Things have been a little too quiet

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello all,
It has been a little while since I posted on here.  I had to take some time to process everything that has been going on in my personal life the last month.  In general, I have two sisters-in-law who exhibit a lot of traits of BPD and so does my mother in law.  Things got really bad before my husband and I got married, then things simmered down, then they got bad again.  It seems like when my husband and I pull away/set boundaries, we get blamed... .actually to be honest, I get blamed.  My husband is constantly put in these terrible positions between his sisters and me and he and I have hit many low points in our relationship because of it.  His youngest sister seems to be content with us not connecting right now so that is okay with us right now.  His other sister though, seemed to really come after me.  The circumstances were very simple: we had a birthday party for my husband.  He was in charge of inviting whoever he saw fit.  He opted not to invite either of his sisters.  The day of the party, I knew his one sister would be really upset and I encouraged him to reach out, which he did.  She got VERY upset that she was invited last minute and decided it was my fault.  She proceeded to unfriend me and block me on social media, block my phone number, and start a bit of a campaign with family members to tell them how horrible I am.  A few weeks later, I started getting really nasty, borderline threatening comments on my professional blog from an anonymous user.  Over the few months she blocked me out of her life she became even more enraged that my husband defended me.  She learned from his messages that she needed to apologize, but would call me during the work day and then block my number telling my husband that she tried.  This went on for two weeks and I texted and called her back with no return of my messages.  It was so hurtful to me that he believed she was trying and that she was able to manipulate a situation so well that I was set up to fail and look like a b***h.  At my lowest moment in my marriage, I asked to use his phone and I texted her through that.  I told her I want to move forward and that I would like to put things in the past.  That seemed to do the trick and she became friendly with me and my husband again.  She even apologized which was big for her. 
Since that point, we found out that she was fired from her job, moved into an apartment she can't afford, but when you see her, things have "never been better."  I guess I am stuck and am not sure if we are doing her justice by buying into allllllllllll her stories about how fantastic she is and how underappreciated she is in life.  To be honest, I just nod my head because this version of her is much easier to deal with than the other version.  My marriage came to a very bad place because of how I was being treated/how I was being presented.  My husband has grown up with three women who constantly manipulate him that half the time he doesn't see it.  Luckily, the one good part of the low point is he saw what it did to me and he has become more protective over me.  It sucks a lot.  Things have been very quiet lately and I get worried that its about to explode again.  Does anyone else share this feeling?  This loving the quiet, but also feeling really anxious by it?   

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome back Furbaby mom! 

Sounds like a lot of ups and downs for you. I'm glad for the quietness that you currently have. Please be sure to take the time to care for yourself so that you can rest and restore and recuperate and gain some energy back.

Now as to the SILs. At least one is more quiet than the other but I can certainly see how hard it has been for you!

Things have been very quiet lately and I get worried that its about to explode again.  Does anyone else share this feeling?  This loving the quiet, but also feeling really anxious by it?   

These times of quiet tend to lead to hyper vigilance for me, and it sounds as if that may also be the case for you. When will the next blow up be? Where will she try to sabatoge me next? These times of being on edge never really let us rest, either physically or emotionally. My mom was an uBPD and I can well understand. I've carried those high alert survival modes into my adult life too. I really love the title of this particular board because it is a place where I can learn and observe how I cope in my daily life from my childhood learning and see the need to heal and move forward.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity 

I've posted a couple of links that might be of help to you as you try to unravel and understand what is going on. Do you think it's possible that from your SIL's perspective you've come in and 'threatened' her connection to her brother? This would be illustrated by the behavior you are seeing as she projects and shows her emotional immaturity.

Have you considered T with someone who understands BPD? What was your family like as you grew up?

 
Wools

[Furbaby Mom]

Thanks so much for your caring response.
The back story of the two SIL's is complicated, even with me just recently coming into their lives (my husband and I have been together for about 5 years, married for almost one).  The older SIL (SIL 1) was incarcerated when I met my husband.  She had been in and out of jail several times mainly due to her heroine addiction.  She had lost custody of her two children before the last stint in prison.  SIL 2 was much more innocent and ten years younger than my husband.  She had just moved into his apartment in the city when I met him.  He was essentially her father figure, to an unhealthy level.  Her father had left her life and I knew how hard it was for her to not be a full sibling to my husband and his sister (she was essentially the product of an affair).  My MIL had reached out to my husband to take his youngest sister because she "couldn't deal with her anymore."  Quickly I saw that the women in his life adored my husband for his success.  At a young age he was very successful and continues to be.  He went to boarding school under his father's insistence and maintained distant from his family as they went through extreme turmoil.  His mother and father got married 3 times and divorced 2 times.  Their childhood was a mess surrounding their father becoming successful and their mother never being satisfied.  My husband struggles to admit that he never really had a connection with his mom and rarely remembers spending time with her.  She refused to go to Disney with them and only got excited when they would hold big parties at their home for their father's work clients.  I digress... .
The younger sister who was living with my husband was about 20 and had no direction.  She and I had many conversations, visited many schools, looked many jobs up online, but none were what she wanted.  She didn't want to lower herself to take some "stupid" job like a server or bore herself in classes with "morons."  She was overly connected to me and had no boundaries around our relationship.  She came on dates with me and my husband, would get upset to the point of hysteria if we didn't invite her to dinner, etc.  Eventually, their lease came up and my husband decided to move in with me.  That was the start of all hell breaking loose.  She wanted to come see the places with us which we told her she could and she "passed out" during the walk through and then needed us to take her to the hospital because she was in such pain from cramps.  We did and they did not find anything wrong with her.  The day I came over to help my husband pack, she flipped out on both of us and threw things, and had a temper tantrum.  We tried to talk to her and had even secured her an apartment (RENT FREE COURTESY OF US) with her friend.  My husband even gave her a job at his company.  She seemed to be okay for a little while, would come to our new place fairly often, would still talk to me but that time she was talking about her new relationship... .with her male roommate.  That relationship quickly escalated and she would call us in the middle of the night to get her because the cops had been called.  We were still paying for her phone bill and various other bills while she stayed at our house only to go back to this roommate turned bf.  We loved her and supported through it all.  She finally went behind us and went to my husband's friend who is in his 30's and told him about her abusive relationship and he moved her out into his home.  We had no idea we were paying for a house she was not in.  She then ended up sleeping with that guy and went back to the ex bf.  My husband's good friend called him to tell him to get her stuff from his house.  Needless to say, we were shocked and outraged at the secrecy.  At that point, we had heard that she started using drugs, and all these other allegations of sleeping with various friends from my husband's circle, so we back off... .and plus... .we had gotten engaged.  Post engagement, she stopped talking to me and would text my husband things like, "you need to get a pre-nup, she's only with you for your money" and "It's okay to feel really scared and nervous to be marrying her... .we all see it."  She ended up demanding a raise and a promotion at the job, everyone in the office could not stand her, and she barely did any work that my husband had to ask her to leave.  She decided to quit instead and make a scene.

Despite all this, I asked her and her sister to be in our wedding.  I sent an email about hair and makeup and everyone responded but her.  I sent a reminder email, and nothing from her so I scheduled the other hair and makeup.  About a month before the wedding, I got a text from her asking if we are all doing hair and makeup together.  I said yes, I explained I had sent an email a while ago but didn't hear anything so I figured she didn't want to be a part of it.  She flipped at me demanding I make her an appointment, told my husband I left her out, etc.  We then receive an email from ANOTHER of my husband's friends who apparently she had moved in with that was quite lengthy but essentially stated how rude and mean and disgusting I am to purposefully leave her out of hair and makeup.  He then proceeded to write a second email, to which my husband and I responded to explaining ourselves and that this is ridiculous.  He then came to our home, got drunk, and told me that I'm a b****h.  Despite all that, she was still in the wedding and showed up and did what she needed to do (even though she was sobbing the entire time). 
The point is, I have been through the wringer with this girl.  It is very clear to me, and in fact she told me, that I "stole" my husband away from her.  We talked ad nauseum that that was not the case and tried to make her feel included, but there is nothing.  Now, she ignores my presence completely and will send my husband somewhat desperate texts including one from this weekend, "Obviously I mean nothing to you.  Keep growing your business and ignoring the people who love you."  It makes him mad and frustrated and neither of us know what to do.  A lot of damage has been done and I just don't see her ever being okay with me and him together. 
My family is the polar opposite and I have a very strong relationship with all of them, as does my husband.  It's so hard for him to be involved with such toxicity and then to deal with feelings around me and my family.  It's soo hard especially because all three women: SIL 1 SIL 2 and MIL have symptoms if not full blown BPD.  This is my first step in reaching out about all of this because sometimes it becomes too much.