Wife wants a divorce and is lying about our relationship but I still want to sta

[Depression = 72% of members]

Where to start…?

My wife has undiagnosed BPD that we’ve both been dealing with for quite some time now. Her psychiatrist (the only one she’ll see now) continues to tell her that all of her behaviors are just learned, but several other doctors and therapists have told her she has BPD. This is incredibly difficult for her to come to grips with, as both her mother and sister have BPD. Her mother was, and is still, untreated for it so my wife and her siblings often found themselves trapped in her mood swing, rages, impulsive behaviors, and threats of self-harm… usually to the tune of “maybe I’ll just drive this car off a bridge/into a tree.” She is so afraid to become her mother that she refuses to entertain the idea of having BPD, so sitting down with a therapist and talking about it is off of the table, but I have found some of the other communications to be helpful at times.

Her go-to when I can tell she’s feeling stressed is to start making up stories to her friends and families. She’s told people that she’s had a miscarriage (never), that she’s been sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people (never), that she’s been stalked (never), that she has HIV/had an HIV scare (never), that she’s in an open-relationship (not with me), that she has ex’s and FWB that aren’t real people (fake pictures and a spoofed # that goes to her phone so that she can show them “conversations” that she’s having with these non-existent people), that she has a sick child (she doesn’t have any child), among other things.

Most recently, she’s been telling her friends and co-workers that we are in the process of getting a divorce , that I’ve emptied her bank account/our joint account, that I have made her hand over her paychecks, and that I have forced her to have sex with me for gas money. These things have never happened, and with the exception of a possible divorce, they never EVER would.

I confront her on why she is telling people these horrible things about me, and why she feels the need to lie about having a girlfriend on the side (she doesn’t), that she’s hanging out place or doing things with people that aren’t true her only response is “I don’t know” occasionally followed by “I’ll stop.” She never stops though… just this weekend, after I called her out on telling a co-worker that I emptied her bank account and asked her why she would say that responded with the “I don’t know why. I’ll stop.” That very night she was back at it again with a different set of friends saying she was doing things with non-existent people in non-existent places.

2-3 weeks ago we were over the moon in love on both sides… she got a new job in October and I got one in February, we just moved out of her dad’s place and into our own spot closer to work in March, we both just got new cars in April and July, our sex life was fantastic, we hadn’t fought or argued in a long time… it seemed like we were finally coming into our own. For the past almost 2 weeks she’s been saying that she isn’t happy with me, has never been happy with me, never wanted to marry me to begin with and wants a divorce. But she said she doesn’t want to file until the end of September for some reason. She says I’m controlling her by not letting her do want she wants (she keeps saying she wants an open relationship and I tell her that it’s cheating and I don’t want any part of it) and telling her she can’t talk to her family (her family and I talk often, the only things I don’t want them to know are personal bits of our relationship, and things going on with my father’s health) and not letting her have friends or go out with them, but when I point out that I’ve never once been told that she didn’t want me to go with her, she responds with “Well you WOULD get mad so I just never said no.” When I tell her that she has gone out several times with her friends and I was neither mad, nor gave any indication that I had even the smallest problem with it. The only thing I asked her that night was if she would need a ride anywhere because I didn’t want someone driving drunk.

She has used divorce/breaking up as a threat throughout our relationship (together 5 years, married 2.5) so much so that it doesn’t even really phase me anymore. Perhaps that’s the problem because I tend to either brush off whatever she says when she starts at it, or I get frustrated that we are right back to that out of thin air simply because she’s feeling impulsive and it ends up starting an argument.

In the past, she has backed away from the talk of divorce after a few days, but this time she keeps bring it up. And as each of her friends and co-workers start to see through her stories and lies, they drop her as a friend and want nothing to do with her… this usually is enough to bring her back to reality, but now it just seems like she’s moving on to anyone that will pay her even the slightest bit of attention, will still parroting to me that she doesn’t want to work on our relationship and that she isn’t happy and doesn’t think we’re “worth it”. But at this point I fear that she’s close to a break down… she’s destroying friendships and work relationships, she could cost herself her job, my job (if someone reports me because she’s telling them I’m assaulting her), our home, everything we’ve worked for and I don’t know when she’s gaining from it other than attention for a short time until it all unravels. She’ll eventually run out of people to turn to or will realize too late that she’s set both of us up to fail and I can’t bear to sit back and just let it happen.

I want to be with her. I love her. And I think (hope) that she loves me too. But I can’t find the balance of making her happy and not letting her self-destruct. If I just let her have the divorce (there is no paperwork yet, or lawyers, just her talk at this point) and go like she says, then I’ll just be another person who abandoned her and let her fall and never loved her… but if I stay then I’m not honoring her wishes for divorce and I’m controlling her by not ending the relationship which only seems to drive these impulses.

[Ellarby86]

Where to start…?

My wife has undiagnosed BPD that we’ve both been dealing with for quite some time now. Her psychiatrist (the only one she’ll see now) continues to tell her that all of her behaviors are just learned, but several other doctors and therapists have told her she has BPD. This is incredibly difficult for her to come to grips with, as both her mother and sister have BPD. Her mother was, and is still, untreated for it so my wife and her siblings often found themselves trapped in her mood swing, rages, impulsive behaviors, and threats of self-harm… usually to the tune of “maybe I’ll just drive this car off a bridge/into a tree.” She is so afraid to become her mother that she refuses to entertain the idea of having BPD, so sitting down with a therapist and talking about it is off of the table, but I have found some of the other communications to be helpful at times.

Her go-to when I can tell she’s feeling stressed is to start making up stories to her friends and families. She’s told people that she’s had a miscarriage (never), that she’s been sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people (never), that she’s been stalked (never), that she has HIV/had an HIV scare (never), that she’s in an open-relationship (not with me), that she has ex’s and FWB that aren’t real people (fake pictures and a spoofed # that goes to her phone so that she can show them “conversations” that she’s having with these non-existent people), that she has a sick child (she doesn’t have any child), among other things.

Most recently, she’s been telling her friends and co-workers that we are in the process of getting a divorce , that I’ve emptied her bank account/our joint account, that I have made her hand over her paychecks, and that I have forced her to have sex with me for gas money. These things have never happened, and with the exception of a possible divorce, they never EVER would.

I confront her on why she is telling people these horrible things about me, and why she feels the need to lie about having a girlfriend on the side (she doesn’t), that she’s hanging out place or doing things with people that aren’t true her only response is “I don’t know” occasionally followed by “I’ll stop.” She never stops though… just this weekend, after I called her out on telling a co-worker that I emptied her bank account and asked her why she would say that responded with the “I don’t know why. I’ll stop.” That very night she was back at it again with a different set of friends saying she was doing things with non-existent people in non-existent places.

2-3 weeks ago we were over the moon in love on both sides… she got a new job in October and I got one in February, we just moved out of her dad’s place and into our own spot closer to work in March, we both just got new cars in April and July, our sex life was fantastic, we hadn’t fought or argued in a long time… it seemed like we were finally coming into our own. For the past almost 2 weeks she’s been saying that she isn’t happy with me, has never been happy with me, never wanted to marry me to begin with and wants a divorce. But she said she doesn’t want to file until the end of September for some reason. She says I’m controlling her by not letting her do want she wants (she keeps saying she wants an open relationship and I tell her that it’s cheating and I don’t want any part of it) and telling her she can’t talk to her family (her family and I talk often, the only things I don’t want them to know are personal bits of our relationship, and things going on with my father’s health) and not letting her have friends or go out with them, but when I point out that I’ve never once been told that she didn’t want me to go with her, she responds with “Well you WOULD get mad so I just never said no.” When I tell her that she has gone out several times with her friends and I was neither mad, nor gave any indication that I had even the smallest problem with it. The only thing I asked her that night was if she would need a ride anywhere because I didn’t want someone driving drunk.

She has used divorce/breaking up as a threat throughout our relationship (together 5 years, married 2.5) so much so that it doesn’t even really phase me anymore. Perhaps that’s the problem because I tend to either brush off whatever she says when she starts at it, or I get frustrated that we are right back to that out of thin air simply because she’s feeling impulsive and it ends up starting an argument.

In the past, she has backed away from the talk of divorce after a few days, but this time she keeps bring it up. And as each of her friends and co-workers start to see through her stories and lies, they drop her as a friend and want nothing to do with her… this usually is enough to bring her back to reality, but now it just seems like she’s moving on to anyone that will pay her even the slightest bit of attention, will still parroting to me that she doesn’t want to work on our relationship and that she isn’t happy and doesn’t think we’re “worth it”. But at this point I fear that she’s close to a break down… she’s destroying friendships and work relationships, she could cost herself her job, my job (if someone reports me because she’s telling them I’m assaulting her), our home, everything we’ve worked for and I don’t know when she’s gaining from it other than attention for a short time until it all unravels. She’ll eventually run out of people to turn to or will realize too late that she’s set both of us up to fail and I can’t bear to sit back and just let it happen.

I want to be with her. I love her. And I think (hope) that she loves me too. But I can’t find the balance of making her happy and not letting her self-destruct. If I just let her have the divorce (there is no paperwork yet, or lawyers, just her talk at this point) and go like she says, then I’ll just be another person who abandoned her and let her fall and never loved her… but if I stay then I’m not honoring her wishes for divorce and I’m controlling her by not ending the relationship which only seems to drive these impulses.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi, I hesitate to post because I am way out of my depth here. There is a lot of serious stuff going on. But I hated to see such a serious and intense post sitting here with no reply yet. I hope many more come! All I can say is that I am so sorry you are dealing with such scary stuff. It sounds extremely difficult. Yes, it seems she is trying to get some unhealthy attention and it does look like both of your lives can unravel over this. Perhaps it is good if you keep a daily journal tracking this as a bit of security and defense of yourself if needed? But this sounds like, from my armchair, that she needs serious psychiatric intervention. What do you think? Is that possible?

I am not sure about the divorce at this time either. I think you are right that it could put things over the edge. It sounds like she is testing the boundaries of all around her and pushing everyone away and destroying all around her. At least you are clear that you love her, that is a big plus. Forget about "making her happy", that is out of grasp for now I think. But what can you do to help keep her stable? Is she taking medication prescribed by this psychiatrist? Does that person know how out of balance she is at the moment? Can that person help? I see that in some ways the others who recognize and want to treat the BPD are the unfortunately out of the picture.   

Oh, I so hope you the two of you can be okay! This is so hard! Take good care.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pearlsw! 

Welcome to the Saving board. I'm really glad that you shared from your heart about what has been going on in your life. It seems as if there is a lot!

It may be that your wife has uBPD, but it may also be that she has picked up a lot of the things learned from her mom. It is hard to say, and we certainly cannot diagnose here. I know my mom was uBPD, and there were a lot of behaviors I learned from her as well, but I do not have BPD. Nonetheless, I don't wish to make light of the challenges your wife is facing. No matter what, she has been through an awful lot having grown up with an uBPDm. You have gone through a lot already with her too. 

Here is a link which you may find helpful as it sounds like some of this may be going on:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

When we are feeling insecure or unlovable, it is not uncommon that we project that feeling outward to others. What do you think?

Now to you. How are you feeling through all of this? It must be an emotional roller coaster for you, one day up, another down. Are you able to identify your feelings? It is important that you have good care and strengthen yourself through healthy relationships (therapy? good friends? exercise?). What do you enjoy doing to relax?

Please let me know how things are going!

Caring for you... .
Wools