco for one day and then back down and spending two days around in LA. We would be sleeping together in the same bed again at hotel rooms and stuff. Like a good chance to retry things.

Im scared becuase I know he didnt want to leave me like this. He said so lastnight as he was upset. screaming " You think I got what I want? You think I wanted to leave you? The love of my life? You think I wanted to run away from you? You think I wanted to walk out on you like this? NO! I didnt! But I felt like I had no choice!"

I leave on Wednesday... today being Saturday I think right now I need to give him some space. At the end of our phone call he said "I love you CC, Ill text you tomorrow." And I made a point to say to him that I was going to let him come to me. I told him I wasnt going to text him first, that I would let him come to me. He said Okaay. I love you goodnight.



Im left pondering a few things - Why does he tell me he wants me out of his life, but then ask me to come see him, get excited about it, then flip right back to wanting me gone?

Why Does tell me He loves me one second then tell me how much he hates me the next?

Why isnt me taking all of the blame for everything just making him feel better? Instead it makes him feel worse, and cry and hate me even more?

The T Said all im doing by going is rewarding him for leaving me... .Im not going to bring him back with me. Or even to get him to love me again. Im going to say good bye on a good note, to my best friend. Who I love so dearly... .Does that make me the bad guy? Does that make me niave?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi, Am I understanding correctly that you think you caused problems with his family because you wanted him to behave more responsibly? They saw you as controlling him? Did they get that idea from him or they think that way themselves? You are still attracted to each other, but he seems to be conflicted about the relationship or is off and on about it?

If he is BPD I think you will find a lot of information here to untangle the general nature of such on and off behavior. Are you really sure you are entirely to blame for the problems in the relationship? By taking all the blame maybe he sees you as being too nice or letting him off the hook for things he feels bad about? And, your therapist is advising you to end things or helping you in the break up? Do you feel there is a chance to save things? What would you want from the relationship? Hope you are doing okay sorting this out. Sounds like there is a lot here to consider!

[cc2203]

Hi, Am I understanding correctly that you think you caused problems with his family because you wanted him to behave more responsibly? They saw you as controlling him? Did they get that idea from him or they think that way themselves? You are still attracted to each other, but he seems to be conflicted about the relationship or is off and on about it?

If he is BPD I think you will find a lot of information here to untangle the general nature of such on and off behavior. Are you really sure you are entirely to blame for the problems in the relationship? By taking all the blame maybe he sees you as being too nice or letting him off the hook for things he feels bad about? And, your therapist is advising you to end things or helping you in the break up? Do you feel there is a chance to save things? What would you want from the relationship? Hope you are doing okay sorting this out. Sounds like there is a lot here to consider!

I do often feel that I was way to controling... .Even as I've been told often on here, I have to let him suffer and learn from his own actions. I believe the idea originated from him when he was upset, but he made me believe it, along with his family. Yes, we are definitely still attracted to each other... But he flips and flops SO hard SO often about it. One min he will want me, and want me all to his self. But then poof he hates me and wants me out of his life.

Im not really sure that im the soul reason but I often feel that way. The T was encouraging of things working out because she knows that is what I want. She hasnt really given any advice of helping with the break up. I do sometimes feel there is a chance to save things. But that being said I dont want to get my hopes up, even though theyre already up, just to be crushed again. From a relationship now, I want us to compliment eachothers lives, support eachother in out own goals, and relationships OUTSIDE of our romantic relationship. I want him to be completely honest, and I want myself to just accept what he does and says. That being said there are some respect lines that shouldnt be crossed but idk... .I just have this feeling in my gut that he will want to come home, but will fight it so hard. I dont think hes comming home with me. I keep telling myself, that is okay. But really? Is it? Not for me. Not what I want to happen. Of course its going to hurt. Of course... .

I love him so much... .I still worry about his safety even when he is out doing stuff and lying to me. Im not worried about what hes doing, just about if he is gonna be ok or not. If he is safe or not. If I will hear from him ever again or not... .

[pearlsw]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear all this. I know very well how hard it is when someone is on and off with you. I suffered many years with this with my current partner, and felt so confused and alone and like no one else really understood what I'd been experiencing. I had nothing outside myself and only what I read online to validate my reality. Perhaps take advantage of this alone time now to look at your own emotions and expectations and work on getting yourself healthy for whatever the next relationship will be, this or another one.

Oh man, when my first (presumably) BPD boyfriend suddenly left, after literally just saying he "would never leave and wanted to spend his whole life with me" I was flattened. I can still remember all the stages I went through. The denial, grief, acceptance, the works! It was so unbelievably painful and hard. A shock to my system. Because you don't know, you don't know if they will come back, and you are sure, damn sure, they are attracted to you, and all seemed "fine" so how could this happen? But there it is.

Release yourself a bit if you can from the responsibility for him. You have zero control over what he does. But you can send warm wishes from your heart out into the world with him in mind, ya know? Rather than letting your mind ache with pain and fear for him, instead send out the love inside you as a form of meditation. Maybe a small mantra is in order? "I wish X the best with his life wherever it may take him, may he find peace and happiness. May he be free from suffering." Just a thought! Wishing you well too!

[cc2203]

Oh man, when my first (presumably) BPD boyfriend suddenly left, after literally just saying he "would never leave and wanted to spend his whole life with me" I was flattened. I can still remember all the stages I went through. The denial, grief, acceptance, the works! It was so unbelievably painful and hard. A shock to my system. Because you don't know, you don't know if they will come back, and you are sure, damn sure, they are attracted to you, and all seemed "fine" so how could this happen? But there it is.

I am still going to put my best foot forward when I go see him tomorrow. I really hope this works out to the best. I keep telling my self this over and over in my head:

Honest Expectation: We become friends, and then once I leave, he slowly fades out of my life and away.

Preferred Expectation: We become friends, and he begins to value me again. Not in the same capacity as previously but as more than he currently does.

100% best case scenario: We make amends and he wants to come back to our relationship.

I do not believe anything more than the honest expectation will actually occur. But he keeps giving me hope, then a few seconds later, he will rip that hope right out of my hands.

He NEVER wakes up early. Espically now that he is in California. Yesterday he set an alarm for 6:00 am JUST to call me and say good morning! JUST FOR ME! That was soo freakin sweet! I was so excited. I felt so special. So loved. I was sure this trip was going to go great. At the very least I felt like I was going to get the Preferred Expectation. Then he fell back asleep, and a few hours later he woke up and was screaming at me how much he wants me out of his life, and how he hated me. Just like that... .poof... .that safe, secure feeling I just had was gone.

Havent heard from him since that incident last night. Except at 11:30 last night I sent him a message and said goodnight to him. Told him I loved him. He responded, "good night. love you too". This shows me he still cares. He still loves me... but he still mad. He still needs time. I cant do anything but show him im sorry, my support and that ill be waiting... .but people keep telling me that is unhealthy... .that I need to stop. But I feel so obligated to do this. To just take responsibility for what ever I did that upset him. Even if it was nothing at all.