Heavy heart, cloudy mind

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've had a heavy heart lately.
2 days ago my Partner wBPD raged very badly in the middle of the night. When I tried to exit the house she took my house key off my keychain. I was so angry that I just left with what I had and said I'd be back in 30 mins.
Two hours later she let me back in and we talked about how unhappy she is with our relationship. We concluded that I have a huge weight on myself over the years to do things right and I need to admit that I can't do it all and she gets very disappointed and angry.
We agreed to go to couples counseling.
Yesterday I was very pensive but things were calm.
Today she comes home after completing a summer internship and has now raged at me for not planning anything special to celebrate this milestone after a very challenging summer.
I admit I didn't put anything in place for the evening. And I apologized.
She then escalated to: f you... .and the couples therapist? Who have you called? Who are we seeing? Then there's the classic: if you really love bed me you would... .
When I said I didn't make any calls yet she threw a piece of food at me. I grabbed my keys and phone and said I will not continue talking with food thrown at me.and will return in 20 mins.
She said don't come back and something like take your things and just leave. She did not take my house key though. . I repeated myself and when she responded I disengaged and left.
I am now in my car with 10 mins left before going back in and I both know what I will walk into and also don't know.

The reality is the same: I don't have a plan for celebrating and I don't have a couples counselor ready to talk to.

She has said that our relationship has been the most traumatic out of all of her relationships- even more than her neglectful abusive family.

And it appears that my lack of action reinforces that. My mind just feels so full I can't think clearly and do things that are caring and loving even though I want to.

[Letloverule]

I've had a heavy heart lately.
2 days ago my Partner wBPD raged very badly in the middle of the night. When I tried to exit the house she took my house key off my keychain. I was so angry that I just left with what I had and said I'd be back in 30 mins.
Two hours later she let me back in and we talked about how unhappy she is with our relationship. We concluded that I have a huge weight on myself over the years to do things right and I need to admit that I can't do it all and she gets very disappointed and angry.
We agreed to go to couples counseling.
Yesterday I was very pensive but things were calm.
Today she comes home after completing a summer internship and has now raged at me for not planning anything special to celebrate this milestone after a very challenging summer.
I admit I didn't put anything in place for the evening. And I apologized.
She then escalated to: f you... .and the couples therapist? Who have you called? Who are we seeing? Then there's the classic: if you really love bed me you would... .
When I said I didn't make any calls yet she threw a piece of food at me. I grabbed my keys and phone and said I will not continue talking with food thrown at me.and will return in 20 mins.
She said don't come back and something like take your things and just leave. She did not take my house key though. . I repeated myself and when she responded I disengaged and left.
I am now in my car with 10 mins left before going back in and I both know what I will walk into and also don't know.

The reality is the same: I don't have a plan for celebrating and I don't have a couples counselor ready to talk to.

She has said that our relationship has been the most traumatic out of all of her relationships- even more than her neglectful abusive family.

And it appears that my lack of action reinforces that. My mind just feels so full I can't think clearly and do things that are caring and loving even though I want to.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry I haven't seen this sooner. You must have felt so desperate there in the car. I've been there... .

How are things now?

This is just my view after reading your post:

It souds like you are overwhelmed, no wonder how you can't think clearly and make the appointments or know what to do. You need time to relax and not feel so pressured. You want to do things right, but you are pretrified, because you feel you can't. You feel anything you do is going to look bad in her eyes, doesn't it?

Is there a time when she is rational? If so, you have to talk to her, tell her you are not Superman, you are a human with flaws and limits, and you are now reacting, improvising, and you have a lot of anxiety about wanting her to like you, and that anxiety is stoping you. It stops you from accesing your goals, your true feelings and your ability to make and execute plans. YOU are disregulated because of the stress. You both need to relax, and remember how much you love each other. If she doesn't agree, you need to find your own way to stop, and breathe, and get back in contact with your center.

You like tennis? Sometimes you have to lose a game so you can serve in the next, and turn around the match.

Take care

[Letloverule]

Thanks for your response.
I went back in 10 mins later and she wasn't home. I started doing chores around the house and she came back and asked why I'm still there- to take my things and leave.
So I did once again.
2 hrs later I'm in the parking lot of a mall listening to stop walking on eggshells audiobook and she calls saying she's not angry anymore and asked if I'm ready to come back.
The rest of the weekend was up and down. Honestly, with two females in a same sex relationship- both of us were being hormonal.
You are absolutely correct in that I need to chill out more.
The anxiety cripples me.
She is rational a lot of times but I haven't taken many opportunities to tell her how I feel- mainly because she is predictably unpredictable.