I keep messing up

[5xFive]

MY uBPDh had been dysregulating since yesterday. I knew it was coming, I expected it. You would think I would be able to handle myself in a loving and supportive manner.
Nope. He asks me for support, and he barrages me with verbal abuse. Then ___es that I don't support him and then abuses me some more. For about the last 28-30 hours. So I lost it. I pushed his buttons, called him names, made EVERYTHING worse. Invalidated, jaded. You name it.
And now I feel horrible. I made his rage escalate and I am feeling out of control. Can I just really quickly jade to you all?- he was saying some of the worst stuff he's said. How he wishes I would die painfully, and I should kill myself. And you know what? It scared me that I wanted to! That I agreed with him. And I felt backed into a corner and I attacked. Like a raving lunatic I attacked. And now I can't take it back. It's out there, I lost my cool. I'm everything he says I am. 
I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm ready to change boards to conflicting but I'm not conflicted. I know what I want. I want to do the work and be better and be supportive and maybe have one of those success stories. But I failed. I'm a failure and I hate myself as much as he hates me... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry this happened.  We are in very stressful relationships and sometimes, we lose it too. They get into our heads. Things get heated and emotional. When someone is yelling, it's easy to become confused and to lash out.  Don't beat yourself up. Just start over again.

Take a time out for you to process.
Where do you think the situation go wrong?
What could you have done at that point to prevent yourself from getting out of control?
And even more important, what is the real truth about you, not the one he wants you to believe?

Apologize for the things you said that were wrong or untrue. Apologize for acting like him. You've learned the skills and you've been working on things. You've got this. One battle lost does not mean you lost the war. What about all the time you succeeded? Can you tell me about one of those times?

Do you really hate yourself? I see you on this board, trying to figure things out, not because you want to fix your H, but because you love yourself and you want your life to be better. You see that you are worth fighting for something more. You've got this and it's going to be ok.

[5xFive]

Tattered Heart,
Thank you.
I don't know where it went wrong! Maybe when I tried to set a boundary? Yesterday I told him 2 hours, after 1 he called me at work. Today I told him I will not respond to him when he is calling me names, and it got worse-extinction burst? If that's what it was, I can't continue to survive those.
In the middle of that, my boss and I interviewed someone for a new position, and in typical unthinking fashion, he humiliated me. He didn't intend it and we talked and he apologized. But he told this applicant that I have so much on my plate, and he keeps adding more so he needs someone to come in and take over. We're not interviewing for my job! We're interviewing for a completely different position. He admitted that what he said sounded exactly how it sounded and he felt horrible. He was just so excited about the applicant. Ugh.
Then my h was blowing up my phone the whole time, telling me that I'm not ever there for him, I always put my work before him etc. but that's not true and so the jadeing began.

I have before done well with keeping silent, but when I try set, I fail everytime. I think I need dbt. Everything I say sounds so passive aggressive even when I think it through 4 or 5 times before saying it. He tells me I am a very negative person and I honestly don't know what's true anymore.

I don't hate myself but I DO hate my behavior.

After I posted, I tried to set a boundary that I will not respond to him while he is attacking me (I was at work). I did like you suggested and I didn't read my texts, or anything. Again he called my work number and this time he told me that bc I didn't respond, he ate a bottle of pills and when I read my texts I'll see the video he sent me. Sure enough, he made a suicide video with his name, the date and his age, and he blamed me for ruining his life. I freaked out, panicked, packed up my stuff and ran out of work, telling my boss on the way what I'd received.
I called my h and he refused to tell me where he was. He calmed down when he heard that I left and then he said he lied about the pills and I should go back to work, he won't hurt himself. But I'm ashamed and embarrassed so I'm not going back until Monday. I am so exhausted.

He just sent me a message apologizing for his behavior and again blaming me for everything he has said and done. I asked him if we could talk in person instead of by text and he said he's still too angry to talk.

I don't know what to do Tattered. I am raw and exhausted from the last two days. I can't imagine the men and women on this board who deal with weeks of this. I don't think I could survive that. I'm not sure I can survive another cycle like this. Do you have a suggestion? Is there something I can do to make this easier? Is dbt something that might work for me? I can't convince him to get help. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him, he thinks it's all me... .

[allienoah]

Monucka---    

Please don't beat yourself up for losing control. It happens! We can't expect ourselves to be perfect in our dealings with our loved ones wBPD. You had a very stressful day, and what he did was exponentially add to it. He blew it into the stratosphere. I'm glad you took today to re-group.
This is very difficult and we walk a tightrope trying not to set them off. Maybe you can get some time away from him? I feel like he needs to be made aware that what he did-the video,pills, etc- is NOT ok. And it now puts you in a dicey position at work. If I may say so, it sounds like your boss has an idea of the stress you are dealing with at home. Perhaps he knows it's your h that is causing this? I would be uncomfortable with that. My bf did try to bombard me at work once or twice, but honestly I had to come down hard with the boundary that he was to NEVER do that again. If I lost my job, it would put us at the point of no return, hands down. It worked telling him that. And if he rages on, I don't take it personally anymore. I am not a monster, and neither are you. You are a hard-working, dedicated, smart person who doesn't have to listen to such abuse. Give yourself permission to be angry, hurt, tired. You are dealing with a mentally ill person.

[takingandsending]

Monucka,

What is happening to you is just very unfair. And like Tattered Heart says, anyone - anyone - in your position would lose it, blow up, say things you wish you hadn't. You are under a huge amount of stress, and I am really sorry for that. I get those times where it literally feels like your life is crashing down around your ears. But don't give up on yourself or your children. If that means trying to work things out with your h, then I know you will try.

What you can do right now, for yourself, is to ask yourself in the very midst of your self judgment and feeling like a failure, how would you talk or treat someone who was in your position right now? Would you blame them for failing or give them a hug, a shoulder to cry on, reassurance that they have been superhuman in trying to act like a decent, considerate person? Think about how you would talk to a friend or sibling going through what you just went through. And treat yourself that way. Because, maybe like me, you think you are not a deserving human like all the others you try to be kind to, but you are. Visualize holding your tender, hurting self with love ... .no judgments. When the judgments try to creep in, think again how you would want to be for someone else and extend that to yourself.

When you feel ready, we can talk again about boundaries, because, for better or worse, your h is going to push and test and you need some strategies for how to feel certainty in your boundaries, to learn to trust them and how to protect them. A really compassionate member of this community told me that boundaries are not a form of cruelty, they are an act of kindness.

Hope you can bring some breath in and find some kindness for yourself today. 

[5xFive]

Thank you both.

I've done as you have both suggested. Given myself a break and tried again. It got worse before it got better yesterday but after a lot of talk last night, h stated that his biggest issue he has is that I am very invalidating to him. It's funny. He uses all the words from the tools and skills, validation, jade, empathy. These are the things he is asking for that I am trying to learn. We talked about that and boundaries (and name calling) and he was in a much better mood at bed and still this morning. His cycles are usually short, 3 days or so but this one was only 2. I feel like there was some success from both of us.

Again, I thank you. I will keep working!

[takingandsending]

Hi Monucka.

I am so glad that the cycle ended and that you were able to talk it out. 
Look, pwBPD feel invalidation everywhere. It's not going to happen that you are so perfect in your communication and approach that you never invalidate or JADE and always have 100% empathy. Not realistic. Honestly, from when you started this journey, have you learned a lot about validation, what to validate, what not to validate, how to communicate? I am willing to bet you are a far cry from where you started. All this to say, go easy on yourself.

I mostly wanted to revisit what efforts you made during the height of the dysregulation to protect your boundaries. I used to say things to my xw like "I will talk with you about this when you are more calm" or "when you can speak without calling names". Those efforts escalated the conflict. A lot of our conflicts centered around parenting my oldest son, where my wife came to me for validation of her upsets v. soothing his upsets. These were no win situations and triangulation, which are common dynamics w/BPD.

In time, I had to learn how to identify what was important to me that was getting violated, left me feeling sick to my stomach and wrung out after these episodes. The name calling, the lack of basic civility in speech made any attempt at communication impossible for me. So that became my first boundary. I had to learn what happened in my thoughts and in my body when that boundary began to come under attack. For me, I felt my heart race, my hands and body warm up and my stomach clench. If I stayed in the hostility, I would eventually notice my ears warming, jaw clenching, fists bunching and muscles all tensing. Does this sound like any constructive communication would be possible, or does it sound like someone preparing for a physical altercation?

Thing is, I had to learn to take these signs seriously, and interject my boundary at the earliest signs that I was reacting. I made my boundary around civil speech about me. "I can see that you are upset, and what you are feeling is important to me. But I am getting upset, too, and I need time to cool down. I am going, but I will be back in 30 minutes to talk to you about this." Then, no matter how inconvenient or impossible it seems, you leave for 30 minutes, give to yourself in that time, let your lymbic system heal, and return in 30 minutes (don't come back an hour or two later - I definitely made that mistake). And ask if your husband wants to discuss the upset. If he is still dysregulating and engages in name calling, you repeat the process. I used to take both of my boys with me on walks or bike rides or to the park for 30 minutes. Then come home. Then leave again.

Did it suck? Yeah. Did it bring down the escalations so that I and the kids weren't getting beaten down with rage? Yes, it did. I'd like to say it made things good enough that we worked out a way to go forward together, but my wife was not in active treatment, and I am not certain how possible it is to heal these rifts without some reflection of both partners on the activity of their speech and actions. As it was, she rarely wanted to talk about whatever the apparent issue was when I would return from the boundary time out.

I know that you will keep working on the skills, and that you are doing everything possible that you can to keep your family together. Try, whenever possible, to check in with your own feelings, accept them for whatever they are and give some loving kindness to yourself.

[WitzEndWife]

First of all, *hug* - I know how it feels to feel out of control. But, really, we're reacting to protect ourselves. We're frustrated, angry, and we're reacting in our instinctive way to try to protect our very core. JADE-ing is what you would do with someone who is non-BPD who was saying nasty things to you. Of COURSE you would. So, it's not about messing up. You did what was natural and normal to do. But now is a great time to evaluate and see what triggered you and what maybe you could try differently next time.

For me, when I start to feel the blood rising, and when I hear myself starting to JADE, sometimes I can flip it around, take a breath, and ask H a question about why he feels a certain way, or why he's accusing me of being or doing something. That moment of reflection can sometimes de-escalate things. Other times, when H is ranting at me, I will leave the room, go somewhere else, and lock the door quietly. Not in anger, but just to go protect myself from the rage until he calms down. Sometimes it's valuable to leave the house.

I remember one time H was dysregulating over bad service at a restaurant, and suddenly turned on me in the car on the way home. He started driving crazily, and I screamed for him to pull over and let me out. He did, I got out, and he sped off. I went and waited patiently on a bench near the local supermarket, and he eventually started frantically calling me to find out where I was. While he worked out his anger, I was far away from it. Sometimes I go walk the dog.

Don't ever feel like you have to stick around and listen to the ranting. But my advice is, if you leave, do it with love. "I love you, but this conversation is too heated right now. I'll be back later when we can talk through this calmly" might be a good thing to say. Or even, "I love you, but I need a minute to calm down so I can talk about this. I'll be back later."

Honestly, creating space for myself has been the best thing I can do during these times. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does, and allows me to calm down myself. I'm much less stressed now because of it. Remember to take care of yourself!

[forlorn]

Hi, Monucka!  This makes me cry.  I lost it this weekend, too.  Tried so hard not to, and failed miserably.  Oddly, my explosion actually made him calmer, happier, more compassionate.  But by then I was so angry with myself for not being able to hold it together that I couldn't clearly see what was happening. I tried to leave before it happened. I knew it was coming, just like you did.  I was able to diffuse enough to go to bed on Friday night, but woke up on the battlefield. When I woke to the insults, I made ready to go. The lines I'd practiced about leaving because the conversation was becoming too heated for my comfort level were delivered perfectly. But he didn't stop.  Followed me to the car and promised it would be okay, and I stupidly believed that we could go for coffee and table the discussion for later.  A half mile down the road it was game on, and after an hour of screaming in the car, I fell apart.  Called him names, screamed I don't even know what anymore.  And immediately felt horrible and like I let myself down.

Trying not to JADE is so hard.  When someone is assassinating your character, accusing you of terrible things and belittling everything about you, I just feel like I want to explain.  Obviously he's mistaken, so if I can just clarify he'll understand that it was all a horrible mistake and everything will be okay.  But that isn't going to happen.  My explanations are just another thing to argue about or insult me over.  I feel so overwhelmed today.  He's better.  But I'm a mess.  While I am so grateful to have a place to go where people understand, I absolutely hate it that you are experiencing things like this, too.

[takingandsending]

Don't ever feel like you have to stick around and listen to the ranting. But my advice is, if you leave, do it with love. "I love you, but this conversation is too heated right now. I'll be back later when we can talk through this calmly" might be a good thing to say. Or even, "I love you, but I need a minute to calm down so I can talk about this. I'll be back later."

Honestly, creating space for myself has been the best thing I can do during these times. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does, and allows me to calm down myself. I'm much less stressed now because of it. Remember to take care of yourself!

That's the idea! You can add to this very good statement an attempt at empathy/validation of what your husband is upset about (IF you think you have a good read on it, otherwise skip it), and definitely do add a timeline that you will be back (unless they are the one driving off and leaving you!). Adding that timeline will defray making the abandonment fear worse. Especially as you do return when you say will and husband can see that you mean it when you say it. I used to say I'll be back, but then leave for an hour or two to take my mind off my anger and let things wind down. I'd come back to an even worse situation than I left. When I started giving a shorter time, and returning at that time, life got better.

[5xFive]

Thank you all for your posts and advice. Last Friday was HORRIBLE. Probably one of the worst periods of dysregulation that I can remember. After talking, Saturday was better. He was very supportive, helped me make a grocery list (which he very rarely helps with), and helped me around the house and with the kids. Then, as if he did too much, or extended himself too far, he slammed into dysregulation again on Sunday - he hates his life, Florida, his job, especially me. I did what I could to set boundaries, and I went to the grocery store by myself. He sat on the couch and played his video game while I unloaded the groceries, made dinner, got the kids to bed, and finished getting ready for the week. My preference is to do the shopping on Friday nights - so we start the weekend with food and we DONT need to shop  on our days off (I hate shopping with a passion) but he promised he would go with me if I waited until Sunday. So I did. And I had to shop with every other person who shops on Sunday afternoon. My anxiety was through the roof. Not only did I have to be around all those people (I have intense crowd anxiety) but I was all alone with those people and two kids. Also, I really wanted to relax Sunday afternoon! But I kept it together and did not make things worse.
Tuesday, he sent me flowers at work: "Just because its Tuesday" they said. Then today (Thursday) he woke up and couldnt find his keys. Again, he hates his life, Florida and especially me. But now Im so much worse, bc he works to give me the life I wants, and he goes out of his way to make me feel better, and he even sends me flowers at work, but what do I do to try to help him be happy?
Its like a slap in the face! Hes rubbing my nose in the fact that he bought me flowers. If that is how it is, I don't want them!
So I have kept my phone in the back today. I told him I did not have it at my desk and he could call the office phone if he needs me. He sent me 52 text messages. But did not call my work number once. When I finally called him on my break, he didn't want to talk to me. He says he needed me before but he doesn't need me anymore. He has made his decision and he is calm. Please make sure I tell the kids he loves them. How do you respond to this? It feels SO manipulative! Have you experienced these mini-threats? Is there a smart response that does not make it worse? He often says this, and also that he will find or has found someone else to talk to so he doesn't need me anymore. All this does is make me laugh and feel relieved, although I would be devastated if he cheated. But talking to someone else? They can have it! I need a break from it! I do worry about the idea that he is going to kill himself though. Thoughts?

[Jessica84]

Monucka, you are not alone. We all "mess up" at times. I keep messing up too. We haven't had a fight for almost a year, but all that can be erased in a moment. Using the tools require us to be in a calm, stable mood consistently, all the time - as if we have no stress, no triggers, no human reactions, no opinions or conflicting thoughts in our heads. It is impossible!

'Leaving with love' is also hard to do when things get heated. I am not so good at "I love you but we're both upset right now so let's talk when things calm down". I have done this before, but there are times when I simply can't - when I've already lost control. Our last fight ended with me slamming the door behind me. Then a back and forth text exchange where he wanted to end the r/s. No matter how good things have been, how cool I have been prior, how much I support and validate him in general, or how many years we've been together, when I "mess up" even ONCE, he can only see me as THAT PERSON, the wrong person. And that viewpoint lingers, eventually disappearing, until the next time. Things are ok now, but he's making it awkward, keeping his distance, and treating me as if I'm someone to study carefully, looking for flaws in me to decide whether we should be together. It feels like this constant threat. Don't EVER get upset or make a mistake of any kind or we're done. Very frustrating.

[5xFive]

Thank you Jessica84. I'm here again. In the black with the suicide threats. I read on another site not to argue when they threaten suicide but h does it a few times a week and it's so frustrating! But then I'm to blame for not handling his emotions well, or not rubbing him when he needs comfort. I do argue when he says he wants to kill himself. We have two small children. It seems so selfish to me! I don't know how to validate these feelings and I'm a bad wife for it. I can't imagine almost a year without a fight. Good for you! I can only imagine you work the tools and skills excellently. I hope I can continue to learn and grow to have such a success story.

[Jessica84]

Here is a thread that may help:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Suicidal threats have to be taken seriously. I'm sorry you are going thru this. I know how frustrating it is to you, to your kids, how selfish it seems, how scary, manipulative... .but try not to think along those lines. See it as a cry for help. Take care of yourself too - you have to put the oxygen mask on YOU first so you can be in the best position to help him.

I dealt with suicidal ideation/threats a few years ago. Dysregulation was off the charts! It was pretty scary even though it sometimes felt manipulative. But he went to a really dark place, lashing out at me, or internally fighting himself. Confided his feelings regularly. I listened, validated... but ultimately, I had to tell him "I love you and I'm sorry you are suffering. I am here for you, but I am not trained or qualified to help you with this." I urged him to seek help thru a crisis hotline. It felt like a kiss-off but I had to be realistic. I'm not a therapist.

At first, he took it to mean just that - that I didn't care about him and didn't want to hear it - so he vowed not to bring it up again. And like yours, he also threatened to find someone else who "cared". I didn't want him to shut down and fall further down that dark hole. He needed to talk about it. I turned up the validation, and he continued to open up and share his feelings.

I asked a lot of questions. This can be validating as it shows interest. He sometimes got frustrated but I could calm him with "I'm sorry. I admit I don't know how you feel exactly. I'm concerned. You don't have to talk but if you want to, I'm here. I'm listening." One thing about pwBPD is they all seem to love talking about themselves! So I used that. The frequency of calls escalated - panicky or depressed and needed a "pick me up". Dozens of calls. Countless texts. He was becoming overly dependent on me, while lashing out at the same time!

He is so stubborn - refused treatment, refused to call a hotline, refused to tell his family... .So I stopped telling him outright to get help. It wasn't working. I asked him questions to help lead him to his own solutions. He eventually called his doc, changed his meds, and his moods began to improve. Hard as he tried during that time to push me away, replace me, provoke me, lose his temper, say mean things, I supported and encouraged him throughout while he climbed out of that hole. Not fun at all, but we survived it. You can too!