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Red5
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« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2017, 01:15:56 PM » |
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Welcome Applesauce,
As others have said, I am very sorry that you are going through this, but at least you may now have an explanation as to why things are happening, have been happening in your r/s, and that in itself is a blessing. For a long time, in my own r/s, I did not have a clue, thought it was me, As you learn more, you will become more and more aware, and also you will learn the “mechanics” of what is actually happening in your r/s. There are lot of manipulations, controlling behaviors… also there are many terms that you will learn, ie’ gas lighting, projecting/mirroring, “love bombing”, there are many many many more terms to describe how your SO is, has been treating you, and even controlling you, and therein lays the ability to understand, and as your knowledge base grows, you will become much better off within your own mind, and you will stop the knee jerk reacting, and start to act accordingly to the treatment that is being meted out to you.
There are many tools, that can be found throughout this website, so learn all you can, develop coping mechanisms, and set boundaries so that you are no longer a target.
Therapy: // Therapy is a great thing, but do it for yourself first, as your mate may, and most likely will use any group therapy to try and create more issues; blame, assassinate, dysregulate, and then blame some more (ie’ YOU)… the term push-pull comes to mind, so beware of group therapy, you get healthy in your own mind first, I have read that a person with BPD in most cases is immune to any therapy/help, and any semblance of “healing”, or “getting better” is almost nil in many cases.
"Stop Walking on Eggshells": is more like stepping on land mines, seems you never see it coming.
RELIEF - to finally know that I'm not crazy and there are finally answers for how he has treated me over the course of our relationship and why I have become so depressed and a shell of my former self // this is called “losing yourself”… which is obviously not good for you, or your children, so you need to learn all you can, and learn to survive, and be strong.
DEVASTATION - to realize that he will probably never change (confirmed by my many attempts to improve our relationship using many of the tools provided in "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that I utilized even before I read the book) // Correct, these folks are pre-programed from their childhoods, and not likely to ever change, and they in most cases will never admit to themselves that there is a problem (within them).
GRIEF - which continues every day over the loss of my parents, 7 siblings, 9 nieces and nephews and other extended family // This is called family alienation, a classic move to garner control over ->you<-, so then YOU are the one who is isolated, with NO support whatsoever, and thus much easier to control.
FEAR - of what he will do if I actually do file for divorce and start living my life again // Yes, I can concur, but once you come to realize your situation for what it is, and began to think concisely, and objectively, clear minded, you will realize that there is a way to take back your life, read read read, learn all you can about this human physiological condition, before it completely overtakes you (lose yourself).
FEAR - at what this will do to our children and how he will treat them // Yes, this is a big unknown, but know this, as your children get older, they will come to know what’s going on, there won’t be ANY hiding it from them, and they too will become “caught up” in this, and they themselves will become targets FACT, and this is not good for them, or their own mental health obviously.
UNCERTAINTY - do I file for divorce? Do I try to help him by telling him that I think he has BPD? Do I just tell him "it's me and not you" and hope that he doesn't try to take my kids away from me? // talk to a lawyer, a good lawyer, and start getting help of your own (therapy), to be able to cope, most times, as far as I have experienced, and read about, if one ever confronts the undiagnosed BPD, they will deny deny deny, and then start a whole new assassination campaign against you, so be careful. Truth be known, most persons with BPD have a huge fear of abandonment, and they will have serial relationships, one after the other, and as well marriages.
There was abuse in our relationship, and it did become physical. At times, I did fight back and I am certain he will use that against me in court to try to take my kids away. He continues to have a very contentious custody battle with his ex-wife over their now 14-year-old son and can I even hope it will be different with us? // Me2, before I figured out what was going on, I got threatened with divorce (multiple), was told I was… fill in the ___… and we had many knock down drag outs, our home is full of many dinks, dents, and wood putty, patches from the many projectiles that have been launched in anger… this NEVER ends good, so if you get to that point, collect the kids, and leave !… keep a “bail-out” bag packed, some cash, and a plan, if nothing else, just get into your car and drive, escape is best, do not give into anger, no physical stuff, don’t put up with it.
I don't think I've been at a lower point in my life and know that I need to talk to someone. But confiding in anyone right now seems like a poor choice because he's one of those BPD's that everyone else thinks is the the Greatest Guy, the Best Dad, the Perfect Husband, and my only support group are people who are going to believe him over me. I don't even have my own family to turn to, and they have been very unsympathetic towards my situation, even though they know he at least is a narcissist (based on an email with a helpful "your dating a narcissist" wiki links article (sorry, that was sarcasm there!) // These folks are masters at putting up a front, being able to fool lots of people for a long time… yes, find someone you can trust, outside of his range of control, I too was pretty low too for a long time, as that is right where you are most easily controlled, don’t let that happen, get smart, get healthy, and Survive & THRIVE !
I need to find a therapist, but how do I do that without him figuring out why? I can use my parents as the excuse for why I need someone that specializes in non-BP's, but how do I even start? I feel like these next few steps are so important, and I don't want things to get even worse. I am so terrified of what will come if I leave, but also terrified that I will stay and be miserable for the rest of my life. // It’s NOT going to be easy, but construct yourself a plan, and stick to it, one thing a person with BPD fears most, is a strong willed person, so be strong, and firm, take back control, again, learn all you can, so that you may understand better what is going on in your SO’s head, and why “he” is acting the way he is. Knowledge is power.
Just looking for some advice from anyone who may have been in my shoes. I really want to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I also want to know what's realistic for me. Although I never thought this would be my life in a million years, here I am and I am not going to resign myself to this. // I have found a you tube channel(s), I will put the links (urls) here, I found it very helpful, another tool in my tool box, very very very informative !
Is there light at the end of the tunnel, yes, yes there is, but you must be the one who “lights” it, only you can do this for yourself… at least you know now why this has been happening, and now you are no longer “in the dark”… This is a great website, among many, read on, and increase your knowledge !… Stop living in fear, take back control, and stop letting your SO hurt you, control you, and force you to always be on the defence, always reacting to attack, after attack, and then more… Blessings and good luck to you Applesauce !
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