Phones and dysregulation question

[5xFive]

So my h has no boundaries and refuses to respect any that I set. He is very disruptive to me when I am at work - if he is dysregulating. I have had to tell him that I am not allowed my cell phone at my desk ( I am but I have had to lie about this), and then I have to work HARD to remember when things are good, that I can't text him about something because he will eventually dysregulate again, and if he thinks I have my phone, he will text me 100 times in an hour. I have been working on this for the last month and he has finally started to get it.

When he is having a bad day, he will text me something awful, and then call me at work and say word for word what he texted. This actually amuses me slightly. Most recently, he has started calling my work # multiple times a day, getting mad at me, hanging up, and calling right back again to yell at me. I don't normally answer the phones (but I do try to grab it when I see that it is him), and apparently one of my co-workers has complained to my boss that he is disrupting HER, so now he is not allowed to call me at work as well. My boss is super understanding, and he knows the BPD situation, but he is right - I should not be getting all of these calls while I am trying to work.

I had to tell h this when I was on my break so that he didn't call again, and he got SO mad at me that he punished me by blocking me from his cell and his work cell. He does not work out of an office, he has a work truck and he works by himself, so he can answer his phone anytime he is not with a client. But in order to punish me bc he is angry, he has blocked me so I can't call, or text him. But he can still text me! And so he did, telling me that he has removed me as his emergency contact, and he will make sure they call "someone else" if something happens to him.

My struggle is I am upset that BPDh is punishing me by not allowing me to call him when I told him that he can't call me during the day. Also, I am freaking about how my evening is going to look when I get home if h can't blast me throughout the day, is he gonna save it all up and emotionally whale on me at the end of the day? Or do you think it will be good - give him a chance to cool off? Give me a place for peace during the day?

Why am I so conflicted? Am I being a hypocrite? Have any of you felt this way, and figured out what you were feeling? I am struggling to put a label on this emotion but I think I need to know what I'm feeling in order to be able to work through it... .Thanks

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[ozmatoz]

I have this same problem.  My wife will text bomb me all day when she is not working (sometimes even when she is).  She seems to want to have a dysregulated argument through text.  Occasionally she'll call me too and its usually to get some seething comment in that just cannot be conveyed through a text message.  One of her big issues is me working late and missing dinner with the kids.  I have explained over and over again that if she takes up hours of my day I am forced to work late.  I beg her to just let me get my work done so I can get out on time but she gives zero s--ts about stomping over any boundaries that I set up.  She has told me that I am not allowed to have any boundaries from her.  I don't deserve them or get to have them based upon all of my previous actions that make her feel bad.

If I do ignore the texts or don't reply back within minutes the spiral just gets worse and more heated.  I'm a manager of a very busy company and I often have team members in my office looking for help.  I was told that if I was going to be away from our "conversation" for more than a few minutes I should be letting her know.  She feels that it is ok for me to interrupt my meetings to tell everyone I need to tell my wife I'll brb... .

I also have found that if I can't at least bring her down a little before I get home I walk into hell.

I have yet to find a way to combat this behavior but if I come across anything that works or at least takes the edge off I will let you know!

Good luck,
-Oz

[JoyfulOne777]

I am new to learning about BPD, about a year ago realized my husband probably has it. For me, the most helpful thing I've been using is disassociation (I think that's what it's called). Before, I would take the unusual or unacceptable behavior personally or try to talk about it as if it wasn't totally strange behavior, but now I know that I am a caregiver to someone with mental illness. Just like I don't let it get to me when my children throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want, ( when I know I'm doing what's best for them). Now I do the same thing with my husband. It's hard because with BPD they seem so normal a lot of the time, but the rages are not okay, and now I've learned to respond to irrational behavior with calmly stating my boundaries, not allowing myself to be drawn into a fight. I say, let's discuss this later when we're both calm etc. Changing my thinking has helped so much and I'm actually getting good results. What if he was autistic? I wouldn't let his episodes change my decisions, just like a nurse wouldn't, but I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself so I can remain calm and detached from the situation.

You don't have to be a victim anymore. You have power over what you will allow into your life. I didn't realize this for so long and feeling trapped made me feel powerless, but now I have courage to stand up for myself in a kind way and if he has a tantrum about it, I don't give it any attention just like I wouldn't try to reason with my child in the middle of a tantrum.

[Radcliff]

Monucka,

Let me first ask what the current situation is.  You said he's starting to get it.  Have the improvements held, and you're processing how you feel from the past events, or have things backslid and ruined your day?

The striking thing about what you're dealing with, to me, is that you're working to support your family and keep the bills paid, and when he invades work he not only undermines that and puts it at risk, but brings BPD to your entire day, taking more from you.  That is sad, not fair, and incredibly stressful.  I'm sorry you're having to put up with it.  In a black period I get a good dose of harassment from my wife at work, so understand how disruptive it can be.  (ozmatoz I thought about quoting the parts of your reply that matched my experience until I realized it was every word!)

My struggle is I am upset that BPDh is punishing me by not allowing me to call him when I told him that he can't call me during the day. 

I am struggling to put a label on this emotion but I think I need to know what I'm feeling in order to be able to work through it

This is totally not fair, and I'd be upset in the same situation.  Letting go of this upsetness might help you feel better, if you can first understand why you're upset and respect that feeling.   Any more thoughts on what you are feeling?

Also, I am freaking about how my evening is going to look when I get home if h can't blast me throughout the day, is he gonna save it all up and emotionally whale on me at the end of the day? Or do you think it will be good - give him a chance to cool off? Give me a place for peace during the day?

That uncertainty of what you're going to walk into can be so anxiety provoking.  I think it's got to be pretty common among us.  Certainly happens with great regularity to me.  Hard to know if he will cool off, I've given up guessing.  Be ready for the worst and you might get a good surprise.

W.r.t. peace during the day, you have to get the peace.  You need it for your sanity, but also for the paycheck.  This seems like a good place for a strong boundary.  Sounds like you've made some progress on it.  Has something happened recently that's made you feel worse?

Why am I so conflicted? Am I being a hypocrite? Have any of you felt this way, and figured out what you were feeling?

What is it about your situation that makes you worry about being a hypocrite?

When I get harrassed at work I feel many things.  I'm bothered that she tries to have a dysregulated discussion over e-mail about unimportant things or very important things we should be face to face for.  I feel anxious and sad and angry all at the same time.  I worry that it's affecting my mental performance on the job, and I definitely can lose way too much work time dealing with it (I need to work on taking my own advice about boundaries   It can blow my concentration for the rest of the day, especially if threats are involved.  I think that just about covers it.  How do you feel when it happens?

[5xFive]

Yes. OZ, I know what you mean. I giggled about excusing yourself in a meeting to text your wife. I really and truly believe my h thinks I should do this! But text him after calling and getting his voicemail when he's in a meeting and I should have known he was busy! I want to run my head into a wall sometimes.

Af1947,
He's starting to get that I don't "have" my phone at my desk. I do, but I never respond to his texts. He insists that I send read receipts, so I carefully do not even read his texts unless I'm on break or off work. He checks periodically to see if I've read them and if I have, the barrage begins anew. So no reading of texts during work hours.

So he will still text me, like he forgets, then immediately call my work number. The texts preview on my phone screen, so I know the first 2 or 3 sentences of his text and almost verbatim, he will say it to me. It's almost funny, really.

Yes. His big complaint is that I always put everyone else first before him, especially WORK and friends. But remember, he has sacrificed to give me the life that I want and this isn't the life that HE wants so to him jobs aren't important because "things" aren't important. (Don't ask me to explain this- 17years with this man and I don't have a clue what he's trying to say) what about the children? I think to myself... .

I felt like a hypocrite today bc I was getting upset and angry that he wasn't letting me call him, when the reason he wasn't letting me call him is because I told him he could no longer call me and that made him mad. Lol. So I was getting upset at the same thing I did to him -which is EXACTLY why he did it, he even admitted it later. It was a punishment, and he was "giving me a taste" of what it felt like.

I still don't know what word to use for what I was feeling but I have figured out that his vindictive actions trigger my own anger. it makes me swirl on the inside and I bubble over. It doesn't happen often anymore, used to be all the time, but I am in much better control of myself than I used to be. There are still days- just last week I helped escalate his rage, maybe on purpose, in still not sure- but for the most part I can detach O.K. When he hangs up on me during a phone conversation and then blocks me from calling or texting, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like he's holding me under water or shoving a pillow in my face. I can't express myself and it stifles me. I feel like a dog backed into a corner and that's when I attack. I'm not sure how to move past that trigger, but the fact that I see it now and i didn't know it was there this morning is only one in about a million reasons why I love this site.

Thank you.

[Radcliff]

I felt like a hypocrite today bc I was getting upset and angry that he wasn't letting me call him, when the reason he wasn't letting me call him is because I told him he could no longer call me and that made him mad. Lol. So I was getting upset at the same thing I did to him -which is EXACTLY why he did it, he even admitted it later. It was a punishment, and he was "giving me a taste" of what it felt like.

OK, so this is kind of funny.  I'm remembering your other post about him feeling that you were being passive aggressive.  By not answering you, he was acting passively aggressive because he felt you were being passively aggressive!  Pro tip:  He will probably not think this is funny, so we can keep it on the board   I used to get upset about the injustice of this stuff, but when I'm on my "A" game and can recognize it for the ridiculous thing that it is, I'm often able to shrug it off, which helps.

I still don't know what word to use for what I was feeling but I have figured out that his vindictive actions trigger my own anger. it makes me swirl on the inside and I bubble over. It doesn't happen often anymore, used to be all the time, but I am in much better control of myself than I used to be. There are still days- just last week I helped escalate his rage, maybe on purpose, in still not sure- but for the most part I can detach O.K.

Sounds like you are on a good track to improvement!  I also found that with effort I was able to control my anger response by depersonalizing, using mindfulness techniques of observation, feeling empathy, etc.  It helps keep situations under control, and helps me keep my commitment to myself to always take the high road and do my best for the marriage and the family.  One risk is that I may have gotten a little too good at containing justified anger and denying my needs/feelings (this is something a therapist pointed out), but on balance, I think managing my emotions has been a very helpful thing.

When he hangs up on me during a phone conversation and then blocks me from calling or texting, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like he's holding me under water or shoving a pillow in my face. I can't express myself and it stifles me. I feel like a dog backed into a corner and that's when I attack. I'm not sure how to move past that trigger, but the fact that I see it now and i didn't know it was there this morning is only one in about a million reasons why I love this site.

Oh, yes.  Especially in the past, and even now, I can have an instant physical reaction of combined anxiety and anger when she shuts me down like this.  And the hypocrisy of it all, when I can never shut her down, and have to listen to a cutting tirade into the wee hours without withdrawing.  I feel like I have no voice, and to be honest, feeling like I have no voice in the relationship is one of the heaviest unresolved issues for me now.  But you are absolutely right, recognizing the trigger and your reaction is the very first step.  You might be interested in the book, "The Power of Habit."  It is one of those easy-read, interesting books about how people work, with tons of examples like sports teams, etc.  Basically, a habit is formed with a trigger, a response and a reward.  The trick to changing a habit is to recognize the trigger, the unproductive response, and the reward, and try a changed response, hopefully resulting in better success getting the reward.  People can use habits to perform under incredibly stressful circumstances, like landing a plane on the Hudson River.  Hmm... .incredibly stressful circumstances.  When could that *possibly* be useful to any of us

[ozmatoz]

Sounds like we all have some very similar stories here... .and not to sound contrite but I almost laugh at some of these too because of the absolute amount of ridiculousness.  I almost started laughing at my wife during one of her tirades that was so made up that I was wondering if perhaps I was married to her in an alternate universe.  Lets just say that poured a bit too much fuel on the fire.  I'll keep the venting and shaking my head in disbelief to the boards with folks who understand.

Monucka I too get the blasting texts when "she is busy".  How dare I bother her while she's working or hanging out at the pool.  I got blasted yesterday because she was busy feeding the dogs and wondering what to feed the kids for dinner because I had failed to go grocery shopping (this is on her list of split duties) so there is no food in the house.  How could she possibly go grocery shopping after working the last four days.  Actually I worked the last four full days and she is part time and only worked two.  This is fact.  Yet somehow she believes she was working and couldn't go to the store so now its my fault.  I really cant make this stuff up!

AF1947 you mention dealing with the tirades into the wee hours in the morning... .do these people ever sleep?  So many nights of just circular arguments that never end.  I finally started sleeping in the guest bedroom and she would come in every hour or so, wake me up, yell at me, tell me how much of a loser I was then storm off. repeat... .repeat... .repeat... .

It does sound like we all are finding some way to deal with this even if it is in little steps at a time.  Also just sharing these stories only helps me know that its not me.  I'm not actually losing my mind. 

I hope you all have a good weekend, I think I'm heading into an upswing of a cycle (again).  Perhaps I'll take a day or two of peace at this point in the story.

-Oz

[mssalty]

I'm laughing at this because it's familiar with many people I know that exhibit BPD traits.   I wonder what happened before people had access to so much technology that made people instantly reachable and provided electronic receipts.   

[bananas2]

This seems to be a pretty common experience for many of us, and although incredibly frustrating, I'm glad most of us are able to see some of the humor in it. When dealing with a pwBPD, having a dark sense of humor certainly helps! Sometimes you have to laugh so you won't cry.

Having said that, I feel your frustration with this issue. My BPDh also does not respect my boundaries. When he's in a good frame of mind, he'll agree of course, but when triggered, the boundaries go out the window for him.
I regularly encounter this problem and have discussed it with my therapist, and we've come to a conclusion that it's a control/abandonment issue for him. Control in that he can call you whenever he wants, but then blocks you from calling him. Abandonment in that if he can talk to you, he doesn't feel "left out" of whatever you are doing without him.

It's pretty tricky. After years of this behavior, I still don't have a set solution to the problem, but have learned to take it day by day depending on the circumstance of that particular day. Once thing I have learned in order to avoid the emotional abuse/rage when he gets home at day's end is call him or ask him to call me on the way home. (Hands-free phone for safety of course!) This seems to work well for us bc it gives me a chance to interpret his current mood and try to help him de-escalate if necessary before he comes home - head it off at the pass, so to speak.
This seems to work for me most of the time. Curious to see what works for others.

[Radcliff]

bananas2, thanks for that suggestion.  I touch base before I come home, but sometimes inconsistently, so the reminder is good.  I definitely find that the more out of touch I am during the day the worse it is later.  In addition to checking in on the way home, a text or two in the middle of the day just saying "hello" but if I'm swamped perhaps in a subtle way indicating I can't have a conversation, can help.  "Hey, I'm headed to a long boring meeting with no phone, but wanted to say 'hi' before I'm stuck in the meeting.  I hope you're having a good day!"  :)oing that before a long stretch where I need to focus is good.  If I get surprised by a busy stretch at work, I will try to send a "hello" when I come up for some air.  While BPD makes this stuff seem more of a big deal, I think a little proactive communication seems like a good thing to do for any relationship.