Into choking?

[joeramabeme]

Met a woman and we seemed to hit it off fairly well so went out to dinner. 

During the meal she said F* and Sh!t 30+ times.  So I gave her two  's for that. 

Afterwards we went for a walk and on the drive over she kept alluding to choking; a mini series she watched, have I ever choked etc.   I was sure the reference was sexual and just tried to converse around it. 

That was  #'s 3-10 and so it was a no-go but I am wondering; is this part of the dating scene now or perhaps dating 50+? 

Companionship is on par with sex for me at this age, not sure if I am missing the boat on where this girl was coming from.  Anyone else have this experience?

[once removed]

i pay less attention to personal preferences and more to how a person carries themselves with regards to them.

excessive cursing and talks about choking at that stage just read "too much too soon" and bad boundaries to me. i think that, broadly speaking, is very much part of the dating scene.

[Notwendy]

I'm not on the dating scene and if this is what it is like, it's pretty scary. Not interested in choking.

Yes, those would be red flags for me too. And the too much too soon is a red flag.

On the other hand, I have to hand it to her for her just showing it when it comes to choking and cursing. Someone with BPD might not let it all out there at the get go. So she is either letting it all out there and being authentic, or there is more and she isn't going to let that show ... .yet. You can't really know, you do know that a night of cursing and choking isn't on your to do list and imagine this- if this is what she says on the first date- what could be next?

Good for you to realize choking and cursing aren't your thing and let her move on to find someone for whom it is! And you can move on to find someone you want to be with. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Afterwards we went for a walk and on the drive over she kept alluding to choking; a mini series she watched, have I ever choked etc.   I was sure the reference was sexual and just tried to converse around it.      

A slang use of the word "choking" (per the urban dictionary), is to smoke marijuana.  I believe HBO had a series called "High Maintenance", that was about a bike-riding pot dealer.

During the meal she said F* and Sh!t 30+ times.  So I gave her two  's for that.      

Sounds like you have different moral standards and values. 

When it comes to cursing, I tend to agree with the logic that cursing dumbs down the intellect of the conversation.  Either the person cursing lacks a vocabulary or just likes to follow the herd and curses because others she hangs around with do.

There has been a lot of recent discussion about "F" bombs and other unsavory words dropped by various Democrats during recent formal speeches.  I've read that statistically, cursing is on the rise.  I rarely curse, and when I do, it is generally "Shi#".  Although I will tolerate a little cursing, when something bad happens (i.e. Oh, shi#, my car has a flat tire), I hate liberal cursing (like you described your date using).

I recently returned a DVD movie to Netflix (only watched 10-15 minutes), because  of how many times the "F" bomb was used in the first few minutes of the movie.  i.e. "How the "F" are you?" It wasn't just one character who had a foul mouth, everyone did.

When it comes to romantic relationships, a pattern of liberal cursing (for someone who dislikes cursing), should be a deal breaker.  That type of disparity could be tolerable with a casual and infrequent nonromantic relationship (i.e. with a coworker, someone you occasionally share sporting activities with, etc.)

[Notwendy]

I had no idea! Well I'm not into smoking pot either.

But either way, a date is a way to find out if your values and interests are a match.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I wonder how much of cursing is a stress reliever and how much a fad and how it is becoming more and more acceptable.  Perhaps it is the new social norm. 

I noted the following line with interest: 

There has been a lot of recent discussion about "F" bombs and other unsavory words dropped by various Democrats during recent formal speeches. Underline and italics are mine.

In all fairness, the political discourse all way from top (our president) is fast making it the new social norm.

The term "choking" as a slang for marijuana makes sense as cursing may mean that her stress level was very high and therefore she may have been used to self-medicating with marijuana.

I agree these are red flags.  Your intuition will guide you in the right direction.

[Grey Kitty]

During the meal she said F* and Sh!t 30+ times.  So I gave her two  's for that. 

Some people swear like a f@#$ing sailor. Some people don't. I'm actually a sailor; at least I have that excuse   That said, there are contexts where it is a really bad idea... .like 30+ times on a first date. I restrict my usage to situations where the emphasis is appropriate, and try to stop it from slipping out around people who genuinely dislike it.

So the   stands.

And even with out the bad judgement red flag, you aren't very compatible with her in this regard.

she kept alluding to choking; a mini series she watched, have I ever choked etc.   I was sure the reference was sexual and just tried to converse around it. 

I'm too old to be that up on pop culture to say whether it was a reference to pot or not.

That said, I'm sex positive, and aware that there are a lot of kinky people out there, and don't judge it as a bad thing (in and of itself, at least).

Choking during sex is a thing, and some people are turned on by it. As kinks go, this is one that can be really dangerous if you aren't careful with it. Contrast that with something like spanking--maybe you are into it, maybe you aren't into it... .but nobody will end up dead if it goes badly!

Anyhow... .IF this is the case, instead of something else... .you now have two more apparent problems with this girl:

1. She's into a kink (choking / breath play) that you sound completely squicked out by. (This is an issue, but there is hope for managing it.)

2.   She is talking about it with you on a first date before you've even shown clear interest in any form of sex with her, kinky, vanilla, or anything!

[Notwendy]

I agree that if it was a sexual reference- bringing it up so soon is a 


While there are no two people who are alike, I think a goal of dating is to see if values match up. There are some incompatibilities that make a relationship a no-go- and these can vary.

If one person is devoted to their religion, and dates someone devoted to a different religion- that is probably not something that is workable. People of different religions can be compatible if one or both are willing to be flexible.

Values- one is honest with money, the other one thinks it is OK to do things like cheat on taxes, spend money and not tell the other. Big issues with money and communication are not usually fixable.

Drugs, alcohol, addictions, abuse are deal breakers.

Sex is a big issue. If one person can not feel satisfied without doing X, Y, Z and the other only is comfortable with X and Y. The person who wants Z may feel unhappy and deprived. The person who really doesn't feel comfortable with Z is in a bind. Do Z and feel resentful, or have an unhappy partner. Personally, I'd rather part ways. There are plenty of people happy with X and Y, and plenty of people into Z out there. Let each one be happy.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I'm pretty sure the choking thing was a sexual reference (to BDSM breath play, probably--can be quite dangerous and it sounds like you're not interested at all).  I've been an occasional user of Mary Jane for decades and I have never heard smoking weed referred to as choking (maybe it's a regional thing?).

[HopefulDad]

(reads subject, becomes intrigued)

(replies are not what I was hoping)

(leaves thread dissatisfied)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe, In a way it's a good thing when a date goes poorly due to red flags  because the message is unambiguous.  No need to hem and haw about her!  Suggest you cross her off the list of potential SO's and move on to the next candidate!  There are other fish in the sea.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Thanks all for the replies.  As many have said, I didn't take offense to her mentioning choking, but not on a first date.  This too was only a part of it; she asked me if I have had sex since divorced and how many girls have I been with... .  It never was going anywhere and that is ok.

Part of what I did not address in this post is that now that I am dating again, I have a much more emotionally attuned palette.  I want to meet women that are at first fun just to be with while the clothes are still on and then enhance that feeling with the clothes off.  My take is that she was a clothes-off-first-girl and the rest of it may or may not matter to her. 

The heart of my question about "over 50 dating today" was assuming that people who have had multiple years of life experiences are of the same mindset that I am regarding r/s priorities.  Well I guess that comment leaves me on the long end of the re-entry to dating curve. 

After being with one women for so long, I rather like the predictability of mutual understanding  of values and priorities.  I am still adjusting to the concept that dating means you are going to meet all types of peoples. 

[Grey Kitty]

The heart of my question about "over 50 dating today" was assuming that people who have had multiple years of life experiences are of the same mindset that I am regarding r/s priorities.

I don't think so, but I do see some advantages of over 50 dating for you.

1. They (like you!) should have enough life experience to know what their r/s priorities are. (Many people don't know at 18~25!)

2. That means you don't have to spend/waste much time guessing if theirs and yours match well enough for a second or third date!

You'll find a lot with very different priorities than yours, dating is how you discard them and keep looking for the ones who have the same priorities or at least compatible ones!

[bus boy]

Hey JRB, weather she meant choking in a sexual manner or puffing, both would be a no go in my books. The cursing, I never curse in front of a woman until I hear her curse. If the cursing is to much i, I might look at it as a red flag but it wouldn't fizz me to much.

[momtara]

I don't think that any of us should accept that something that makes us uncomfortable is part of modern dating. I accept that people text more and such. I am not comfortable with dangerous fetishes. (Choking is beyond the pale. Romance or sex should be something you're excited about, not "how am I going to pretend I like this when it scares me." Someone who cusses 30 times in a  conversation - usually a sign of something a bit awry. To each his own - but doesn't mean that has to be MY own.