Residence battle with father of 3yo following DV in BPD r/s

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

My story is a long one, as is the case for all of us, so I'll try to keep it brief and to the main points.  

In January, my BPDexbf struck me in front of my 3 year old.  This was the first and only time my child was present in the home for any overtly abusive behaviour from my ex.

The ex had ongoing suicidal tendencies, again which had been kept away from my son (he spent time with his father and these were the occasions that the behaviours that my ex had shown restraint around in his presence would surface) however I was significantly affected by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) around this issue.

Following the incident social services arrived without notice and demanded I sign a form which would make my ex homeless effective immediately, so that there would be no contact between he and my child.  Whilst I was in agreement about the no contact, I hesitated to make my ex homeless without some plan in place for alternative accommodation because of my fear of him taking his life and this being on my conscience.  The matter was swiftly taken out of my hands.

My child was removed from my home and placed with his father, who has narcissistic traits and does a great job of playing the good guy.  Soon after this he informed me that he intended to apply for a Child Arrangement Order (UK) and wanted me to swap roles with him, becoming a weekend mother.  

I'm prepared to accept a shared care agreement, whereby his control cannot be legally enforced and my child has the best of both worlds through equal time with his parents.  The reason I'm not seeking full residence is for health reasons of my own and the fact that my child's father wants to now be more involved, which is a positive (He was previously working full time).

Social services however are in support of his application and this is the issue I face.  I split up with my ex within a month of the incident and he left mid February.  It is now September.  I have no contact, have attended a 12 week domestic abuse recovery programme and am receiving support for my health issues including emotional health.  There is no risk of my returning to the relationship.

Any ideas about how I can strengthen my case?  We return for second hearing in November.  Before this, the social worker must interview me for a recommendations report to be submitted.  CAFCASS have stepped back as they feel they don't need to be involved.  I've been happy to resolve things amicably throughout, requested mediation which was refused and have continually stated that court proceedings are unnecessary.  

We already have in place the level of contact and routine that I would be happy to continue with ongoing.  This has been active for 3 months in it's final form.  By Nov it will have been 6 months.  My child is healthy, happy, confident and outgoing.  He is much more settled emotionally since he has been allowed to return home for overnight stays 3 months ago, which he'd been very distressed about having denied to him.  

I have equal contact daytime during the course of a week and 3 overnight stays to 4 with his father.  It was an uphill battle to get to that point as his father was attempting to delay any progress to overnight stays at all until after the order is in place.  I know he was bolstering his case in preventing the level of contact we have moved to.  Now he wishes to reduce the overnight stays to 2 so that contact is less, and has the support of the social worker.

My parenting has never been in question.  My home is safe and secure.  I have nothing but resounding feedback from services my son and I have engaged with whilst he was with me full time about his development and well being all round.  

I fear any further emotional damage being inflicted upon my son if the child arrangement order is put into place and he spends less time with his mother.  His father has anger issues and a drink problem.  The only person under scrutiny in all of this is myself.  I accept my mistakes, have learned from them and have moved on.  I don't wish for them to impact my son for 13 years.    

Thanks for reading.  Open to any thoughts, suggestions and similar experiences.

Love and light x    

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

My story is a long one, as is the case for all of us, so I'll try to keep it brief and to the main points.  

In January, my BPDexbf struck me in front of my 3 year old.  This was the first and only time my child was present in the home for any overtly abusive behaviour from my ex.

The ex had ongoing suicidal tendencies, again which had been kept away from my son (he spent time with his father and these were the occasions that the behaviours that my ex had shown restraint around in his presence would surface) however I was significantly affected by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) around this issue.

Following the incident social services arrived without notice and demanded I sign a form which would make my ex homeless effective immediately, so that there would be no contact between he and my child.  Whilst I was in agreement about the no contact, I hesitated to make my ex homeless without some plan in place for alternative accommodation because of my fear of him taking his life and this being on my conscience.  The matter was swiftly taken out of my hands.

My child was removed from my home and placed with his father, who has narcissistic traits and does a great job of playing the good guy.  Soon after this he informed me that he intended to apply for a Child Arrangement Order (UK) and wanted me to swap roles with him, becoming a weekend mother.  

I'm prepared to accept a shared care agreement, whereby his control cannot be legally enforced and my child has the best of both worlds through equal time with his parents.  The reason I'm not seeking full residence is for health reasons of my own and the fact that my child's father wants to now be more involved, which is a positive (He was previously working full time).

Social services however are in support of his application and this is the issue I face.  I split up with my ex within a month of the incident and he left mid February.  It is now September.  I have no contact, have attended a 12 week domestic abuse recovery programme and am receiving support for my health issues including emotional health.  There is no risk of my returning to the relationship.

Any ideas about how I can strengthen my case?  We return for second hearing in November.  Before this, the social worker must interview me for a recommendations report to be submitted.  CAFCASS have stepped back as they feel they don't need to be involved.  I've been happy to resolve things amicably throughout, requested mediation which was refused and have continually stated that court proceedings are unnecessary.  

We already have in place the level of contact and routine that I would be happy to continue with ongoing.  This has been active for 3 months in it's final form.  By Nov it will have been 6 months.  My child is healthy, happy, confident and outgoing.  He is much more settled emotionally since he has been allowed to return home for overnight stays 3 months ago, which he'd been very distressed about having denied to him.  

I have equal contact daytime during the course of a week and 3 overnight stays to 4 with his father.  It was an uphill battle to get to that point as his father was attempting to delay any progress to overnight stays at all until after the order is in place.  I know he was bolstering his case in preventing the level of contact we have moved to.  Now he wishes to reduce the overnight stays to 2 so that contact is less, and has the support of the social worker.

My parenting has never been in question.  My home is safe and secure.  I have nothing but resounding feedback from services my son and I have engaged with whilst he was with me full time about his development and well being all round.  

I fear any further emotional damage being inflicted upon my son if the child arrangement order is put into place and he spends less time with his mother.  His father has anger issues and a drink problem.  The only person under scrutiny in all of this is myself.  I accept my mistakes, have learned from them and have moved on.  I don't wish for them to impact my son for 13 years.    

Thanks for reading.  Open to any thoughts, suggestions and similar experiences.

Love and light x    

[ForeverDad]

A tough lesson most of us had to learn was that we can't afford to feel sorry for our ex, not when parenting is the bigger issue.

Understand that a person with BPD, or similar acting out PD, is that control is a paramount issue with them.  In your case it seems that his professed suicidal tendencies never resulted in suicide but did impact you to weaken your objectivity regarding solid parenting.  And here you are, so to speak, almost on the outside looking in.

This goal of reducing your overnights, why are the professionals seeking this?  Or is the source really your ex's demands and manipulations?  Can you stand strong so things don't get any worse and keep things the way they are?  We know how unrelenting the allegations and insinuations are from a disordered ex but the key is to keep strong boundaries and focus on ensuring the professionals in the case aren't conned and thus manipulated.

How strange (okay, typical) that your suicidal ex is now no longer being suicidal.  Sounds like it was a front all along to play you.

How likely do you think it will be that he will wander away from parenting once he get his Good Dad award?  What was his pattern before this separation, was he an involved dad?  Do you think he will drift back to that prior pattern?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thanks for your reply.

You are so right.  I made a terrible mistake in allowing myself to be emotionally controlled in this way and was such an anxious mess when confronted with what felt like a life or death decision that I let both myself and my son down badly.  I don't believe in regret but I have certainly gone back over all of the things I would do differently.  The impact of that moment of turmoil and weakness has been enormous.

In your case it seems that his professed suicidal tendencies never resulted in suicide

This is the kicker.  He did make several serious attempts during the r/s, prior to my meeting him and I believe has continued on the same path.  I feel for anyone who cares for him now.  It's a horrible thing to have to go through and has profound effects on a person.  You are absolutely correct though, that control was a central issue and one that I've explored in my 12 week programme.  I'm red flag aware up to my eyeballs now.

This goal of reducing your overnights, why are the professionals seeking this?  Or is the source really your ex's demands and manipulations?  Can you stand strong so things don't get any worse and keep things the way they are?  We know how unrelenting the allegations and insinuations are from a disordered ex but the key is to keep strong boundaries and focus on ensuring the professionals in the case aren't conned and thus manipulated.

Your question is a good one and one which I'm trying to get to the bottom of myself.  I believe it is predominantly the latter driving this.  It has been his goal all along to only 'allow' me 2 nights a week as that is 'what he had' previously.  Bear in mind he was working full time so that is all he was practically able to have.  Had this not been the case I would have encouraged further contact - he also saw my son in the evening every other day to give him tea at his home following work and then brought him back at bedtime.  I encouraged them to spend as much time together over holidays as possible, so that my son could benefit from the extra contact with his father.  For whatever reason, he has had it in his head from word go that we would effectively 'swap roles' however due to a chronic pain condition I had to give up my career 6 years ago and so am available unlike he who was doing 40 hours a week at work.  It makes no sense to me that my son's time with me would be limited in this way.  What reason would my child understand for seeing less of his mother?

I'm pleased to say that at our first hearing, where proposals were made by my son's father and declined by myself, the court decided to keep the contact as it is until at least the next hearing, so for the time being it seems set.  I intend to continue being a good mother, focusing on my son and making the most of our increased time together, which shows benefits in itself.  He had developed some undesirable behaviours since staying with his father which I've been working on eliminating and am pleased to say that he is returned to his old self.

So far as social services having reasons, the only valid one is the original meeting I described, in which I did myself no favours.  My whole life has changed since that point, by removing that person from it and working on myself.  I could not be in a more different place to the one I was in during that awful moment.

My son's father did make claims that my son had 'regressed' during their time together following the commencement of overnight stays, clinging to him and becoming shy and reserved with his paternal family.  He had his sister contact the social worker to corroborate this.  My observations and those of all who have spent time with us is exactly the opposite.  My son is in his element.  Add this claim to the fact that he did have a wobble about going into nursery for a couple of weeks, saying he no longer liked it and it later came out that a little boy was pushing him (unfortunately to me, in private) and the social worker decided this meant that I was seeing too much of my son and this was the reason why his behaviour was altered.  His behaviour categorically is not altered.  The meeting where this was decided did not include either myself or the nursery room supervisor who was close to the situation with my son.  So his father led the horse to water and she drank.  I'm yet to have opportunity to put forward the other perspective and fill in the blanks, and recognise I now have a challenge here to convince her otherwise. 

How likely do you think it will be that he will wander away from parenting once he get his Good Dad award?  What was his pattern before this separation, was he an involved dad?  Do you think he will drift back to that prior pattern?

This made me smile.  It's a difficult one to judge right now.  As long as I've known him, he has hated working or doing anything that involves being a responsible adult, so whilst the benefit of having my child full time initially has been that he 'had to' give up his job which he loathed, he has instead replaced this with something demanding more adult behaviour. 

He seems committed to proceeding with this, although knowing him for 13 years I can say that he will stubbornly refuse to change course even in the knowledge that what he started was a mistake.  He cannot admit to being wrong.  Sorry is not in his vocabulary.  This man does not mess up, ever.  There was regular contact, however I was always the one driving the actual parenting and collaboration between us.  He would consult me on anything that arose which was outside his comfort zone.  Generally communication from his side is non existent and his behaviour towards me is less than desirable, so I've continually risen above this and maintained a teamwork approach, led by example and given guidance on how things should be done in the best interests of our son.  I actively involved him on all decisions and plans for parenting strategies as a matter of course, keeping him updated on anything we were handling behaviourally, for example.   

If he gains an order which gives him main responsibility it may be that he enjoys that sense of control and simply continues his plan to be Good Dad, however satisfied that he will no longer 'have to' listen to me and therefore making a royal mess of our child and excluding me from involvement in anything in his life.  Which will lead me to pursue this and bring him internal discomfort.  It is also possible he is already regretting this entire decision, as his impatience, intolerance and short fuse has been frequently reflected in my son's behaviour.  So it is possible he isn't coping so well with the arrangements as they stand.  It was certainly much more evident before we divided the time more equally(although I've maximised that time by working on these behaviours with my son), therefore he would potentially not be achieving much positive in reducing my time with my son if he feels the strain of parenting.  He has drunk himself into a stupor during at least two days that I'm aware of since my son began staying overnight with me (during the first week alone) so he's certainly either feeling the pressure or is embracing the freedom of a full day off.

If an order was successfully implemented by him(let's hope not), and things appear to be going off the rails, what options am I likely to have to handle this?

Love and light x 



     











 

[ForeverDad]

During my two year divorce I was stuck as an alternate weekend parent.  We settled on Trial Day, I learned later her lawyer had told her she would lose at trial.  The custody evaluator was for equal time Shared Parenting but his initial report's recommendation was that if it failed then I should have custody.  Well, her entitled behaviors, which included playing games with trades, exchanges and phone calls, gave me ammunition to return to court and seek custody and majority time.  She even tried to justify obstructing my planned vacation with our son by saying she wanted Kwanzaa, an event we had never observed before, in court she said she wanted to observe the Jewish holiday Kwanzaa.  My lawyer had a field day with that one.  She clearly confused Kwanzaa with Hanukkah.  Well, I did get full custody but the Guardian ad Litem (GAL, son's lawyer) didn't want to move from equal time, expecting her to behave better as she received child support.  She didn't and within a year we were back in court and that time I did get majority time but only during the school year.  The magistrate determined Mother was denigrating and disparaging Father before the Child but gave her "one more try" for summers.

Overall, it is up to you to do your best to seek as good an order as possible, don't expect others to do it for you.  As I detailed above, even a poor order can be improved over time.  Yes, it took me about 8 years to get an equitable order but despite the court's slow and minimal steps things did get better regarding my parenting.

There's a saying sometimes repeated here, The poorly behaving parent seldom gets consequences and the well behaving parent seldom gets credit.  The point is that court ignores much of the behaviors unless it's really bad.  It may ignore the overdrinking if not done while the parent has the children.  The suicidal history ought to mean something but in the USA often the court will consider incidents within the past 6 months unless a pattern can be demonstrated.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks ForeverDad,

I really appreciate your replies.  It's wonderful to hear that with persistence you made progress and things have improved greatly.  I realise this may take time and I both have that and will never give up on my son so I'm in for the long haul if needs be.  Thanks so much for sharing your story with me.  It has brought me much reassurance and spurred me on.  At the end of the day if these people are all about putting the child's needs above all else then you would think it were more simple but I can understand the complexities of the system too.  Especially when you throw a PD into the mix. 

Love and light x

[sweetheart]

Hello Harley Quinn,

What you will be judged on IME (I am in the UK), and unfortunately whilst our circumstances differ, my experience with ss is that no matter what you do you will be judged negatively by them, because if you prioritised your ex's emotional well-being over your child's, you might just do it again if they allow you the majority of time with your son. So they are now biased against you.
You will as you have found most likely continue to be excluded by ss from important discussions as they will perceive his father now as your son's primary care giver. Make sure you invite yourself and any appropriate supportive professionals to all relevant meetings.
The system is not supposed to work like this but it does. I am a member of a closed support group for families struggling to navigate Children's Services.

Do you have a solicitor, if not get one who is completely independent of ss and does no reports for them, and are you recording your conversations with the sw?
My advice would be to make sure you record the assessment with the sw for the court report.
How would you feel in a worst case scenario about allowing the Order to be implemented and then doing everything possible to pick up every bit of slack that your son's father lets go of as potentially the responsibility of being primary parent takes its toll?
The most important part of this is for ss to be out of the equation for you, because they will again IME continue to negatively influence outcomes for you. Their remit here in the UK has changed in recent years, and they are much more aggressively reactive because of some high profile cases.
 Do they know your son's father has his own emotional issues?
I'm not meaning to come across like the Prophet of Doom, but your lapse of good judgement will now potentially be the stick to beat you with.

Continuing to be proactive in parenting your son, good communication and visible positive presence at his nursery. Positive, open (but not too open) communication with the sw. Letting them know that whatever the outcome you will always have your son's best interests at heart.  Try not to get into a situation whereby you are convincing ss that you did or didn't do something (kind of don't JADE) just let them see you being the very best parent you can be. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sweetheart,

Thanks so much for your reply.  I'm very grateful for all the advice and insight I can get.

You're absolutely right about my lapse in judgement resulting in them being biased against me.  This is what I've found and I can also understand how they do throw the book at people now following the high profile cases.  In the same light I've also met women who have CS involvement and have been in 10+ year highly violent relationships with children in the home so it seems to be a strange setup to me.  Still, I know what I must wear and wear it I shall.  What is above all else most important to me is my son.  The emotional damage that has been inflicted upon him since that day is far greater than anything that he experienced in that solitary moment, which does cause me heartbreak and is something I'm determined will not affect him forever, hence my desire to ensure that his care is balanced which I feel is best for him all round.

Make sure you invite yourself and any appropriate supportive professionals to all relevant meetings.
The system is not supposed to work like this but it does. I am a member of a closed support group for families struggling to navigate Children's Services.

 

Would you recommend that I do have others attend the CIN meetings with me, and if so which professionals would you suggest?  I haven't so far. 

Regards Children's Services, a separate issue I guess I have is the actual conduct of the sw.  The reason I've not raised this is because we are so far down the line and it might hinder the case, however her behaviour was rude and abrupt to say the least on the last occasion I attempted to speak to her.  I find her impossible to reach and the last time we sat down in a meeting together was 15 weeks ago.  She has told me she changed her mobile phone and hasn't given me her new number.  I've always been polite, professional in my approach and engaged fully however have been wary of contacting her since the last call and am more inclined to await contact from her.  So far any communication I've had with her has been instigated by myself and has been very limited due to her availability.  Any thoughts on how best to handle this?  I appreciate the not JADEing reminder, as I do feel she has me on a back foot and I'll keep this firmly in mind when we do speak next.

I do have a solicitor who is independent and haven't thought to record anything but will look into this.  Might need to find an app for my phone.  Wouldn't have thought of this, however was planning to ask to have a witness present for the assessment.

How would you feel in a worst case scenario about allowing the Order to be implemented and then doing everything possible to pick up every bit of slack that your son's father lets go of as potentially the responsibility of being primary parent takes its toll?
The most important part of this is for ss to be out of the equation for you, because they will again IME continue to negatively influence outcomes for you.

In the worst case scenario, that is all I can really do.  I'll always have as much time with my son as I can and be clear that I'm available.  I've always been and always will continue to be flexible with his father and would have liked to think he might follow suit.  You're right there about ss.  In fact, the last meeting was hopefully going to be the last full stop, as they were planning to step back and leave us to it.  Had it not been for the allegations of my son's regression in behaviour by his father I feel we were there.  There was only the contact to be organised between us.  So close... .   

Do they know your son's father has his own emotional issues?

I've spoken briefly with both social workers about this and they have acknowledged it, yet as the one under scrutiny here I don't know that they put much weight in what I say.  I'm unsure about the drinking, although his drink driving charge and another drunken offence were on his CAFCASS report in the police record section.  Any advice?

Love and light x   

 

[sweetheart]

Bear with me as I have a some questions to ask you.

How often does the sw see your son's father? Is it possible you are seen together so there can be no splitting by either your ex or sw?



To all CIN meetings you can take a supportive member of staff from your son's nursery. Request in writing that they attend, this way you can address any issues arising from the nursery to the meeting where minutes are taken. Make sure anyone you add to the list is on your side.
You can also take your own minutes and ask that the Chair sign them as an accurate account of what is discussed.
Same with meetings with sw, take your own minutes, get sw to sign to say this is what was discussed.
Yes also you can take a supportive friend, trusted colleague to the meeting. Ss won't like it but they can't stop you.
Who currently attends your CIN meetings and often are they? What according to the CIN careplan is their actual documented reason for involvement?
What is their ongoing involvement for?

Remember ss are not allowed to just monitor a situation they have to be acting according to the initial CIN documentation, so check and then ask them about their involvement in the next CIN. Do you know when this will be?

Are there any other professionals actively involved in yours or your son's life?

This is the link to current guidelines in UK for recording www.transparencyproject.org.uk/press/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Whymightparentswanttorecordmeetingsv2jan16.pdf
I openly recorded all my CIN meetings and home visits with sw after an absolute horror of an Initial Assessment. You can record covertly if necessary you do not need consent if it is for your own personal use. A transcript of recording can also be offered up in court even if covert. Your phone should have a reasonable record app if not I use Voice Record Pro.

In answer to the situation with the sw, only contact her through the reception staff so all your calls are logged. Take the name of the person that you leave a message with and keep your own log. My advice would be to have as little contact as possible with sw outside official meetings that way things can't be skewed.
If her behaviour going forward is rude and/or unprofessional, doesn't return calls, not acting according to threshold criterias then raise this in writing as a concern to the CIN team leader.

You can check online for your area the CiN threshold criteria for involvement and statutory timeframes for meetings and reports.
15 weeks is unacceptable, they are just drifting in IMO. They absolutely should be out of your lives by now.
Are you aware that CIN is a voluntary arrangement? I asked for my CIN to be closed as they did nothing and it was. There are no Child Protection issues so they cannot escalate up.

[Harley Quinn]

I had to take stock of a few things following your reply.  Firstly in answer to your questions, I couldn't say how often the sw has met with my ex individually, as he doesn't communicate any of this to me.  I'm aware she has visited he and my son a couple of times at most during this whole process.  I'd imagine he has had greater success than I at reaching her by phone however.  

We have had a couple of meetings together just the three of us to discuss contact arrangements over the early months.  Nothing for a long time however.  There was one arranged some weeks ago, which my ex cancelled.  It was meant to be rescheduled but there has never been any further contact from her - to myself at least.

The CIN meetings have all been at nursery, with the nursery manager and room supervisor present.  I've never been provided with minutes of any of the meetings, nor a CIN careplan!  (This is one of the things I went to double check after your reply.)  

The attendees to the meetings have been both of us parents, sw and the 2 nursery representatives.  The meetings were every 6 to 7 weeks.  There have been 4 in total including the last one.  I've not been informed that there is another planned.  I've not been contacted at all since that meeting.  My ex told me that he had attended at short notice and that the sw said she would ring me later that day.  I managed to reach her 5 days later and that's when she was short with me.  

As far as I understood, the CIN was due to end imminently and the last meeting ought to have been the end, as they were happy to step back and leave care arrangements to us to sort out.  There really isn't so far as I can see any other reason for them to still be involved.  I guess since the assumptions were made at the last meeting that the situation may have changed, however as I said I've not been notified of anything.  My son's father received minutes of the last meeting by email.  I've asked him to forward me a copy.  

The more I read your post the more it doesn't seem like much protocol is being followed.  

Regards other professionals in our lives at present, in short no.  However we did previously receive support from a charity organisation.  I've got an outstanding letter with their observations to provide.  Also a supporting letter from the domestic abuse support service who have worked with me, which talks of my engagement in learning about prevention of recurrence, proactivity in seeking other support and my having moved on from the abuse.    

Thanks so much for the link with the guidelines for recording.  I read it with interest and have downloaded an app.  I will take your advice and record everything else, as I too had a horrific initial assessment which was way off in parts and feel this has had a real impact.  I'm also ridiculously poor at taking notes whilst focusing on the conversation so your suggestion to record is a fantastic one.  Can't thank you enough as I'd never have considered it.  I'm a trusting soul and clearly that gets me burned sometimes... .When I have the assessment I shall ask my witness to draw up minutes so that I can remain on point.    

In answer to the situation with the sw, only contact her through the reception staff so all your calls are logged. Take the name of the person that you leave a message with and keep your own log. My advice would be to have as little contact as possible with sw outside official meetings that way things can't be skewed.

How I wish I'd have recorded my attempts to reach her through the office and voicemails left since this started!  I'd have had grounds enough to write long before now.  At present my gut tells me to await her contact and an update.  

Are you aware that CIN is a voluntary arrangement? I asked for my CIN to be closed as they did nothing and it was. There are no Child Protection issues so they cannot escalate up.

I had no idea that was the case.  I will be asking some questions with this information in mind when I next have a meeting.  

Thank you so much.

Love and light x

[sweetheart]

The key is to ask for CiN to be either closed or ask for an end date. It has to be signed off by sw manager to close. As I said it is a S17 voluntary arrangement that you enter into, most parents don't know this. You can refuse input but is harder for you because you and your sons father are not together. As it stands the current CiN intervention disadvantages you and currently is of advantage to your sons father. This is unfortunate because it would be great if you both wanted the case closed. Is this a question you could pose to him, he might not be aware of the advantages the CiN plan open give him?

I would wait until the next planned meeting and ask specifically what they are staying involved for and how much longer this will be?
If you don't have a copy of the Initial care plan, get one, this will help you see what they are supposed to be doing.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

Just a quick update.  I saw the sw last week unexpectedly.  She arrived at my home and said there had been a CIN meeting that morning.  I'd not been informed.  Neither, it seems, had nursery.  So they held the meeting briefly and she came to see me to ask me about the information she needed.  There was nothing for her to update me on.  She did however tell me that the next meeting is the last and will be before the court date (a month later).  It is her plan to do the recommendations report information gathering with me following the CIN meeting.  I'm going to have a witness present.

Unfortunately as I was unprepared for this visit I wasn't on the ball and forgot to ask about the care plan, however I've contacted my son's father for her email address.  If I hear back with this I'll drop her a line requesting it before the meeting.  

Otherwise, my son has been back at nursery two weeks now and is doing great at drop off and throughout his days there.  He's really bubbly, smiley and chatty in the morning as I leave and I get a big wave and a 'bye bye' from him. I'm getting fantastic feedback from them about him, which is wonderful as he's had an extra day a week with me through the summer and is showing real progress following this.  His confidence is going from strength to strength and he is very happy and settled in his routine.  He knows he'll see each of us soon when with the other parent, as there are no long gaps where he doesn't see one of us.  

If he ever says anything about missing his father I explain that this is good as we miss one another because we love one another very much and look forward to our time together.  He is happy with this and it has been quite some time since he mentioned that to me, so I feel he is comfortable with that feeling as being OK.  I told him it works both ways - that his father misses him too when he is with mummy and that I miss him when he is with his father and that's good.  He said he misses me too.  I feel he understands that his time with each of us is equal and appreciates that.

Once I receive the CIN care plan I'll be back with any questions that may arise.  Thanks for your support and encouragement.

Love and light x